Undergraduate / 'becoming a Hokie is my first choice' - Virgnia [5]

"I fell in love with Va Tech the first time I visited. When I walked around the campus, I could feel the environment was magnetic. I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world.

I would have to agree with you- this introduction is rather boring. But more importantly, it's not a very good reason...that you are somehow just attracted to "the environment" and "the abundance of cultural diversity." It's just too vague and doesn't convey the passion you are probably hoping for. I would elaborate - what things did you notice SPECIFICALLY? I would also phrase it more like this: "The first time I visited Virginia Tech, I was immediately drawn to _____________, ______________ (examples of what you were drawn to) - I value this cultural diversity as I believe it will enrich my understanding of the world." Something like that, but perhaps change "understanding of the world" as well..it is too vague. Even if you are undecided, you must have interests, let this essay reflect those interests.

Also, the general atmosphere was of a close knit community. Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie.

What "general atmosphere"? You could just say "Witnessing a close knit community of students, I sensed a pervasive happiness and pride in being Hokies." That's just a suggestion, but still, I think your claim that "Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie" is far-fetched, unsupported and really adds nothing to your essay. It neither shows anything about YOU (which is really what the AOs want to learn about) nor any specific knowledge about their school.

I am also very impressed with the wide range of bachelor's degree programs that VT offers. As I put "undecided" as my major, the many options will give me the opportunity to explore different courses and identify my strengths and interests. If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience. Therefore, I'd much rather embrace the unknown and discover and cultivate more of myself as an undergraduate.

Personally, I don't think that a "wide range of bachelor's degree programs" is a good reason. There are so many schools with hundreds of majors...how does this make VT unique? It doesn't. Again, though, this paragraph doesn't really say much about you. Also, many students go into college with a predicted/expected major...does that mean they will not have "a true college experience"? I don't think so...I don't really think you can make that claim and it seems rather farfetched again. It would be more interesting if you wrote about a few of your varying interests and how being so curios and wanting to "embrace the unknown" has made you unable to decide on one major.

While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet.

This part is a bit better as it actually tells something specific about yourself. However, it doesn't reflect what you've already done, but rather what you aspire to do. Have you participated in cadets from a young age? Perhaps tying that in would give this part more substance. Also, this line "I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. " is rather useless because the previous two sentences already imply that you will join VTCC and obviously, you will stay in that group if you wish to pursue that interest after graduating.

VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."

I don't think this is a very strong conclusion because what AOs want to see is that your traits/interests/skills, etc. will fit in well at the school; they already know their reputation/standing. What's more, referring to a school's "reputation" makes for a very shallow reason, because you're basically saying that OTHER people regard VT highly (this is what a "reputation" is)...and that is a main reason you want to attend.

Undergraduate / 'been on both sides of the fence' - Personal Statement [3]

jadore_lamode68

I'm not sure what you're writing this PS for, but to my knowledge, the purpose of most personal statements is to show your passion/interest in a specific subject. Correct me if I'm wrong. But if that is the case, then I would advise that you start right away with your interest in biology/medicine/science and then brush upon your other achievements afterwards.

Undergraduate / 'no boyfriend or a relationship until college' - Tufts #5 [7]

egpctim

As I was reflecting on this question while writing this essay , I think applying to colleges really helped me to understand.

Just to jump in, as I see someone else as pointed out this sentence, which upon rereading does seem awkward. I would actually suggest "As I reflected upon this question, a comparison to the college application process proved useful/showed me the answer/helped me understand." Something along the lines of that - shorter, less vague - I think, is much more powerful.

Undergraduate / 'no boyfriend or a relationship until college' - Tufts #5 [7]

Why did I do it? Maybe it was because I felt that it was the best opportunity I would ever get. - I don't think you have to repeat the prompt. You could just start with "Maybe it was because..." I also recommend saying "I felt like it was..." instead; it seems more natural that way.

But now, I don't regret it, and honestly, if I had to go through it again, I would go through it the same way. --- i think you mean "I would have done exactly the same thing" or "I would have asked her again in a heartbeat"...something along this lines, because the way you have it makes it sound like if you had the choice, you would like the exact same situation occur again (i.e. have you ask her and her say no).

The answer is simple: because it is their dream to attend that school, and at the time, she was my dream --- instead of "at the same time," I would suggest "and likewise" or "and similarly"..because this is what you actually mean, not "at the same time" (a colloquialism, really).

But one thing I know for sure is this: it is better to try and fail than to not try at all. -- this is a good conclusion to get out of what happened, but I just don't like how you used this cliched line...perhaps try to phrase it in your own words? This line has been said so many times and the fact that you use it just completely detracts from your essay. It seems you can't think for yourself and you have to resort to using a cliche (I'm sure this is not true, but it may come off this way, so it is best for you to come up with something original!)

I like the story; it's cute! Good luck (:

Undergraduate / ' New Schools, New Me' - Common App Essay #5 [8]

but I would also be enrolling in a public school in the city of Paterson which has a notorious reputation. --- here, I was expecting you to say "notorious reputation of/for being...". Just a suggestion because I'm not quite clear on what's so bad about Paterson atm (e.g. crime, murder, gangs).

The classes were very decorative and displayed a more liberal art. - the classes, or the classrooms? I don't see how you can describe a class (the actual course itself) to be "decorative" and I find the phrase "a more liberal art" a little awkward. Are you actually referring to physical art? (decor, paintings, etc.), or are you saying that the classes were taught in a more liberal manner? I think you should rephrase this sentence as it is quite unclear.

The teachers were male and female, not the nuns to which I was accustomed. -- personally, I find the first part of the phrase a tad awkward. I would prefer "There were teachers of both sexes...". The way you've put it makes it sound like the teachers themselves were both male and female at once...

I carried my old customs with me into my new school and left with a more mature view of the world and a desire to tackle the next stage in my adolescent life: High School. - don't capitalize high school.

High School was like changing schools all over again, but this time I was ready - I think it's more correct to say "Entering high school was like..."

Undergraduate / 'volunteering experience at the dental office' - Stanford - INTELLECTUAL VITALITY [4]

Of course! Say whatever you actually mean there. I just thought you meant biology because of the sentence that followed that one.

Undergraduate / 'volunteering experience at the dental office' - Stanford - INTELLECTUAL VITALITY [4]

I think you can take the "presentable environment" out then because it's not very clear and you already mentioned the appropriate clothing in the previous sentence while "acting properly" is kind of a given. I think you could just say "and assisting anyone who needed it," which would remove the awkwardness in using the "assisting" and "assistance" in the same phrase. Good luck.

Undergraduate / 'going to school fairs' - stanford supplement [4]

I think your idea is very unique, but I see what you mean when you say you think it's a bit empty. You describe what happened, but your passion does not shine through your essay. Perhaps you could describe a little about how the Rubik's cube fascinates you, WHY did it "trigger my curiosity"? You are also quite vague; I think if you went into more specifics, your essay would be much stronger. For example "It then happened one day that someone arrived with a cube..." Maybe you could say WHO..WHEN..."But then one Wednesday afternoon, Brendon, a sophmore, appeared at the door with a cube in hand" - just a suggestion...I hope you get what I mean though. So overall, good job, but just get into the specifics a little and your passion will show much better. Good luck.