Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Chopeful
Joined: Dec 18, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Chopeful   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'lost in my dreams' + 'Literature and books' - University of Virginia Supplements [4]

Prompt 2:College of Arts and Sciences: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way

It lay settled on the floor with a badly beaten cover. In its front was stamped an infrastructure of some kind. The decrepit paperback mourned for attention, waiting to be picked up.

I had a lot of trouble on this one and I am not sure if I even answered the prompt correctly. Also is it too negative?

It was summer before my junior year as I looked through my tiny collection of books. Robert Warren to Stephen King was stationed safely in my collection, yet one book was predisposed in shame as it laid on the floor. I picked up the manuscript and read the title," The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand." Not recognizing the novel I immediately read the first page, causing me to be plunged into the unfortunate tale of Roark.

After I finished the novel, I was astonished why I never read it before. Most importantly, was the discomfort her novel brought. Though I like to relate to the philosophy of a tale, Rand's novel was one I was ashamed of supporting. Rand pushed ideals of selfishness and misanthropy, something I had always seen as foolish. Furthermore, her tale reinforced her argument of the benefits of doing such things. I sat disposed in despair questioning if I would follow Rand's philosophy or reject it without consideration.

Finally, through much contemplation, I integrated Rand's philosophy into my life. I still deviated from being a complete narcissist like Rand intended, but I learned to not allow myself to be easily moved by others. Even though I saw life as a competition, I still respected my friends as kind individual, but now I looked twice when helping them. The sad truth was my junior year was my best year, perpetuating the ugly notion that continues to cause me calamity.
Chopeful   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Announcing the program for us' - Common App Short Answer [9]

Likke capriciousprite said, this essay has to reflect who you are. Try to put more emphasis on how it changed you or how it displays who you are, do not spend your whole time with all the imagery. Also I am not saying that imagery is bad, but you need to cut some off. In my opinion, since you already spent a lot of detail in the beginning and the reading activity, try to cut down the arts and crafts part. Alas, it is truly up to you if you want to change that part.
Chopeful   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'lost in my dreams' + 'Literature and books' - University of Virginia Supplements [4]

May you please correct my essay or give me advise. Thank you!
Sorry if some parts seem awkward I can not seem to think at all for this prompt even though it really is open to creativity. Also should i just start off with just saying dreams of my past instead of describing the garage or does it answer the prompt well already?

Prompt 1: Discuss your favorite place to get lost.

As I stood, silenced settled in the dark damped room. Where was I? Suddenly, a lamp lowered lighting the deteriorated place. A small stage appeared, stationed with three beds and two televisions, fit for a family of five, that was my location. Although some might consider it an unfortunate circumstance, I could not be happier to be lost with an old friend. This gruesome grossed garage was the epitome of glamour in the eyes of my seven year old self and still to this day.

During my childhood I saw past the obvious, this was not a garage, this was my battle fort filled with entertainment and confinement, and I was its commander. While I was not retaliating for a fierce battle against my cousin, I was flicking through channels watching Pokémon and Power Rangers at the same time! Take that TiVo. Furthermore, the garage served as my intellectual sanctuary as I would be confined in it, reading and writing.

What a chance to relive my childhood memories, what a great place to be. I was glad to be left lost here, as it refined myself as I once was. Sweet irony make me your prisoner, a seven-year-old boy was smarter than his predecessor. When I was small, I transfigured a small piece of "trash" into something so aesthetic, when now I pale in comparison.

As I roamed the small room I finally saw the door bleed lukewarm light. I knew I could no longer be lost in the memories of the past so I left. The alarm struck six; I guess I was lost in my dreams once again. Although it was not real, I cherished being lost in the tranquility of my past, since it continues to refine me.
Chopeful   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / BU Essays - ROOMMATE / DIALOGUE [6]

There are some grammatical mistakes and weird phrases.
At first, we planned to meet at Starbucks, but then I told her that I'm not a big fan of coffee, because I think it's bitter, so we agreed to meet at Barnes and Noble since it's also one of her favorite stores.

The way you go to the sentence is awkward, since all your sentences before were pretty concise. Also the sentences is too long
I walk around the store looking=Walked
Midnight's Children, The Help, Vampire Academy Series or any novel, historical fiction science fiction, or cookbook.
Either say two books or two genres, do not just list a lot of things
Avoid contractions
. I can could learn about her heritage and can educate her about
Some parts in your last paragraph seem awkwardly phrased. Also change your last sentence, since this is where you really want to leave something memorable.

Try to get some more people to contribute.
Chopeful   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Emory Essay Supplement: Unique & Ride [3]

May I please have some help on my essay or some advise. Thank you very much!
Both are suppose to be 250 words max.

Prompt 1: What are the unique qualities of Emory University, and the specific school(s) which you are applying( Emory College of Arts and Sciences, Oxford College, or both), that make you want to become part of Emory University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

Dear Emory,

As I study every angle of your character, the more abnormal yet similar to me you become. It surprises me that an intellectual such as yourself still maintains a sense of comedy. You maintain your tremendous knowledge of spirogyra, while still preserving your hilarious hijinks with your buddy Dooley. The unconventional mixture, stirred in tranquility, perplexes me.

Aside from being unique, you also maintain an open mind. This feature is apparent, since you do not incarcerate yourself with similar friends as you consult with those who discuss politics to those who preach literature. Furthermore, you do not bind yourself to a single culture as you speak from Spanish to Chinese. A receptive individual with distinctive qualities, why are we not friends already?

Hopefully, this year I will be part of your intellectual entourage and participate in your blissful discussions. Moreover, I will stay a faithful acolyte, so that one-day my whispers may transfigure into roars of brilliance. In addition, having Cas enlighten me with his knowledge of the arts and sciences would be a fortunate perk. I would listen to ever bit of detail on the science of life, never wasting a minute of his lecture.

Now stationed as a member, I would arm myself with my Zebra M-301 loaded with .5 lead, heading to the fortress of the elders, ready to be tested on my worthiness! My first assignment, given by elder Corces, titled Chromatin: A Simple Material or Your Worst Nightmare! Immediately, I would go to your uncle Woodruff's library, and begin my journey. I know I am getting ahead of myself, but be allowed to be around your clique would mean a lot to me.

Sincerely,
A future friend

It is not suppose to be in a letter format, but I thought it was a pretty cool idea. Or is it dumb? Also do I answer the prompt well?

Dooley: Unofficial mascot of the university. Cas=C.A.S. College of Arts and Sciences I don't know if they will get that.
Uncle Woodruff = Robert W. Woodruff Main Library
Corces= Victor G. Corces, a professor at the university.

Prompt 2: What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?
The vehicle slowly clunked as it climbed to the top. I clutched the metallic bar and dug deep into the black tar seat, trying to reinforce my safety any way I could.

The car paused two hundred and fifty five feet above the ground. I looked over the edge and quickly thought to myself," Why did I pick this ride? Why do I enjoy challenges?" Suddenly, the cart plunged into darkness. Immediately, I was struck by G-forces, which burrowed me even deeper into my seat. At first I had no sense of what was going on, but I forced myself up and acknowledged my location. As the cart flew through its tracks I opened my eyes and gazed in amazement. At that instance, all the fear subsided and I was overcome by bliss that comes with defeating every challenge. Then the ride proceeded to heighten with acceleration until it halted to a complete stop. It was over.

At the end, I was glad that I had gone on the "most intense" ride first, since after riding Goliath, everything else seemed easier. Furthermore, had I gone on less strenuous rides, I would have probably never gone on Goliath fearing it to be too frightening. Ultimately, there was benefit in approaching the most difficult tasks first, since all other tasks pale in comparison.

Again thank you very much for your help.
Chopeful   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Julius Caesar is one of the most powerful pieces of literature; Amherst College Sup [3]

There are many grammatical mistakes, which make your sentences sound awkward.
Example:
Literature, I thought in ninth grade, was for the birds. Anyone who grown up on books like The Famous Five™ and Nancy Drew™ would share my opinion.

I had taken Julius Caesar for my tenth grade English class, but when I first pursued it I was not impressed.
However, as I read up more historical facts, the significance of the play hit me like a brick .
Also some parts seem unnecessary
Julius Caesar is one of the most powerful pieces of literature.
Furthermore, try to make it more reflective and not a summary of Julius Caesar.
In short, your intro is weak and needs improvement Literature, I thought....omnipresent in both life and death. Also the ending is your strong point Julius Caesar a timeless... again and again.

Those are my words of advise, but try to get more people to look at your paper.
Chopeful   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Amusement Park Essay: Emory Supplement [NEW]

May someone please correct my essay (or give me advise), it is a rough draft. Thank you!
Prompt: What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?

The vehicle slowly clunked on every track of steel without missing a beat. A repeated pattern that went on as it climbed to the top. I quickly clutched its metallic bar and dug myself into the black tar seat, trying to reinforce my safety. As I gasped for last piece of air, I saw myself being carried up the cascade. "Why did I pick this ride," I iterated. "Why do I pick the hardest things," I mourned.

It stopped! It was mounted two hundred and fifty five feet above the ground! All I could recall now was its name carved out in brown polished stone: Goliath! Suddenly, the cart plunged into darkness! Immediately, G-forces stuck me down as the wind's force helped push me even further. At first I had no sense of what was going on, but I forced myself up and acknowledged my location. As the cart flew through its tracks I opened my eyes and gazed in amazement. At that instance, I wondered why I feared the experience. Then the ride proceeded to heighten with acceleration until it halted to a complete stop. It was over.

At the end, I was glad that I had gone on the "most intense" ride first, since after riding Goliath, everything else seemed easier. Furthermore, had I gone on less strenuous rides, I would have probably never gone on Goliath fearing it to be too freighting. Ultimately, there was benefit in approaching the most difficult tasks first, since they ease up the future.

I was trying to show how i try to take the most challenging things first head on without building up to it, similar to my academic life. Being that I take the most rigorous classes and never the easy classes. I do not know if if i should put that in or if it is already implied. Sorry if that seems confusing
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳