Undergraduate / Supplement for Common App (Boston University is the door) [2]

Prompt: Students consider many different factors when applying to college. Briefly discuss who or what influenced your decision to apply to Boston University.

Please look for grammer/spelling problems. There also may be a problem with the flow and the phrasing of the entire essay. I don't know if this properly answers the prompt, so please look into that. Thank You!

Ever since I first discovered the existence of Boston University I knew it was the school for me.
One of the main reasons for my applying to Boston University is the psycology B.A/M.A/Ph.D programs that are offered. I have heard rumors of the mind-numbingly difficult work that is associated with these programs, but these are only factors that will ulitmately help me.

I am also drawn to the sophisticated study abroad programs; programs that I plan to partake in if I am accepted. It has always been my dream to take my academic career overseas to experience a different learning environment. Not only will studying abroad help open my mind to alternative teaching methods, but I will also be exposed to an unfamiliar language and culture.

Additionally, the impressively low teacher to student ratio at Boston University is one of my favorite aspects because despite the fact that it is one of the largest private universities, personal instruction and aid is still available to students.

Initially I was hesitant to consider Boston University because it is so distant from California; both culturally and geographically. However, I realized that the different environment and culture would allow me to become my own person; without any influence or help from my family and friends. I would also be allowed a new start in a place where no one knows me; an opportunity that only comes once or twice in one's lifetime. I know that once I am remove from my comfort zone in Irvine, I will be able to fully become independent and accumulate my own experience. Boston University is the door that will help me become the person that I have always dreamed of being.

In a similiar vein, I have been raised in a diverse community, and this is something that I will never let go of. I realize the Boston has many aspects that attracts people from all over the world, thus creating the perfect diversified mixing pot that I crave for.

Undergraduate / Rochester Essay - Supp. (secluded from society) [2]

Prompt: Rochester students represent many different points of view. Each student constructs an independent study and research plan. Describe what you will contribute to Rochester's diversity of ideas, experiences, and identities. If you can, incorporate a positive past experience where you chose your own learning path, or a negative experience where you wanted to exercise more independence.

Growing up, I was usually secluded from society by my parents. However, instead of letting this obstacle weigh me down, I used it as motivation to learn about the world by my own means. The list of what I will contribute is endless.

I will contribute my unbiased intellect of the world. I will unleash my passion for the fine arts and expose my politically liberal mind. My fellow classmates will wait in anticipation as I cook for them the finest vegan meal they can possibly find.

Classmates will gawk, flabbergasted, as I predict their future with the use of my tarot cards. I will astound professors with my hard work and dedication. I will lead my classmates towards a successful future.

spelling/grammatical problems? flow problems?
I'm not sure if this addresses the prompt. how strong is it?
word limit: 125

Undergraduate / Common App essay 2 (political and international headlines) [3]

Prompt: Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

The lack of concern regarding political and international headlines among students is completely staggering. The ratio of those who prefer to pick up a newspaper or read the latest headline on bbc.co.uk to those who would rather pick up an issue of "People" is overwhelmingly in favor of the latter. In the past decades, the new comings of celebrities have gained a unanimously superior standing over foreign developments and domestic skirmishes. The root problem is how the media and the public's relationship have developed through the decades. The media is forced to collect meaningless articles of information surrounding our nation's film stars and rock legends because no other news makes as much profit. Even today, in the face of one of the worst economic circumstances known in human history, the media has not retracted its ever-watchful eye from the A-list world.

The people of America must have their eyes pried open with the cold, steel pliers of reality. The best place to start is in schools. Students have to open their eyes and ears to political and economic news, not only limited to the United States, but on an international level. When this happens, people will be geared towards independent thinking and unconsciously learn how to better analyze situations, ultimately resulting in an intellectually superior generation. My goal in life is to excel and shatter the human species' limitations, but it is impossible for a single person to undertake such a task. Something must be reformed to change the priorities of the people, and the sooner this occurs, the better.

I don't know how i should mention the bbc website, should i leave the url there or should i say something like "bbc site"

also please check for grammar and spelling mistakes. If there are any problems with the flow of the essay please point them out and finally, if there's any unnecessary words, please tell me I have to trim this down by 11 words.

Does anyone know if its ok for the essay to go over 250 words? because currecntly i have 260 ><
Thank You!

Undergraduate / Essay correction, activities - Yuanyang, China [4]

The prompt is:
In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

In the summer of 2008 I travelled to the rural county of Yuanyang, China, to teach English to tribal children. In the beginning interaction was awkward; it was revealed that my students initially believed I was Mexican due to my dark skin and were shocked at my ability to pronounce Chinese fluently.

Every morning I would inhale a breakfast of watery gruel before I began the hour long trek to the school. Unlike other teachers my age, I chose to return to the school at night to help struggling students. Along with English lessons, I imparted with them a specific taste of American teenage culture: for my class' talent show performance, I decided to execute a class performance of the virally popular dance, "Crank Dat". I pushed my dislike towards chauvinistic music deep into my subconscious and completely humiliated myself with my students in front of the school.

I need to know if there are any grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc. Also, if you can help me make if flow better, i would appreciate it greatly. (I'm especially concerned about how I used the colon).

Thank You

Undergraduate / "I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager" -UC Prompt 2 [3]

Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Can you please proofread my essay? The italic are phrases that I think can be rewritten into fancier, more educated phrases...but i can't think of it ><

Can you please help me with that? Also if you spot any grammatical errors, please point them out.
I also fear that my essay may not fully address the prompt, can you tell me if I did?
Finally if you see any unrelated or unneeded sentences or phrases, please tell me if i should delete them (this essay is too long).
Thank You Very Much.

The door burst open; dust whirled in miniature twisters about the classroom. A dozen high school students stormed into my classroom; it was a sneak attack. They quickly lined in two sloppy rows of six, hands clasped in front trying to not to laugh. Shortly after, their teacher, my roommate, a Chinese-American two years my junior walked in and bellowed a challenge to be resolved on the basketball courts.

We were among a group of thirty-three Americans who volunteered to travel deep into the rural parts of China to teach English to underprivileged tribal children. We entered the village of Yuan-Yang after a seven hour bus ride from Kunming, China. Having come from the epitome of suburban America I was shocked to see the living conditions that we encountered. I come from a world where everything is neatly trimmed, parents place CAUTION: CHILDREN PLAYING signs on roads to discourage maniacs from running over their children and SUVs rule the well built roads. In China, we came across houses made of mud and oxen feces, pigs giving birth just outside front doors, but worst of all, we encountered a society that was completely against the concept of institutionalized education. In their society, education is viewed with scorn and seen as a waste of time without a guaranteed income. Those who choose to pursue education beyond the mandatory six years are regarded as social stigmas. Single mothers who send their grown sons to school instead of the fields to work are often targets of rape and harassment by neighbors.

I was assigned to a class of students about to enter their first year of junior high. In the beginning it was awkward and no one talked or volunteered. In fact I later learned my students had initially believed that I was a Mexican due to my dark skin tone and were shocked when I was able to pronounce Chinese fluently. Despite this rocky start, we became closer through our time spent together, to the point that some of my students felt comfortable enough to bequest their life stories with me. They each had their own story, one was an orphan, another watched his mother fall to her death; however, despite their harsh lives they each shared an intense passion to learn.

As cliché as it sounds, I learned more from my students than they will ever know. My students' determination to excel without regard to how their community will treat them awakened something within me. It occurred to me that I had taken far too much in my life for granted; the food, the shelter, my parent's income, the fact that my neighbors will accept me. I doubt no one else from this trip gained as much as I did. I have become more independent now and more susceptible to the world and people around me. I entered China as a typical spoiled American teenager, and was able to leave as a more mature adult, who achieved a clearer view of the world she lives in.

Undergraduate / A CULT and YOUTH?- UC Essay Prompt #1. revise. [6]

Please help me revise my essay! The italic means that I feels that the phrase sounds awkward, and would like you to help me make it more fluid, or advise me how i can do so. The bold are words that I want to be replaced with more...intelligent/elegant word.

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

By dictionary definitions, I am part of a cult. Every Sunday for the past seventeen years, my family and I have aroused ourselves at 3 am to drive to a remote plot of barren desert in the outskirts of Riverside, California. Upon arrival we gather our meditation cushions, and trudge in darkness up to the Meditation Hall to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives.

As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation. I used Buddhism as a cover to avoid awkward explanations of my unique religious status to others. At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant.

I was repeatedly taught that I did not pertain to any particular "religion" but to a "method" in which, practitioners earn enlightenment through hours of daily meditation. We are bound by five precepts: Do not lie; do not steal; do not partake in adultery; do not partake in either drugs or alcohol; and do eat kill (and thus, no consumption of either meat or egg). Leading us in this journey towards enlightenment is our Master, the Supreme Master Ching Hai.

All my life, it has been emphasized that the outcome in the afterlife outweighs all other priorities of life on Earth; However, I was never among the other children who blindly accepted this standpoint. After becoming "initiated" into the method, I began to question the basis of our practice. Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that, I became overwhelmed with my curiosity. More importantly, I was filled with the concept that if I did not try something, then I will never be able to know what the experience feels like.

If it were possible to convey first hand experiences to another individual, would there still be issues such as violence, especially if the experience of pain was possible to communicate?

Similarly, how could someone describe the taste of beef or chicken to me, a person who has only experienced the touch of fruits and vegetables? Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method".

This desire to experience different opportunities has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg; simple things that an average person would consider parts of life's norm. When I began to satisfy my curiosity, I discovered that there were several things that were inhibiting my experience of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method".

To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity.

Do I have enough voice in this essay?
Have I sufficiently addressed the prompt?
Also, I really need to shave down the word count for this essay. It is at 580 words, and I need it to be as close to 500 as possible.

Thank You.