I just finished writing my personal statement, so I am aware that it might not be as strong as other personal statements, for now. I want it to flow. I also feel like it needs more imagery but it's hard for me to be creative when I'm constrained. I need help cutting down my first prompt, I'm off by about 40 words. Feel free to be as harsh as you want. I can return the favor if you have an essay you need to edit as well. Your help is much appreciated :)
Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Working relentless hours a day, in the coffee fields of Guatemala, is not an activity that most twelve year olds hope to partake in during their vacation. I wasn't exactly sure what I was getting myself into when this idea came to me; all I knew was that I wanted to explore my mother's home country and experience what she and my other family members had to endure in their country.
Each day, for two months, I would ride in the back of my uncle's red Toyota pick up truck, accompanied by some of my other relatives, and we would head up north to the coffee fields. We would spend all day walking around steep hills meticulously picking coffee beans off the trees. At the end of the week we would get paid according to however many sacks we were able to fill up with coffee. With my two month salary I was able to gather enough money to have my uncle drive me around surrounding cities. I was able to explore different lands, their atmosphere and the living conditions of Guatemalan natives. I had the chance to visit well known cities such as Antigua, Guatemala City, and Tikal, as well as other lesser known towns, such as Esquipulas and Nueva Santa Rosa-where my mother is from. Even though I was too young to know it then, this is where I first encountered my ever growing connection to geography.
I have known since an early age that I want a career in humanitarian aid and relief, going into college though; I wasn't exactly sure what major was right for me, since humanitarian work encompasses such a broad field, so I decided to join clubs in subjects/areas that grabbed my interest. Science Club was the club that stood out to me the most, as the members of this club were the most curious and adventurous. Going to a camping trip with the club is where I first learned about Geography-this subject wasn't taught at any of my local schools. At first my interest was minimal because the subject was so foreign to me, but as I kept taking classes my interest began to escalate and I realized that this major was the best suited for me, as it is one of the few majors that gives a holistic view of world issues such as: population growth, under distribution of resources, health care, issues dealing with gender inequalities, and the environment-all issues that would be helpful for a humanitarian to know about.
Becoming an effective leader for my beliefs took me time. My involvement, as an executive member, in my school's student government has made me a more outspoken politically driven person. Being an advocate for academics and student affairs has aided me in becoming more aware of problems students face not only as pupils but as individuals. Having experienced the troubles Guatemalan natives go through and the issues students' deal with, I have decided to double major in Geography and Peace and Conflict Studies. I believe both of these majors share some similarities as they both encompass political and ecological problems that we as humanity face. With Peace and Conflict studies I would concentrate on the political and economic side of human rights.
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have never took into account what a privileged individual I am because of the personal qualities I posses. For most of my early life I was picked on for being different and weird, or so I was told. Because of this I had a hard time accepting myself for my sexual orientation and personality, part of it due to my strict Catholic upbringing. When I reached my teen years I decided that I would try to seek normality, so I tried imitating "normal" people and began using drugs to numb my emotions-up to the point where I had to be taken to the hospital for a drug overdose at the age of sixteen.
While some people take a victim mentality when challenges arise, I look at challenges as a blessing of opportunities and possibilities to make myself stronger, my drug overdose was the greatest turning point of my life. To most people a tragic event is like a taboo that should never be spoken of, but I believe these moments are the ones that bring about a person's character. These events helped me realized my most prominent personal qualities, which I hold with high regard: motivation and perseverance.
Growing up, I didn't really have a figure head that motivated me to master an instrument, play a sport, or study hard to be more than an average student. My parents, like most others, spent most of their days working arduous shifts, they didn't have enough time or energy to talk to my sister's and I about the importance of education, that's not to say they weren't responsible hardworking people. It was through watching documentaries that I augmented my motivation. Not being able to travel the world wouldn't stop me from learning about other people's cultures or their life stories. I would make time to watch a documentary at least once a month. I wanted to learn about all the current issues I read on the newspaper and other issues I had yet to learn about, I would search for documentaries on immigration, women's rights in the Middle East, and corporations amongst others. Lying on the hospital bed, as silly as it might sound, I felt a burning sensation inside of me because I knew that I would be failing not only my family and myself, but all those people in the documentaries with who's stories I had developed a connection with. This is when I decided that even though I might be both different and an average student that wouldn't stop me from continuing my education and trying to help these people I had come to know about. I would try to seek and grab any educational opportunity that came way, no matter how minute it might be. Years have passed since I faced my toughest challenge and I can gladly say that my motivation and perseverance have only strengthened me and helped me become a more compassionate person.
i think both essays are pretty good, for the first one i can see that you are very passionate about your major
for the second one, i think you should maybe insert a transition between these sentences: "y parents, like most others, spent most of their days working arduous shifts, they didn't have enough time or energy to talk to my sister's and I about the importance of education, that's not to say they weren't responsible hardworking people. It was through watching documentaries that I augmented my motivation."
i feel like you were talking about how your parents didn't talk to you about education, so maybe say that the documentaries helped realize the importance of it in addition to the motivation?
also in the beginning of the essay i wasn't sure what you were trying to say with the sexual orientation part?
i hope this was somewhat helpful..
Prompt 1: What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
Working relentless hours a day, in the coffee fields of Guatemala, is not an activity that most twelve year olds hope to partake in during their vacation. I wasn't exactly sure what I was getting myself into when this idea came to me; all I knew was that I wanted to explore my mother's home country and experience what she and my other family members had to endure in their country.
Each day, for two months, I would ride in the back of my uncle's red Toyota pick up truck, accompanied by some of my other relatives, and we would head north to the coffee fields. WeI would spend all day walking around steep hills meticulously picking coffee beans off the trees. At the end of the week we I would get paid according to however many sacks we wereI was able to fill up with coffee. With my two month salary I was able to gather enough money to have my uncle drive me around surrounding cities. I was able to explore different lands, their atmosphere and the living conditions of Guatemalan natives. I had the chance to visit well known cities such as Antigua, Guatemala City, and Tikal, as well as other lesser known towns, such as Esquipulas and Nueva Santa Rosa-where my mother is from. Even though I was too young to know it then, this is where I first encountered my ever growing connection to geography. (I think adding a little more about how this experience connects to a career in humanitarian aid, such as witnessing poverty, etc. Where you leave off with this paragraph doesn't clearly communicate how it connects to your career choice. You need to connect how geography and being involved in humanitarian aid connect, especially with this example, and again in the next paragraph, because I don't think it's clear.)
I have known since an early age that I want a career in humanitarian aid and relief, going into college though; I wasn't exactly sure what major was right for me, since humanitarian work encompasses such a broad field, so I decided to join clubs in subjects/areas that grabbed my interest. Science Club was the club that stood out to me the most, as the members of this club were the most curious and adventurous. Going to a camping trip with the club is where I first learned about Geography-this subject wasn't taught at any of my local schools. At first my interest was minimal because the subject was so foreign to me, but as I kept taking classes my interest began to escalate and I realized that this major was the best suited for me, as it is one of the few majors that gives a holistic view of world issues such as: population growth, under distribution of resources, health care, issues dealing with gender inequalities, and the environment-all issues that would be helpful for a humanitarian to know about.
Becoming an effective leader for my beliefs took me time. My involvement, as an executive member, in my school's student government has made me a more outspoken and politically driven person. Being an advocate for academics and student affairs has aided me in becoming more aware of problems students face not only as pupils but as individuals. Having experienced the troubles Guatemalan natives go through and the issues students' deal with, I have decided to double major in Geography and Peace and Conflict Studies. I believe both of these majors share some similarities as they both encompass political and ecological problems that we as humanity face. With Peace and Conflict studies I would concentrate on the political and economic side of human rights.
Overall: Wonderful essay! Your passion for your career goal communicates well and gives me a very good picture of the kind of person you are (the kind of person I would like to know more about/maybe accept into my school, if I were an admissions officer! (: )
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I have never took taken into account what a privileged individual I am because of the personal qualities I posses. For most of my early life, I was picked on for being different and weird, or so I was told. Because of this I had a hard time accepting myself for my sexual orientation and personality, part of it duepartly owing to my strict Catholic upbringing. When I reached my teen years I decided that I would try to seek normality, so I tried by imitating "normal" people and began through using drugs to numb my emotions-up to the point where I had to be taken to the hospital for a drug overdose at the age of sixteen.
While some people take a victim mentality when challenges arise, I look at challenges as a blessing of opportunities and possibilities to make myself stronger, my drug overdose was the greatest turning point of my life. To most people a tragic event is like a taboo that should never be spoken of, but I believe these moments are the ones that bring about a person's character. These events helped me realized my most prominent personal qualities, which I hold with high regard: motivation and perseverance.
Growing up, I didn't really have a figure head (I know what you're trying to say here, but i think figure head might be the wrong word choice, I think it might have a negative connotation, but I can't be sure.) that motivated me to master an instrument, play a sport, or study hard to be more than an average student. My parents, like most others, spent most of their days working arduous shifts, they didn't have enough time or energy to talk to my sister' s and I about the importance of education, that's not to say they weren't responsible hardworking people. It was through watching documentaries that I augmented my motivation. Not being able to travel the world wouldn't stop me from learning about other people's cultures or their life stories. I would make time to watch a documentary at least once a month. I wanted to learn about all the current issues I read on the newspaper and other issues I had yet to learn about, I would search for documentaries on immigration, women's rights in the Middle East, and corporations amongst others. Lying on the hospital bed, as silly as it might sound, I felt a burning sensation inside of me because I knew that I would be failing not only my family and myself, but all those people in the documentaries with who's stories I had developed a connection with. This is when I decided that even though I might be both different and an average student that wouldn't stop me from continuing my education and trying to help these people I had come to know about. I would try to seek and grab any educational opportunity that came way, no matter how minute it might be. Years have passed since I faced my toughest challenge and I can gladly say that my motivation and perseverance have only strengthened me and helped me become a more compassionate person.
Overall: Fantastic essay that gave me insight into your life. Your personal motivation is inspiring to read about and is very touching. With both your statements combined, I think you present yourself as a great asset to the UCs you're applying to! Good luck!
