Undergraduate / 'fertilizer to fill one bottle' - Supp essay: Tell a bit more about yourself [3]

Hi,

Pls help me spot any grammatical errors and awkward sentences. Also, pls help me comment on the content =) Thx a lot!.

As seconds merged into minutes, my eyes started to droop sleepily. Armed with a torch in one hand and a sharp trowel in the other, I furiously attacked the layers of soil. Then, I dumped the soil on the cold concrete as my friend, XYZ, frantically searched for it.

"ABC! Be more careful," she said with a deep, authoritative voice. I paused and looked down to see mangled carcasses littering the floor. Oh no! These blue worms cost me a fortune. But with only a few hours to go, I couldn't afford to slow down. Praying hard, I continued to thrust the trowel into the wet soil. Then suddenly, I found it. Lying deep beneath the soil, all I saw was a thin, dark layer of fertilizer, which was barely discernible in the dark.

"Are you kidding me? This can't be all," XYZ muttered. Disbelief was written all over her face. It's been weeks but these blue worms hardly produced enough fertilizer to fill one bottle. I've spent nights poring on the Internet, researching on a new decomposing method to produce organic fertilizer. I thought I have crafted the perfect business plan. Now, my pilot project has failed to give the result that I've wanted. My efforts seemed to be flushed down the drain. To make matter worse, the business pitch would be in a few weeks. What was I supposed to tell those investors?

Panic engulfed my team. Some of us began to have serious doubts about our project. Did you do it correctly? Would this actually work? Was it better if we come up with a new project? Countless questions were asked. But none of us had the answer. After a long, awkward silence, I explained to them that we couldn't afford to start a new project. As the researcher in the team, I offered to find a reason why it has failed. For the next few weeks, I crafted a new plan for my second pilot project. While I was dutifully searching for the answers from research journals, I also created new ways to make the project more foolproof. Unlike before, I now varied the different control environments and choices of food for the worms. All was done in the hope that I could eventually discover the optimal conditions for decomposition. I was determined that we would succeed this time and, indeed, we did.

Reflecting back, I have learnt the importance of resilience and optimism from this experience. As long as I hope that my plans can go smoothly, there are often setbacks present along the way. However, instead of losing hope, I should instead seek to make the best out of the mess and take the leap. After all, life cannot be designed like a building. Sometimes, I just need to live it and it will design itself. Armed with this conviction, I will continue to strive during collegiate years both inside and outside of classroom, as an individual and as part of a team.

A major concern i have for my essay is that it is rather too long. Also, I find it way too formal (so quite boring?). Hm, and is it a rather dull and done-to-death piece???

Undergraduate / My passion in politics - Common App essay [3]

Hey guys,
Pls help me comment on my essay...I still think that the way I ended it is not very good but I'm not sure how to end it as well. Hmm, also pls pls help me to check for any mistakes along the way. Thanks a lot :)

Cambodia, Singapore and I

I think I began to grow up that Friday afternoon. It has already been four years but the image still plays vividly in my mind. My hands were trembling as I swiftly tore open the sealed envelope. I unfolded the letter, and quickly skimmed through for the word. I found it. There, sandwiched between many other words, is the word I eagerly waited for: Congratulations. I was blessed with the chance to continue my high-school education in Singapore on a scholarship.

Before that, I was a typical student in Cambodia whose life was very much predictable. Almost every thing had been clearly planned out for me; I was supposed to study medicine after high school and became another doctor. Having a son as a doctor is what almost every Cambodian parent hopes for.

'It is well-paid and respectable. Period.' explained my mother.

This scholarship was more than just a ticket to an independent life. It was a door! And as I opened this door, I was introduced into a world of possibilities, beyond the iodoform smell in the hospital, the stethoscope and the queue of patients waiting for their turns. For the first time, I had the chance to explore my passion: politics.

Indeed, the journey towards finding my passion was not as easy as I thought. Leaving my comfort zone and trying to assimilate in a new environment was immensely challenging. But at the same time, it taught me to better appreciate my past. I like to consider myself as a part of seemingly two different worlds. The metropolitan city of Singapore is nothing short of a fantasy to, say, a Cambodian villager, who spent half his life on the farmland. What is considered as a privilege in Cambodia is often a given in Singapore. I was amazed by the luxurious lifestyle enjoyed by my Singaporean friends. For instance, graduating classes are entitled to air-conditioned classrooms that are always brightly illuminated with LED. Things were very different back in Cambodia. I still can recall what it felt like to be packed in a small, stuffy classroom with no fan along with forty other students. It was almost literally "survival of the fittest"! On a good day, an origami fan would help me survive through the day. On a bad day (if it rained), however, lessons were disrupted as students rushed in and out of the classroom to stop the rainwater leaking through the roof. That was my old world. So when I step into this new world, I realized what I have always wanted to accomplish in my life: to make a difference. This thought inspires me to pursue a tertiary education in political science. Indeed, builiding a different world would require a change in policies, which is why I have decided to devote my life to politics. Of course, I do not intend to say that a doctor brings no difference to one's life. Without doubt, a doctor often creates miracles in the life of his patients. Both paths are able to bring about changes, albeit in different manners. Politics, however, better appeals to me.

In my sophomore year, I had my first experience with politics as a participant in the Raffles Model United Nations Conference. In the General Assembly, I represented Somalia in determining the most effective way to distribute humanitarian aids amidst crises. It was a tricky job since Somalia had virtually no government infrastructure. Nevertheless, with all my passion and determination, I fought (of course, not physically) for what I believed was best for my Somalia. Indeed, such simulations are nothing compared to the complexity of modern International relations. It lacked the real people, the real property, and the real problems. Yet, I was truly glad that at least my passion was present.

Charles De Gaulle once said, 'politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.' However, in countries such as Cambodia, before the people are truly empowered to influence political decisions, a change in the political system is necessary. I believe that to make this change, a young politician with a fresh mindset and viewpoints is much needed. It would not be easy, but an American education in political science is essential to help groom me into this person.