What are the top five reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech?
The word limit is 250. I am at 231 right now.
"I fell in love with Va Tech the first time I visited. When I walked around the campus, I could feel the environment was magnetic. I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world. Also, the general atmosphere was of a close knit community. Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie. I am also very impressed with the wide range of bachelor's degree programs that VT offers. As I put "undecided" as my major, the many options will give me the opportunity to explore different courses and identify my strengths and interests. If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience. Therefore, I'd much rather embrace the unknown and discover and cultivate more of myself as an undergraduate. While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."
Can you critique my essay? Also, can you clearly see my five reasons why I want to attend Virginia Tech? Lasty, is my introduction boring? I feel like it is...
Hi :)
Your essay sounds good to me, although a bit ordinary. You asked about the intro-- it does sound kind of generic. You may want to re-word the beginning to give the paper more personality. Choose something specific about the campus that you liked best, and be descriptive.
I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world.
This is a run-on sentence, sounds like rambling a little, just split this long sentence into two clear, simple statements-- it would be easier to read that way.
If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience.
Not true, omit this sentence and use the space to write something else, emphasize how college will help your plan for life.
While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."
Excellent! THIS is the most important part of your essay, build on this idea, make it the focus of your paper. The college wants to hear about your long-term goals. Nice job with your paper, I hope my suggestions are of some help :)
"I fell in love with Va Tech the first time I visited. When I walked around the campus, I could feel the environment was magnetic. I immediately noticed the abundance of cultural diversity, which I value because interacting with different kinds of people enriches my understanding of the world.
I would have to agree with you- this introduction is rather boring. But more importantly, it's not a very good reason...that you are somehow just attracted to "the environment" and "the abundance of cultural diversity." It's just too vague and doesn't convey the passion you are probably hoping for. I would elaborate - what things did you notice SPECIFICALLY? I would also phrase it more like this: "The first time I visited Virginia Tech, I was immediately drawn to _____________, ______________ (examples of what you were drawn to) - I value this cultural diversity as I believe it will enrich my understanding of the world." Something like that, but perhaps change "understanding of the world" as well..it is too vague. Even if you are undecided, you must have interests, let this essay reflect those interests.
Also, the general atmosphere was of a close knit community. Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie.
What "general atmosphere"? You could just say "Witnessing a close knit community of students, I sensed a pervasive happiness and pride in being Hokies." That's just a suggestion, but still, I think your claim that "Everyone was so happy and proud to be a Hokie" is far-fetched, unsupported and really adds nothing to your essay. It neither shows anything about YOU (which is really what the AOs want to learn about) nor any specific knowledge about their school.
I am also very impressed with the wide range of bachelor's degree programs that VT offers. As I put "undecided" as my major, the many options will give me the opportunity to explore different courses and identify my strengths and interests. If I walk onto campus with a specific preconception of what I'm supposed to do, I'll only be selling myself short of a true college experience. Therefore, I'd much rather embrace the unknown and discover and cultivate more of myself as an undergraduate.
Personally, I don't think that a "wide range of bachelor's degree programs" is a good reason. There are so many schools with hundreds of majors...how does this make VT unique? It doesn't. Again, though, this paragraph doesn't really say much about you. Also, many students go into college with a predicted/expected major...does that mean they will not have "a true college experience"? I don't think so...I don't really think you can make that claim and it seems rather farfetched again. It would be more interesting if you wrote about a few of your varying interests and how being so curios and wanting to "embrace the unknown" has made you unable to decide on one major.
While I am undecided about my major, I have decided that I want to be a military officer when I graduate from college. With this motivation, I see the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets as a gateway to my future. I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet.
This part is a bit better as it actually tells something specific about yourself. However, it doesn't reflect what you've already done, but rather what you aspire to do. Have you participated in cadets from a young age? Perhaps tying that in would give this part more substance. Also, this line "I want to be part of VTCC and go through all four years at VT as a Cadet. " is rather useless because the previous two sentences already imply that you will join VTCC and obviously, you will stay in that group if you wish to pursue that interest after graduating.
VT's reputation stands above any other school I am considering, which is why becoming a Hokie is my first choice."
I don't think this is a very strong conclusion because what AOs want to see is that your traits/interests/skills, etc. will fit in well at the school; they already know their reputation/standing. What's more, referring to a school's "reputation" makes for a very shallow reason, because you're basically saying that OTHER people regard VT highly (this is what a "reputation" is)...and that is a main reason you want to attend.
Thanks for the feedback! I know I don't go into deatils that much but I am limited to only 250 words! The word limit frustuates me so much. I feel like I'm locked in a cage of some sorts...
Dear Peter Park
I just want to mention that it is better to avoid contraction in academic and formal writing.
Also it is better to avoid abbreviation.
Good luck
