cephalopod
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Music, good movies' - roommate BU supplemental essay [8]
That's fine. It's your essay, anyways!
That's fine. It's your essay, anyways!
cephalopod
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Music, good movies' - roommate BU supplemental essay [8]
This essay is not very professional.
-I don't think you are supposed to talk about your music or movie interests. Are you organized? Do you want to get involved in school? What will you experience if you go to BU? It needs more BU.
-I wouldn't write "roommate" (yes, I know it's in the question, but you're technically talking to BU, not your imaginary roommate).
-Take out the contractions.
-Take out words "chill" and "hey" and "guess" and "Well, that's about me..." This is a college application, not a conversation.
-Fix your commas and grammar mistakes.
-Organize into paragraphs
-Too many topics. Pick three for three paragraphs.
Sorry if this sounds critical, but it is needed.
This essay is not very professional.
-I don't think you are supposed to talk about your music or movie interests. Are you organized? Do you want to get involved in school? What will you experience if you go to BU? It needs more BU.
-I wouldn't write "roommate" (yes, I know it's in the question, but you're technically talking to BU, not your imaginary roommate).
-Take out the contractions.
-Take out words "chill" and "hey" and "guess" and "Well, that's about me..." This is a college application, not a conversation.
-Fix your commas and grammar mistakes.
-Organize into paragraphs
-Too many topics. Pick three for three paragraphs.
Sorry if this sounds critical, but it is needed.
cephalopod
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the way humans develop, think' - academic interests and reasons for applying [7]
I think this is pretty good. You applied your passion in your community, which all colleges love.
However:
-Take out the specific podcasts because they're a bit random. You could give a specific one and talk about how it has influenced you.
-Take out "so much"
-Take out "(iTunes U)" because it has nothing to do with you.
-"I have learned so much..." It's vague. Give an example.
-How has your work experience "kindled" your passion for Sociology?
-Mind, Brain, and Education are lowercase.
-How has her books inspired your love of brain science?
-Psychology, Anthropology, Political Philosophy, and Sociology are lowercase.
-Give more specifics on how your college will enrich your interests.
Sorry, if it seems critical, but it will all be worth it once you get accepted.
I think this is pretty good. You applied your passion in your community, which all colleges love.
However:
-Take out the specific podcasts because they're a bit random. You could give a specific one and talk about how it has influenced you.
-Take out "so much"
-Take out "(iTunes U)" because it has nothing to do with you.
-"I have learned so much..." It's vague. Give an example.
-How has your work experience "kindled" your passion for Sociology?
-Mind, Brain, and Education are lowercase.
-How has her books inspired your love of brain science?
-Psychology, Anthropology, Political Philosophy, and Sociology are lowercase.
-Give more specifics on how your college will enrich your interests.
Sorry, if it seems critical, but it will all be worth it once you get accepted.
cephalopod
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my parents are Danish' - essay [15]
Some things:
-I see a lot about your family in Denmark, but I don't see you. How has Denmark influence you? What did your parent's divorce teach you? What did your mother teach you and how did you apply it in school or your community? What did having ten jobs teach you? Colleges want to know about you, not your family.
-Take out any contractions (wasn't, don't...etc). They aren't professional.
-Take out the "I guess" and "as you can probably tell."
-Use a variety vocabulary to add some *pizazz*.
-Organize your essay. And make the paragraphs flow with each other.
I'm sorry if this means you need to rewrite the whole thing, but trust me, it will be worth it once you get accepted!
Some things:
-I see a lot about your family in Denmark, but I don't see you. How has Denmark influence you? What did your parent's divorce teach you? What did your mother teach you and how did you apply it in school or your community? What did having ten jobs teach you? Colleges want to know about you, not your family.
-Take out any contractions (wasn't, don't...etc). They aren't professional.
-Take out the "I guess" and "as you can probably tell."
-Use a variety vocabulary to add some *pizazz*.
-Organize your essay. And make the paragraphs flow with each other.
I'm sorry if this means you need to rewrite the whole thing, but trust me, it will be worth it once you get accepted!