Undergraduate / 'Working relentless hours a day in Guatemala' + 'Catholic upbringing' UCs [3]

Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.

Working relentless hours a day, in the coffee fields of Guatemala, is not an activity that most twelve year olds hope to partake in during their vacation. I wasn't exactly sure what I was getting myself into when this idea came to me; all I knew was that I wanted to explore my mother's home country and experience what she and my other family members had to endure in their country.

Each day, for two months, I would ride in the back of my uncle's red Toyota pick up truck, accompanied by some of my other relatives, and we would head north to the coffee fields. WeI would spend all day walking around steep hills meticulously picking coffee beans off the trees. At the end of the week we I would get paid according to however many sacks we wereI was able to fill up with coffee. With my two month salary I was able to gather enough money to have my uncle drive me around surrounding cities. I was able to explore different lands, their atmosphere and the living conditions of Guatemalan natives. I had the chance to visit well known cities such as Antigua, Guatemala City, and Tikal, as well as other lesser known towns, such as Esquipulas and Nueva Santa Rosa-where my mother is from. Even though I was too young to know it then, this is where I first encountered my ever growing connection to geography. (I think adding a little more about how this experience connects to a career in humanitarian aid, such as witnessing poverty, etc. Where you leave off with this paragraph doesn't clearly communicate how it connects to your career choice. You need to connect how geography and being involved in humanitarian aid connect, especially with this example, and again in the next paragraph, because I don't think it's clear.)

I have known since an early age that I want a career in humanitarian aid and relief, going into college though; I wasn't exactly sure what major was right for me, since humanitarian work encompasses such a broad field, so I decided to join clubs in subjects/areas that grabbed my interest. Science Club was the club that stood out to me the most, as the members of this club were the most curious and adventurous. Going to a camping trip with the club is where I first learned about Geography-this subject wasn't taught at any of my local schools. At first my interest was minimal because the subject was so foreign to me, but as I kept taking classes my interest began to escalate and I realized that this major was the best suited for me, as it is one of the few majors that gives a holistic view of world issues such as: population growth, under distribution of resources, health care, issues dealing with gender inequalities, and the environment-all issues that would be helpful for a humanitarian to know about.

Becoming an effective leader for my beliefs took me time. My involvement, as an executive member, in my school's student government has made me a more outspoken and politically driven person. Being an advocate for academics and student affairs has aided me in becoming more aware of problems students face not only as pupils but as individuals. Having experienced the troubles Guatemalan natives go through and the issues students' deal with, I have decided to double major in Geography and Peace and Conflict Studies. I believe both of these majors share some similarities as they both encompass political and ecological problems that we as humanity face. With Peace and Conflict studies I would concentrate on the political and economic side of human rights.

Overall: Wonderful essay! Your passion for your career goal communicates well and gives me a very good picture of the kind of person you are (the kind of person I would like to know more about/maybe accept into my school, if I were an admissions officer! (: )

Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have never took taken into account what a privileged individual I am because of the personal qualities I posses. For most of my early life, I was picked on for being different and weird, or so I was told. Because of this I had a hard time accepting myself for my sexual orientation and personality, part of it duepartly owing to my strict Catholic upbringing. When I reached my teen years I decided that I would try to seek normality, so I tried by imitating "normal" people and began through using drugs to numb my emotions-up to the point where I had to be taken to the hospital for a drug overdose at the age of sixteen.

While some people take a victim mentality when challenges arise, I look at challenges as a blessing of opportunities and possibilities to make myself stronger, my drug overdose was the greatest turning point of my life. To most people a tragic event is like a taboo that should never be spoken of, but I believe these moments are the ones that bring about a person's character. These events helped me realized my most prominent personal qualities, which I hold with high regard: motivation and perseverance.

Growing up, I didn't really have a figure head (I know what you're trying to say here, but i think figure head might be the wrong word choice, I think it might have a negative connotation, but I can't be sure.) that motivated me to master an instrument, play a sport, or study hard to be more than an average student. My parents, like most others, spent most of their days working arduous shifts, they didn't have enough time or energy to talk to my sister' s and I about the importance of education, that's not to say they weren't responsible hardworking people. It was through watching documentaries that I augmented my motivation. Not being able to travel the world wouldn't stop me from learning about other people's cultures or their life stories. I would make time to watch a documentary at least once a month. I wanted to learn about all the current issues I read on the newspaper and other issues I had yet to learn about, I would search for documentaries on immigration, women's rights in the Middle East, and corporations amongst others. Lying on the hospital bed, as silly as it might sound, I felt a burning sensation inside of me because I knew that I would be failing not only my family and myself, but all those people in the documentaries with who's stories I had developed a connection with. This is when I decided that even though I might be both different and an average student that wouldn't stop me from continuing my education and trying to help these people I had come to know about. I would try to seek and grab any educational opportunity that came way, no matter how minute it might be. Years have passed since I faced my toughest challenge and I can gladly say that my motivation and perseverance have only strengthened me and helped me become a more compassionate person.

Overall: Fantastic essay that gave me insight into your life. Your personal motivation is inspiring to read about and is very touching. With both your statements combined, I think you present yourself as a great asset to the UCs you're applying to! Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Finding Strength in Water" - UC Prompt [4]

I was wondering if you had any suggestions that would help me keep my example about tabla, because I wanted to include a concrete example to clarify what I meant. Since it only seems to make it more confusing, do you have any suggestions to keep it while using it to clarify? Thanks so much, Cindy!

Undergraduate / Peruvian Influence-Common Application Essay + Fashion-Common App Short Answer [2]

Your short answer is lovely! So many deliciously descriptive words. I love how you are able to capture so much feeling in such a short amount of space and words. My only suggestion would be to remove "essentially" before the word transformed and to clarify who the "individuals" are that you mention in the sentence after the one including "exotic birds of fashion" (fantastic line, by the way!).

As for your Common App essay, I have to say. I am in love with you writing style. You so beautifully capture feelings in a way that makes me wish I knew you! The humility of your tone and the pride for your family - it all fits so well. Your grandmother's advice seems to have carried on well. These responses definitely gave me a feel for the type of person you are and seem to me to be enough for the colleges to realize they should accept you!

If you have some time (I know you're busy with your own apps!) could you please check out my essays and give me some feedback? I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Some people prefer to plan activities for their free time very carefully [3]

Most people think that weekend or free time is a time of leisure after doing planned work and following a schedule whole week, so the purpose is to take rest without bothering about any planning. Owing to take the full advantage of my free time I, however, prefer to plan my weekend. By scheduling my free time, I avoid wasting my time and take care of my family, friends and sleep. (Perhaps you could reword this like "Scheduling free time allows me to avoid wasting time while making time to do things I want to do, such as spending time with my family and friends or catching up on some well-deserved sleep.")

Acknowledging the need of having some free time, for a fresh start,(this does not really seem to fit) I always make plans for it(what does "it" refer to?) . If I want to play golf and meet a friend, but I don't schedule my time for awake up, and taking breakfast then I might miss an important meeting with some friend or community golf game on weekend. (This sentence is not completely coherent. What you are trying to say is lost. Are you saying that if you have made plans to play golf and you have also made plans to meet a friend, but you have a meeting as wel, you have to plan your time carefully to make sure that you can meet all your commitments and still have time for fun?) Being a family man, I am accustomed of(should be "to" not "of") spending some time with my family that can only be possible if I schedule my time in such a way that I can meet my friends, as well as have a dinner with my family.

People mostly spend the whole week or do their job according to a schedule. People who do not have a plan for their leisure work, are usually late for their work or unable to accomplish the assigned task. Students can miss preparation for the test or quiz since they play without planning.

My body rhythm doesn't allow me to work without plan. I sleep at time, but if I stayed awake and watch movies, without planning, late at night on weekend, I wouldn't be able to get up on time the next morning. I can ruin my Monday, the first day of a week, after getting to the work late and by feeling drowsiness the rest of the day. (Restate it in a more clear way. ex: My body runs on set schedule, so planning to get things done at the right times is essential. For example, if I stay up later than I usually would to watch a movie on a weekend, the entire next day is ruined. I end up being late for work, or feel drowsy the entire day.)

World is moving in (should be "at") a fast pace and getting some free time in such a mechanized (I think you're looking for a different word here...) life is blissful. I always prefer to plan my free time in such a way that I can be able to have some rest, as well as enjoy with my friends and relatives.

Overall, your ideas are good. Your writing just needs to be cleaned up a bit to reflect better grammar. Good job!

Undergraduate / "But why is it art?" - Art Essay [3]

This essay is very well-written! Most of your transitions are smooth and your writing is clear and easy to follow. In your first paragraph, however, I would say you should change the wording of this sentence: This paper explains how such movements and styles challenge definition of western art, that led to the discovery of ephemeral art.

I feel when you're writing and you come out and just say "this paper is about this" it comes off as a little awkward. Instead, maybe try linking it to the sentence before it by saying "These movements can be further explored as to how such movements and styles challenge [the?] definition of western art, that led to the discovery of ephemeral art."

Your transition to the conclusion could be a little more smooth. Perhaps add a sentence to the end of the Kaprow paragraph that links to how he pushed the boundaries of art.

Your essay shows thought and development, which makes it actually interesting to read! I think perhaps Renaissance should be capitalized, but you seem to know much more about art history than I do, so I'll let you keep your judgment on that.