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'On televisions, I had only seen the end' Giving back to your country essay

Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 30, 2011   #1
All comments/ suggestions will be GREATLY appreciated =)
pls correct my grammatical mistakes and give suggestions to change a couple of awkward sentences here
and does the essay answer the prompt ?

Please tell us how you would make a contribution to your country, using your education ?

On televisions, I had only seen the end, but not the means; only the beautiful completion of a charity work, but not the toils underlying it. And it was until my Community Service [name] Project, a project I initiated to improve a local school in [name], that I actually got a chance to taste, not just a modicum of it, but the whole chunk of the real "work" behind a charity work.

The difficulties accumulate from raising money and asking for sponsorship to carefully taking care of the budget and cooperating with the local teachers to build a toilet and repair classrooms. But in spite of all the hard works, the warmth radiating from young [the village's name] kids was my reward. And it was more than a gratifying reward. My friends and teachers, who joined my project, were similarly glad to be a part of it. And from this small, but deeply meaningful accomplishment, I felt it was my right to own a seemingly impossible dream -- to dream bigger.

My plan is to ameliorate my country in two ways: through education and through non-governmental organizations. I am not talking about an education reform, but I am talking about an attempt to enhance the education system and teach my fellow citizens to be self-sufficient, giving them "more" spaces and opportunities to think independently and productively. If every single person learns to sustain him or herself, the country as a whole will be sustained. I am also planning to introduce [name] lessons into my country's curriculum. I have seen a dichotomy between "creativity" and "education" in the education system as if the two are mutually exclusive so I would like to merge the two together. And from the Community Service [name] Project, I have realized the values of cooperation and solidarity. Thus, it is my hope to merge all small non-governmental organizations together; thereby creating a single solid organization capable of making a positive contribution to my home country. This plan ultimately utilizes the solidarity to effect a change.

My plan may sound ideal. But this is exactly why I need [the institution's name] education to make me see my solidarity-plan in my home country more complete in picture; in symmetry, more balanced; and in fixtures, quite harmonized. With the [the institution's name] flexibility to design my own curriculum, the support from the Psychology Department to help me find my "niche" in the cognitive science concentration, and the vibrant community, I will be able to come back to my home country, well prepared and fully inspired to dive headlong into all works before me, tasting all the means to an end -- and of course, not missing the beauty of an accomplished task.
Anxhela 6 / 28  
Dec 30, 2011   #2
I liked it..I think you did a good job. There are no cliche and the text is quite interesesting.
I did not find any sentence confusing..

Hope this helps a bit
OP Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 31, 2011   #3
any more suggestions? I really need help with it..
I have to submit it soon
I'd love to return the favor! =)
Thank you!
CollegeHopefuls 4 / 7  
Dec 31, 2011   #4
Personally I think you answered the prompt well.. but perhaps you can make it more personal (with an anecdote maybe like the above poster said).

I'd be willing to take a look again once you edited it :)
velvetblossom 2 / 5  
Dec 31, 2011   #5
You have lots of "but"s and "and"s at the beginning of your sentence; take care of that first.
Watch your semicolon usage to make sure both sentences before and after the semicolon are complete.
Rewrite your transitions a little to make them flow better.
Other than that, awesome essay!

Good luck!
Also: could you take a look at my Common App Essay/Lehigh Supplement in that link down there? :)
OP Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 31, 2011   #6
Thank you for your comments!
Any more ? =))
OP Musicforleisure 3 / 33  
Dec 31, 2011   #7
please help me revise it =)
I'd love to return the favor
give me suggestions/ comments

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