love_tola
Nov 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Reynosa is now enclosed in a crooked government system' - Issue of Importance [5]
The first three paragraphs are very descriptive and take you through the lifestyle of Reynosa. I really like them.
But I do feel like something is missing in the last paragraph.
"We must... realize our metropolitan area will never be what it once was"
This sounds way too cynical. Lighten it up a bit. Instead, say something like how through long assiduous work, the hope of reforming the metropolitan area might be foreseen. It takes away the disparage tone in your sentence.
"But whatever our future holds, I am confident McAllen will not hold the same fate as Reynosa"
What makes you confident about that? Add a sentence or two describing why you have more faith in McAllen than you do in Reynosa.
"...thrives through drug dealing, kidnapping, and violence; a city fully consumed in self-obliteration, unending."
The semi-colon is incorrectly used here. Either make the clause that comes after the semi-colon a full thought/sentence, or change the semi-colon to a dash.
Also... the use of the word "our". That coincides with the word "you" because it includes the reader. I try not to use it but that's just a suggestion.
That sums up my concerns... it is a really good essay!
The first three paragraphs are very descriptive and take you through the lifestyle of Reynosa. I really like them.
But I do feel like something is missing in the last paragraph.
"We must... realize our metropolitan area will never be what it once was"
This sounds way too cynical. Lighten it up a bit. Instead, say something like how through long assiduous work, the hope of reforming the metropolitan area might be foreseen. It takes away the disparage tone in your sentence.
"But whatever our future holds, I am confident McAllen will not hold the same fate as Reynosa"
What makes you confident about that? Add a sentence or two describing why you have more faith in McAllen than you do in Reynosa.
"...thrives through drug dealing, kidnapping, and violence; a city fully consumed in self-obliteration, unending."
The semi-colon is incorrectly used here. Either make the clause that comes after the semi-colon a full thought/sentence, or change the semi-colon to a dash.
Also... the use of the word "our". That coincides with the word "you" because it includes the reader. I try not to use it but that's just a suggestion.
That sums up my concerns... it is a really good essay!