Unanswered [11] | Urgent [0]

Posts by angelalp19
Joined: Dec 15, 2011
Last Post: Dec 15, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 5  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 6
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Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'career in Nursing' - reasons for choosing the specific health care career you [8]

Some say that in order to get anywhere in the medical field you have to be outragiously smart. Through my experiences, however, I've realized that the common link between the doctors and nurses I've met isn't intelligence or test scores, but passion for what you do. I may not get the highest test scores and my ideas may not be brilliant or groundbreaking but I know without a doubt that my heart is strong enough to get me where I want to be. My determination has led me into the most competitive program in my high school which, in turn, has given me valuable experience in the field of nursing. I've seen firsthand the affect that nurses and doctors have on their patients' lives and I want more than anything to do the same. Already, the program has given me the opportunity to interact with patients and it's been one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

Hope that works :)
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / I have a Mohawk---commonapp essay for upenn, princeton, amherst, rochester [14]

Soo I'll start by saying I genuinely enjoyed reading your essay. :) You're definitely a talented writer, but like you said, it has to be cut down. I know this would be changing a lot but maybe you could take out the beginning. It was funny but it was almost too sarcastic. I think if you start with a particular story about a stranger who commented (I guess the shopkeeper would work but they might not believe that he actually threw pebbles since "adults are too mature for that") and go from there it would work. I don't think you should change your last paragraph besides possibly taking out the part about your singing teacher. So I guess the essay would go like this:

Random stranger dissing the mohawk - it happens often
Transition into your family judging you (At one time similar insults came from my family...) and then you couldn't take it so you explained to your father

End with your last paragraph

You might have to cut out some parts in the family section to make it short enough. As long as you get your point across it'll still sound great. If you want me to read a revised version or need help with what specific sentences to cut I could try.

Mind using your awesome writing skills to read over mine? :)
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Three days in the wilderness' - leaving comfort zone prompt [6]

My concerns were pretty much addressed by the other comments but I have one more comment:

By the second day I had made new friends who distracted me from becoming homesick, I had taken nature walks through the marshland to replace technology, and I had learned to catch and cook my own food without using an electric stove. I no longer missed my comfort zone and was willing to embrace new ideas from outside my comfort zone.

I think the second sentence could use some work. Maybe:
I realized that the life inside my comfort zone, while admittedly much easier, essentially deprived me of times like these. The ideas which I had regarded as silly or strange were, in actuality, liberating and a learning experience when viewed through an unbiased lens.
Dec 15, 2011
Undergraduate / My journey to changing the world - Common App [7]

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

It was sad. I had poured my heart and soul into this for a year, putting in extra effort to make up for being so young. I nearly emptied my shelves for the book drive, coordinated the drop off and transportation, and headed the marketing/sales division of the benefit concert. When they finally asked me, a freshman, to be secretary-treasurer of Amnesty International over the upperclassmen I was ecstatic. But as I sat there a few months later watching our new advisor pass out paper for letter-writing I felt utterly trapped. All of the dynamism and action that I had fallen in love with was gone. There were people all over the world in need of help now, help I knew I couldn't give by writing letters. As impressive as it would have been, I didn't march to the principal's office that day and demand a new club be formed. The process took time and I asked for many opinions before I finally took the risk and Raiders Reaching Out began in September 2010.

Not everybody was receptive to my idea at first. When I first inquired about starting the club in guidance, I was told that there were already plenty of clubs that I could join and suggest my ideas to, like Amnesty International. Being stubborn certainly has its drawbacks, but in this case I'm proud of my determination and unwillingness to settle. I spent hours writing a very passionate email to my principal who, as it turns out, completely supported my idea.

Since it started, RRO has continually tested my resolve. I had a million ideas, forty students with different passions and skills, and thousands of causes that needed attention. I can recall late nights finishing posters or organizing workshop supplies, the clock shining a glaring red 3:00 into my blinking eyes. My car has become the club bus service, transporting a combination of high school students, groceries, and craft supplies at all times. Along with my taxi duties, I've become a professional at multi-tasking: running between classes to talk to the principal or our club advisor or reviewing solubility rules in my head while stocking food at the pantry.

Still, struggle has allowed for incredible success. Our local food pantry, which in the past has been unable to maintain a steady supply of food, has not seen an empty shelf in almost a year. Through workshops we've held, with profits totaling over $5000 to date, five local families were able to put presents under their Christmas trees. By the end of the year we had run a total of 11 fundraisers or events.

Out of all the lives this club has changed, however, it has definitely affected me the most. The word change probably isn't the most accurate; it gives the impression that I'm a different person than I once was. My morals, values, and regard for others are still intact, but how I exemplify those things in my life has evolved. I've realized that thoughts and words are a necessary foundation, but only actions can make dreams a reality. I'm no longer afraid to do what I know is right, even if I'm the only one doing it. Most importantly, there's a new fire inside of me and any doubts that lingered before are long gone. I can and will change the world.