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'Music, good movies' - roommate BU supplemental essay

EnigmaticHipsta 1 / 2  
Dec 28, 2011   #1
Can someone please tell me if my essay is any good

It is three weeks before the start of your freshman year at BU, and you are talking to your new roommate for the first time. Since you are trying to get to know each other, what are a few things you would want to share about who you are?

Dear future roommate,
Since we are about to begin 3 weeks from now I thought you might get to know the person you're going to be staying with. Here's a just glimpse of the kind of person I am, but before we begin let's talk about social media/entertainment. I think by exchanging information like this you get to know me a little and the kind of person I am. First of music, I love genres of all sorts raging from dubstep and soft rock to jazz and soul. Though I do have to say that hip-hop is my favorite genre. It's like a smorgasbord of every other genre; it takes bit and pieces and molds itself into to the ultimate potpourri of sound. I decided to take my love for music one step and further and took music production (or beat making as the slang word for it) as a hobby. Though it's a long road before I'm anywhere near as good as the artist I listen to I plan to work on that as time progresses. Apart from music I love a good action and adventure movie, the thrill I get always hypes my up and puts me in a fantasy induced state making me think that I am actually taking part in the movie. I also love to explore new places so maybe before we start classes we can head out a few days earlier and move around the city and if you're new to Boston don't worry I am a native and can guide when ever you're lost. Though if there one thing I love about Boston it's the food. It's simply exquisite, though others might say otherwise but hey if they do I don't blame them I am such a glutton that I'll eat anything . well that's all about me, guess I'll be seeing you all the time for now on.

Your future roommate,
Clinton A.

ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 28, 2011   #2

The ending/concluding sentence could have a little more POW. & in the body of the essay maybe you could incorporate more of your personality traits, you squarely talked only about what you love. Are you an optimist? Are you comedic? etc. You could also try to make it a little more interesting, though I believe that problem will be corrected once you insert more about your personality.

Hope this helps!
OP EnigmaticHipsta 1 / 2  
Dec 28, 2011   #3
so can anyone give me some insight if this is good or not
cephalopod - / 4  
Dec 28, 2011   #4
This essay is not very professional.
-I don't think you are supposed to talk about your music or movie interests. Are you organized? Do you want to get involved in school? What will you experience if you go to BU? It needs more BU.

-I wouldn't write "roommate" (yes, I know it's in the question, but you're technically talking to BU, not your imaginary roommate).

-Take out the contractions.
-Take out words "chill" and "hey" and "guess" and "Well, that's about me..." This is a college application, not a conversation.

-Fix your commas and grammar mistakes.
-Organize into paragraphs
-Too many topics. Pick three for three paragraphs.

Sorry if this sounds critical, but it is needed.
OP EnigmaticHipsta 1 / 2  
Dec 28, 2011   #5
well if you read the prompt it says your engaging in a conversation with your roommate. i don't think it has to necessarily be in an essay format because i know a few people who took on this style of writing
cephalopod - / 4  
Dec 29, 2011   #6
That's fine. It's your essay, anyways!
singh955 7 / 36  
Dec 29, 2011   #7
I agree with cephalopod. You have to be critical about these essays and show that you are different.
karissa_a16 4 / 94  
Dec 29, 2011   #8
It's kind of all over the place as far as subject goes and there's grammatical issues. The diction comes off as almost immature in a way, maybe it's the short sentences I don't know. Please read my NYU one. Thanks! :D

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