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Posts by snoopylee
Joined: Nov 25, 2011
Last Post: Nov 28, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 4  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 5
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snoopylee   
Nov 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Acceptance" UC Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from [5]

Thanks Semler4! I took it out because my friend said the same thing :)

I edited some more. Any suggestions?

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

At the age of five, I moved from Taiwan to America with my mother, father, and two younger sisters. Growing up in America, I found myself losing my Chinese roots. I was tired of going to Chinese school and grew uninterested in my culture.

As a child, my mother often took me to her friend's house and I would play with her daughter. She is three years older and like a sister to me. When I was around eleven years old, my mom's friend became pregnant with her second child and everyone was delighted. However, once the baby was born, they realized that he could not dispose of his waste at all. As a newborn baby, he had to get surgery and his waste would go into a plastic bag from his stomach. Fortunately, he was able to dispose his waste regularly after a year. I treated him like a younger brother; I helped feed him and even witnessed his first stumbling steps. However, he was diagnosed with Kawasaki disease when he was around four years old. Despite his disease, he was still a normal boy. He loves singing to Wang Lee Hom's new songs and playing with his "Thomas and Friends" trains. Looking at pictures of him laughing with his parents in the hospital, I wondered, "How can this child smile and laugh when such a thing has happened to him?" After his recovery, I continued to go to his house and played with him and his trains. He would always remind me when I go the names of his trains mixed up. Nothing about him changed; he was still the brave, bright, and intelligent kid that I watched grow up.

Through this little boy, I learned to accept reality. He knew what happened to him does not happen to everybody, but he accepted it. Despite all the pain he went through, he came out with a beautiful smile, as if what he went through was only a small matter. Compared to his troubles, my childhood struggles were minuscule. My reality is that being Chinese is part of who I am. I should embrace that part of me and learn more about my culture. After some karaoke sessions at their house, I became a fan of Wang Lee Hom and of other Chinese artists. When I genuinely tried to learn Chinese, I found myself actually interested in Chinese festivities and traditions. In addition, I gained a new interest in the medical field. When I heard of the boy's disease, I was curious because I have never heard of it before. I looked it up on the Internet and learned that Kawasaki disease is extremely rare and is usually found in children. Reading and learning about its symptoms, I felt even more sympathy for the boy because he went through a lot of pain. After watching the boy struggle so much at a young age, my dream is to bring comfort to people, either as a doctor or a nurse.
snoopylee   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "Acceptance" UC Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from [5]

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As the bell rings to signal the start of class, the students quiet down and the teacher steps forward. It is the first day of high school and the teacher begins to take attendance. As the teacher calls out names of my classman, I brace myself and wait for my turn. Then, my teacher calls out, "Yung", and I grimace. Although I have lived in California practically my whole life, I still am not use to my English teachers saying my Chinese name. For one, my name should be spelled "Yong" for the reader to pronounce it correctly, and they always forget the "Fen" that is part of my first name.

At the tender age of five, I moved to America with my mother, father, and two younger sisters. For most of my childhood youth, I have always asked myself, "Why am I Chinese? Why do I have to endure two hours of Chinese school each week when my friends don't?"

As a child, my mother took me to her friend's house practically every week. When my mom's friend was pregnant, everyone was delighted. However, once the baby was born, they realized that the baby could not dispose of his waste at all. As a newborn baby, he had to get surgery and his waste would go into a plastic bag from his stomach. Fortunately, he was able to dispose his waste regularly when he grew up. Like any other boy, he loves trains and idolizes Thomas from "Thomas and Friends". However, he was diagnosed with Kawasaki disease when he was around four years old. Kawasaki disease, also known as lymph node syndrome, is very rare and often affects children under the age of five. Looking at pictures of him laughing with his parents in the hospital, I wondered, "How can this child smile and laugh when such a thing has happened to him?" After his recovery, I continued to go to his house and played with him and his trains. Nothing about him changed; he was still the bright and intelligent kid that I watched grow up.

Through this little boy, I learned to accept reality. Despite all the pain he went through, he came out with a beautiful smile, as if what he went through was only a small matter. Compared to his troubles, my childhood struggles were minuscule. I now accept my culture and though my acceptance, I tried harder to learn Chinese and Chinese culture. In addition, I gained new interest in the medical field. After watching the boy struggle so much at a young age, my dream is to bring comfort to people, either as a doctor or a nurse.

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Thanks for reading! Please help, as my grammar and structure are my weak points. Any suggestions are welcome! :D
snoopylee   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to receive a higher education and Environmental Engineering' the world you come from [5]

"As an immigrant and single-mother, she has had to work with great diligence to raise and provide for her and me. "
This sentence was a bit iffy for me. Maybe it would be better to word it like : "As an immigrant and single-mother, she had to work with great diligence to raise and provide for the both of us. " Just a suggestion, though :)

"However, apart from these struggles, we have been tremendously blessed, as there has never been a day that we haven't had food on the table or clothing to wear." maybe can be worded like "Despite our struggles, I believe that we are tremendously blessed. There has never been a day when we did not have food on the table or clothing to wear."

These are only suggestions! You should listen to people's suggestions, but only change you essay if you like them. You don't have to listen to me if you don't like them :)
snoopylee   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "My experience and quality of helping others." - UC prompt 2 [3]

A lot of your sentences start with "I". Perhaps a few more transition words will help make your essay flow better.

I don't think you have to put a title when you submit your personal statements :D
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