Posts by zekyi

zekyi

Jan 14, 2012

Undergraduate / 'where all the fun comes to die' - Why Bryn Mawr? [5]

If you have not already submitted this I think you should cut out a few unnecessary phrases in your writing.
Like: was somewhat afraid by a senior's admonition before deciding upon applying to America. "Americans can say hello to you even without knowing who you are", she told me, "Relationship here is really shallow". However, I rest assured, for I believe that isn't true at Bryn Mawr. The Bryn Mawr I know is exclusively a place for those who wish to understand human beings with depths. I don't think this bit is necessarily needed.

I hope this helps. Other than that, your writing is great!

zekyi

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'a Mexican in Egypt and New York City' - Roomates? BU Supplement! [6]

A really well written essay. good job.
I think theres just one problem.

You wrote: Since I landed, I have been eagerly adapting to my surroundings and embracing the different races that surround me.

I don't think the "I landed" bit is needed since its leaves the reader a little confused as you never refer to flying in the first place. I know its implied since you are going from Egypt to America but still. I think you should just say, Since then, ...

I hope this was helpful.

Thanks for correcting mine..=)

zekyi

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Travel to intrigue' - Himalayas and the city of Kathmandu - Notre Dame [6]

@cleopatra: i guess my ending still needs more work. or my whole essay for the matter. thanks for reading.

zekyi

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Travel to intrigue' - Himalayas and the city of Kathmandu - Notre Dame [6]

@zaman: thank you for reading.=) but i thought the point was to just write on anything. or does it have to be about something risky I have done?

zekyi

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Travel to intrigue' - Himalayas and the city of Kathmandu - Notre Dame [6]

Please correct and critique

You have 150 words. Take a risk.

Let me take you across the Pacific and intrigue you. I will make you trek across the Himalayas and into the city of Kathmandu, my home. I will lead you to my rooftop, where you will see the ends the valley and the peeking mountains. We will then travel the countryside in a night bus, racing the cows and the street dogs. A flight, a train, and a bus and you will reach my school, located in a remote town in India where the backdrop is the ice-glazed mountain. You will walk up the jagged steep path with me, from my dorm to my school; do not be surprised if we come across a monkey or two. I will serve you pizzas mixed with Indian spices and hot masala chai whilst the trees sway in the cool evening breeze and the drone of the Muslim prayer chants engulf the hills.