Undergraduate / 'if it weren't for Grandma' - Influential person - Princeton Supplement [3]

Hey guys, the deadline is soon so I'd really appreciate it if you can give me some feedback. I'll repay the favor..Thanks!

Prompt: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

As I draw the red album close, I run my fingers across the dents of the cover. Opening the album, I see a photo of a woman leaning against a rusted booth. She is slightly hunchbacked, her eyes swollen and face prematurely wrinkled. Yet her eyes glow with resolve - one to strive despite life's overwhelming odds. This is Grandma's story, and also mine.

Moving to America has added many ups and downs to my autobiography. Separation from Dad, huge cultural gap, and unfamiliar surroundings - together they made the beginning of my eighth grade year rather unpleasant. Language posed the most insurmountable barrier of all. With no background in English, I was barred from understanding the simplest of things. Even math and science, my usual favorites, were obscured with technical jargon. I could have given up. Instead, I gathered my severely limited vocabulary and heavy accent, and set out to improve my English.

I had developed a system. Sticking out by the side of my history textbook or wedged in between my biology worksheets were sticky notes. Rectangular, round, leaf-shaped − hundreds of them filled with my microscopic record of foreign words. They were vocabularies that I deciphered with my English-Chinese dictionary. Gradually this became my regular routine. Though it could be quite time-consuming, it was the testimony of Grandma's recipe to success: "You have to work twice as hard as anybody else."

During my late-night studies, exhausted and slump against the chair, I often found myself envisioning Grandma at work. She would stand behind her booth, selling noodles all day, every day. No matter rain or shine, she was always there, trying to make ends meet. She refused to succumb to illiteracy, but vowed to overcome her limitations. And with that, I pushed forward. I added more definitions to my sticky note and studied even more for tomorrow's test.

In AP World History, language barrier was as overwhelming as ever. As I tried to decode Aristotle's dense work, I was inadequate at translating my thoughts onto paper under limited time. Unsurprisingly, I received a mediocre score for my essay. The low grade - or rather, grades − in the class nearly defeated me if it weren't for Grandma. Even after a futile day with a few customers, she would still flash her signature smile, anticipating for a better tomorrow. Instead of mourning over the past, I moved forward. After more sticky notes, late-night study sessions, and essay practices, I finally prevailed.

I am proud to say that I've come a long way. From the day that I walked into class as an ESL student, I juggled and struggled with the new language. I still do today. Yet I don't let bumps along the way deter me from my goal. Discouragement is inevitable; however, I work to invest it as energy to be my best.

I stare at the photo as Grandma's radiant eyes look straight into mine. Slowly closing the album, I suddenly realize how I have come to resemble her - assiduous, tenacious, and open-minded.

I'm not sure if I should include my last paragraph.. Any ideas?!

Undergraduate / "Key Club" - CommonApp Short Response [4]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below.

Water gathered at the rim of the woman's eyes, sparkling. As I wrapped the cashmere scarf around her shoulders, I recalled her "qualifications" from my job briefing. Low income, mother of four, soup kitchen dependent - they probably made her holiday less than merry. To her, the scarf was more than a piece of cloth. It gave her warmth. Instantly, the mounds of toys, clothes, and essentials were no longer burdens to be given away. I was blessed with the opportunity to give. I smiled and welcomed her to Christmas House.

Through events like this Key Club has allowed me to reach out with love and compassion. Show initiative to better my community, and as leader, motivate members to do the same. Together we raised over $1,200 for UNICEF and committed weekly visits to the homeless shelter in Seattle. Key Club has invested me with a strong sense of community and helped me discover my passion therein. Service resonates with my heart, because I do believe that my actions will make a difference.

It'd be nice if you guys can help me out with my short response for common app. I'm trying not to use "passion" in my second paragraph. Any suggestion of replacing the word/phrase? Thanks so much!!

Undergraduate / 'images have lingered to this day' - Cornell College of HumanEc [3]

Prompt: What do you value about the College of Human Ecology perspective and the majors that interest you, as you consider your academic goals and plans for the future?

It happened so quickly. The ambulance, the distorted man in emergency room, the hospital monitor - these images have lingered to this day. I remember the nurse coming out and telling us the news. How he fought, struggled, and failed. I was eleven at that time, but fully aware. I resented death for taking Grandpa away - my source of solace - without any warning. Suddenly he just collapsed and went into an episode of heart attack, never coming back.

I was determined to find the truth. As I delved into the sea of web resources and scientific texts, I began to have a clearer understanding of Grandpa's condition. His heart attack was not as simple as one "faulty" gene, but more of an accumulation of biological and outside factors. Stress and bad eating habit had likely contributed to the attack. During my research, I began to realize my affinity toward medicine. Not only am I intrigued by the complex human body, I still hold that naïve child's wish: to heal. I want to reduce the pain and mend the wound of the family - to advance and improve the human experience.

With my heart set on medicine, I pursue a science-heavy curriculum in high school. My AP biology textbook is the gateway to the world of infinite possibilities. I have never ceased to marvel the intricate designs of a Venus's Flytrap or the Pailio demodocus, a butterfly species found in sub-Saharan Africa. These intricacies do not evolve in isolation. They develop as a result of interactions in the ecosystem. Thus, in order to get the complete picture, I want to study the human body in context of our environment. The College of Human Ecology, specifically Human Biology, Health, and Society (HBHS), offers the opportunity for me to explore human condition not only in a purely biological angle, but also in the light of social, economic, and cultural implications.

My interest in the sciences doesn't stop in the high school setting. I desire for more. Last summer, I seized the opportunity to explore and research advanced genetic topics in relation to the human body and health. Though the experience at Stanford University was rewarding, it presented a rather limited perspective - theoretical and solely biological.

The College of Human Ecology completes the puzzle.

It offers everything that I want. The HBHS's multidisciplinary program fosters a refreshing approach to medicine. View complex health problems in a multifaceted lens. Develop critical thinking and problem solving skills as I tackle today's societal challenges. The College also brings theoretical education to life through experiential learning. Independent research, internship, study abroad - I can't wait for what Cornell has to offer. As a medical seminar attendee and hospital intern, I will surely launch for the valuable opportunities. Working toward the College's noble mission to enrich the human experience, I plan to become a versatile physician, benefitting people not only in a localized area, but all around the world.

I need some help for grammar and advice/suggestion for the overall essay. I wasn't sure which verb tense to use so I would appreciate it if you guys can take a look. Thanks! And I'll try and give feedback for your essays as well.

Undergraduate / "Dancing and the fear of losing" - CommonApp [2]

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I could feel them. Pairs of staring eyes followed me onto the stage. It was as if they were expecting me to make a mistake - a fatal error in my performance. I grew self-conscious and began to regret my decision. What was I trying to prove? I was perfectly happy with my current state. I, for one, liked to survey the waters first before bathing my entire foot in it.

"There's going to be a talent show -- next week!" the residential counselors announced. Immediately I crossed my arms and tilted my head, an act of fear rather than indifference. I had never performed before, and I certainly wasn't going to start now. My fear came true when one of the campers suggested a group dance. Out of peer pressure, I joined "[name]'s Bollywood Crew."

During the first few practices I danced with iciness. While everyone went all out, I waved my arms with reserve. I was still testing the waters.

One of the leaders, [name], noticed my stiffness and asked me to demonstrate. I reluctantly dragged myself to the center of the crowd. The music cued me as I slowly extended my arms. Suddenly the melody picked up its pace. I began to panic. Soon my arms and legs were tangled, and I fell flat on my face. But the music kept on playing, so I had to stand back up. There was no escaping the music. Forgetting the steps, I began improvising. I punched to the beat. I jumped to succinct notes. I drew two semicircles with my arms. I even let out a resonating cry. With new-found confidence, I volunteered to be one of the center dancers. No more reluctance. No more fear.

I felt reassured as we walked to the center of the stage. We tapped along the opening beats. After several intervals, the music set us into full motion. I punched as I shook off the remaining doubts in my mind. I had forgotten all about my ineptness in dancing and the piercing eyes of the audience. As I leaped high into the air, I felt unleashed. I was finally free.

Before this summer I took refuge in self-complacency. I had been a high-achieving student as the valedictorian of my class. Being first had its price. Constantly the fear of losing haunted me. I worked hard to keep the status quo and refused to take any risk that might disturb this precious equilibrium. I had let the fear of failure rule my life, until I joined the dance. It had transformed me. I begin to take necessary risks and tackle life's challenges - even those out of my comfort zone. From now on, I will trust my intuitions, take pride in my skills, and believe in my passion and capacity as I pursue my dreams. As I begin a new chapter in my life, I now have full confidence, one that motivates me to pursue a pre-medicine path in college. Your institution will challenge me and push me to accomplish what may have been unattainable in the past. Only this time, I have what it takes to succeed. I'm ready to jump in the waters.

Any suggestions/revisions appreciated. Thanks!