Posts by militia

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / A Jill of all trades - Stanford Supplement - Roommate Essay [5]

Ok I will most definitely take those suggestions into consideration! Thank you :D
I just checked right now and spaces are counted T-T
sure I'll take a look :)

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Public School / IB Diploma' - Intellectual vitality + what matters to you [6]

"I had, both, waited for this day and dreaded it." I think the commas here are unnecessary.

"Through OCS I established my religious foundation; I experienced and immersed myself in my religion, Islam." You can make it more concise since you're over the limit by instead saying "Through OCS I experienced and immersed myself in my religion, Islam."

"It was a bittersweet feeling to be leaving." You can say "Leaving gave me a bittersweet feeling."

"different culture, different religion, different name" you can say "different culture, religion, name" so it still has that tone of this list of differences that never ends

"opening presents Christmas morning, like everybody else, slowly became normal customs for us." I think it should be "slowly became a normal custom for us."

Besides these suggestions, I liked your essay and thought it said a lot about you and how culture and just accepting who you without shame are very important to you. It was good that you showed the long way you came.

As for the second essay, I didn't think it was as bad as you thought. You chose a good experience to talk about and showed its impact on your intellectual development.

Although TOK may not be an easy A, the way I interpret my beliefs, and so many other things in my life, will never be the same.

I don't think you need the last two commas

I feel these articles force me to question what I have been taught as child as I am now-
as A child SINCE I HAVE BEEN - and will be in college - etc.

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Going out for a Chinese takeout' - Stanford Essay: Letter to Roommate [8]

"Depend on always seeing a book or two on my bedside table, especially considering how I haven't had much time for leisure reading for the past couple years."

It's just a minor suggestion, but "for" may be a little repetitive so you can say if you want "I haven't had much time for leisure reading these past couple years."

"but thats where we'll have the most fun" It should be "that's"

"one day I'll attending a lecture on logic and another I'll be taking you out to try exotic Turkish food." You forgot the "be" before "attending"

"and late night study sessions," I think it should be "late-night"

I like your revision and I think you would be a fun roommate :)

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / A Jill of all trades - Stanford Supplement - Roommate Essay [5]

sure! thank you for the commentary! :D

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / I live in a box; Carnegie Mellon - Why CMU? [7]

Wow. Your essay seems pretty perfect to me. I think you will definitely get in seeing as you are very well informed and ambitious. I'm sure they will love that. I really liked how you described yourself as living in a box. I thought it was pretty funny; I never thought of it that way. Anyway, very well written. I'm surprised it's only a super rough draft. You'll probably catch this small error upon further review, but in case you don't: The ECE program offers yet another way for my (ME not my) to combine two of my interests by applying computer science to electricity, something that the modern world has become extremely dependent upon.

If you have time, please read my Stanford essay :D

militia

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / A Jill of all trades - Stanford Supplement - Roommate Essay [5]

This is my response to Stanford's second prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. 2000 Characters available, at least 250 words.

Please give me some feedback! Anything I can change to improve it? I'm a little over the limit with characters. I have 2,939 (with spaces). Also, for any writing responses with character limits, are spaces always counted? Thanks so much!

Dear Roomie,

I'm looking forward to meeting you! I have two brothers back home but always had my own room because I'm the only girl. Making this our little home should be fun though! However, I suppose you want to know a thing or two about this stranger you'll be living with, just to tranquilize some typical freshman anxieties.

First things first, my name is Melissa Jue and you can rest assured that I'm not a rapist or killer or any of those characters on Criminal Minds. Therefore, there's no need for background checks, even if you do catch me watching movies like "The Crazies" or chuckling quietly on the computer in the middle of the night- I'll probably just be on YouTube or engaged in some novel. In all honesty, I'm less of a maniac and more of a Mellow Melly, except in those times when I boil over with the energy of a child on a sugar rush at an amusement park with balloon bouquets everywhere. If you love to socialize and have insightful or even pointless conversations at ungodly hours, then my outgoing, owl nature will benefit us both. However, if garrulous vampires annoy you, then you don't need to panic either because I'll usually be studying or doing homework. I've always been a bookworm that unfortunately can only feed independently in silence. That may be our only problem.

Otherwise, nearly everyone likes music and music will always be my soul mate. On top of that, I'm eclectic so I'm sure we'll agree on at least one genre. If you fancy karaoke, let's do a duet. Want to relax to soothing piano compositions? I'll make the keyboard sing. Have you ever wanted a portrait of yourself? I can be your artist, although I can't guarantee an absolute likeness. But if there's anything I'm up for at any time, it's adventure. Whenever you want to explore, I'm your Dora, only I don't fluently speak Spanish or talk to inanimate objects-in front of people, anyway.

I may also be one of the weirder nerds you'll have met in your lifetime. I've been lugging around a turtle shell housing papers and books since elementary and thus carry it now as if it weighed a measly two pounds. But don't let that intimidate you. In addition, I've more allergies than most people and I'm a failure at video games. At the same time, I headbang to some death metal, am a cross country runner, and love outdoor activities.

Thus, there's no need to worry, friend. We're bound to stand on some common ground. I don't play Judge Judy and I can be your Doctor Phil-lis. If you have a situation, I'll help you out and it'd be wonderful if you'd do the same for me. I hope you're as excited as I am. See you soon!

P.S. If I look dead one morning in the chair with mouth open wide and white, zombie eyes, relax. That's just how I sleep. You may also have the urge to dial 911 because your roommate is having an asthma attack. Calm down, I'm not. I'm just laughing, extending rather than shortening my life.