Posts by idyllistic

idyllistic

Nov 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'MEDICAL BRIGADES' - UC Transfer App - Intended Major [3]

It is abundantly clear that you answered each of the components of the transfer prompt. However, excuse my ignorance, I get the impression that you want health science as your intended major; is it a major? :P ~ At any rate, I absolutely love it. It flows very well, with a minor punctuation errors: "My motivation to pursue an education in this field is derived from a few personal experiences, as well as the realization that, as an individual, I have the potential to create a positive difference in an individual's life." This may seem like a run-on sentence without the comma. In fact, your response is full of long sentences. You may want to have some variation, but it's only a mere observation, nothing critical. :]

Concisely, this is what I understand:
Intended Major ~ health science
Development ~ through your mother and her charitable heart
Involvement ~ Medical Brigade and their mission statement
Your gain ~ friendships with people that shares the same interest

If this is what you're trying to get across, congratulations! Well done!

Good luck with your application!!! I'm currently writing mine as well ~ so late, so stressed D:

idyllistic

Nov 25, 2011

Undergraduate / "The abortion: My decisions and adulthood, " -UC Prompt#2 [5]

Thanks everybody for their input!
I know it's quite risky with the topic I posed here. Honestly, this is what I'm still going through as of now, so it's very difficult to sift out the details and find the core of it all. There's so many avenues I want to take with my story, but of course it has to be concise and full of information about me. Hopefully, I will post up my revised response soon.

idyllistic

Nov 22, 2011

Undergraduate / "The abortion: My decisions and adulthood, " -UC Prompt#2 [5]

Hi, I want as much feedback as possible. Please, be critical and brutal. Tell me if it's structured weird, tense errors, misleading, unclear, leaving you with questions, etc. Fyi, this is incomplete in terms of the last paragraph, addressing how it reflects who I am.

Overall, I really want your impression of me, judging from this essay alone. Thank You!

Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Essay:
From an early age, my parents instilled in me that my choices dictate who I will become. They said that I am an adult when I take responsibility; otherwise I am still a child, regardless of my age. One of the most important decisions I made happened in January 2010. I left the shelter of my parents' care to support my girlfriend. We had an abortion. Never before had I faced such challenges and changes all at once. I soon realized that I was not only dealing with our heartbreak but with the obstacles of living on my own means. Even though I did not have much money or all the necessary skills to be independent, I had a responsibility to the person I love and to myself. Hundreds of miles away and without the support of my family, these responsibilities guided me into adulthood. I was a boy embarking into the world where my parents naturally advised me to postpone, but I had a deep conviction that moving away was the right decision.

Independent living entailed cooking home meals, doing chores, and using public transit to commute between work and school. But faced with financial independence and minimum wage, maintaining a budget was the actual challenge. In order to get through the day, I ate a dollar bag of chips for lunch because this was what I could afford between rent and therapy. Unhealthy as it was, however, I poured most of my energy into recovering from the abortion. I was in a constant search for psychologists or therapists, who would counsel us for nearly nothing. Although I am proud that I was able to juggle both my life and relationship, I am particularly proud that I did not quit. This was most evident after my relationship ended, and consequently, my grades declined, along with my health. I thought everything I done went in vain, but losing what I had invested in for so long brought perspective. I am grateful to have journeyed so far for the person I love so dearly. Losing her did not mean losing my experience of independence or giving up on my responsibilities to myself. I continued to receive professional help and took a semester off to regain my health. This makes me proud of being a committed person, which, in this case, also makes me a proud self-reliant individual.

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