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Posts by apv
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Last Post: Jan 28, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 7  

From: Mexico

Displayed posts: 10
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apv   
Jan 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'in one fateful day, my life changed forever' - Penn State UPark statement [5]

I didnt put anything related to my major, it is just a story about me, but if you think I should relate it to my major (Biochemistry and Mollecular Biology) then tell me please!. I would appreciate any help! (P.S: I'm an international student)

Prompt and essay:


Personal Statement (Optional)
Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records. We suggest a limit of 500 words or fewer.


Ten year ago, in one fateful day, my life changed forever. It was curiously a "retirement" day, as I attended a catholic school back in the day. As part of this important day, we visited a church in our community. I had no idea of what was about to happen to me that same day.

A car hit me that day. I was just a 7 year old boy, and this terrible accident had devastating effects on me because of my small size. I remember waking up that day at the emergency room, with my right leg completely destroyed and my nose shattered into pieces, doctors feared that could lose my leg.

I questioned my faith that day at the emergency room, I thought to myself if there was really a god up there looking for all of us. It happened that same day of the retirement, this made me question if this tragic event was god's wrath unleashing on me because I did something wrong or if it was just some kind of test.

I recovered from this horrible accident with the help of my friends and family, I was able to use my leg again and my nose was as good as new. During this process I realized that there is no spirit looking for us, neither is god or some kind of omnipotent being behind us at all times, I learnt that this so called spirit that pushes us to the limit and creates a desire of overcoming our disgraces is nothing more than our family and friends. If it wasn't for my family and my friends, I wouldn't had the strength to continue, to go on, to find that energy inside me to defeat this excruciating pain. Sometimes you need someone beside you, like in my case my brothers, my mother and my father to tell you that they are beside you at all times, someone that cries when you cry and feels pain when they look at you suffering because of the operations and treatments.

After this accident, I became a new and a better person. I understood that our guardian spirit is always with us, and it was not god or a mysterious spirit, it was my family and my friends. That very day I learned how to appreciate life, my amorous family and wonderful friends. I came to the conclusion that it was all a test, a test where I needed to understand how I should appreciate my life and how I should fight and persevere in order to overcome any obstacle in my way. And I still believe to this day that, with my family and my friends I can overcome any fear and achieve anything if I determine myself to do it.
apv   
Jan 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / knowledge; 'It's not true that young people enjoy more than older' - TOEFL [4]

My reccomendation, In order to improve any new essay you make, is to look for which words you keep repiting. In this case, you keep repeating "people", you can try to avoud it or replace it. You also need to look for this kind of mistakes: so much than the youngers. In this case, you need to specify who are you talking about in this line, it would be something like so much than the younger ones , here you could also use "as ---- as", so you can put: the older people dont have to work as much as the younger people.

By using this previous tips, you can be more specific so the reader can understand what you mean. The key to get a high writing score in the TOEFL is to explain as good as you can explain you opinion. Be specific, and you should do fine in the exam.

I know how the TOEFL works, since I dont speak english natively as well. I got a 27 of 30 points in the iBT in writing, and I followed this same tips so you should do better if you follow these tips.

Hope it helped!
apv   
Jan 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Ryerson University - Radio and Television Arts research-based essay [2]

I would use the option e). It seems a good one, you have a big array of shows to pick from. One good example of one show in the pre-80's is the Flinstones. I know that it is a cartoon, but it is also the second longest ran show of all time, and it was the first one to actually show to both kids and adults the relationship of a married couple. It was also a show for all family, something valuable back in the day.

Another one that comes to my mind is M*A*S*H*, I havent really seen a lot of its episodes but I have heard that it talks about topics that other shows wouldnt have talked about at that time, like the military and a lot of family issues, and it is also one of the most seen tv shows of all time (the final episode being the most seen finale of all tv shows in history)

And I think that, with Internet age, they mean the age that we are in right now, where the Internet is used for everything and where it is one of the most used media for news, entertainment, etc.

Sorry, but I am not american so I am not familiarized with the classic shows of the pre-80's.

Hope it helped!
apv   
Jan 11, 2012
Undergraduate / (Mexico travel / Unconventional friendship / Florence / Rainbow) - Georgia! [5]

These are the four short essays, each one with its respective prompt, I would like you to help me with the mispellings, grammar mistakes, or simply by telling me what would you change to make them look better. I will check your essays if you help me, thank you!

Essay A

Choose an intellectual or creative opportunity (for example, community involvement, a summer program, a unique project, travel abroad, etc.) from your high school years that you have enjoyed and highlight how you have grown personally because of the experience. (200 Word Limit)


Last summer (2011), I had the opportunity of travelling all the way from my home city in Mexico to Europe for a period of 20 days, and with the only company of my 20 year old brother. It was exhilarating for us; we traveled to all kinds of different places: Seville, Madrid, Barcelona, Rome, Venice, Paris, Amsterdam and Florence, among others. From visiting the marvelous Louvre Museum in Paris to ride on a gondola in the beautiful canals of Venice in Italy; It was such a life changing experience, we did not only learn how to transport ourselves and how to take care of us in an independent way - as we were by ourselves the whole journey -, we also learnt how to take care from each other. We dint only learnt how to be more independent, we also got the opportunity to appreciate all types of art, architecture, people, and even nature; It was just extraordinary for us, it was like a whole new world to our eyes. We had the chance to appreciate and to understand the contemporary situations that people from the "old continent" wanted to express thought their art and sculptures; going from "La Gioconda" by Leonardo da Vinci, to the magnificent David by Michelangelo Buonarroti. The journey might be over, but the experience and knowledge acquired will stay with me and my brother forever.

Essay B

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."

Anais Nin


From freshman year to now, we know that you have interacted with a number of people in your high school who are different from you and have affected who you are now. Tell us about one such relationship with a close friend, with a focus on the details of your interaction, not the person.


Not everyone has the chance of having a friend who you can talk to about anything. And I am lucky enough to have one, and I have known him for nearly 6 years now. It is something of an unconventional friendship, as we live in the same neighborhood, just 5 houses of distance his house from mine, as well as has the same age as me. This situation made us really close; we are able to talk about family, school, and even girls. This kind of relationship made us evolve as individuals; it gives us a sincere different point of view on the situations that we go through, and even though we are do not study in the same high school, we share friends, and, at some point, his family considers me as one more member it, as well as mine considers him a member too. This kind of friendships transcends boundaries, and makes us share our feelings and thoughts, something that is valuable for oneself to prosper in mind and soul. Because, if something I learned in life is that friends are the family that you choose.

Essay C

Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself that you have not already shared in your application. (200 Word Limit)


It was a sunny day in Florence, Italy. My big brother and I had just arrived to the city's train station, and we didn't have a clue of how to get to our hostel - as we were on our own -. So, we waited for a bus to come so we could find our way to the hostel, when suddenly this mysterious old man starts talking to us in Spanish - our native language- and offers his guidance to our hostel, he claimed to know the whole city like the palm of his hand, and all for a suspiciously small price. But, why trust this man? He seemed like a nice person, but we couldn't trust strangers. So a couple came soon after the man finished talking to us, and that gave us some time to think straight, and finally decided to sneak our way to the nearest bus and forget the man's indecorous proposal. We managed to get to the hostel, and what was our surprise when we were told at the hostel that there was a mysterious old man around the train station that stole things from unwise foreigners. We learned a lesson that day: Think straight before acting.

Essay D

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent."
Victor Hugo


If someone were to look at your music collection right now, they would probably know a great deal about who you are. Individuals are drawn to music, and each song conveys something about that person. Select a musical piece to be your theme song. Tell us what it would be, and more specifically, why it represents who you are. (200 Word Limit)

I would choose Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". This would be my theme song because, in my opinion, it represents my desire of finding that place for me where I can help the world to be a better place, that place over the rainbow where I can do in life what fills me with joy and happiness, in my case: curing people and saving lives as a Doctor. It makes me wonder if I can reach that place for me over the rainbow, that unique place where I can do what I love the most and live peacefully, Somewhere Over the Rainbow represents me because I am this particular type of person that only wants to feel loved, happy, and most of all, complete in mind and soul.
apv   
Jan 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / Overpopulation - causes and solutions [5]

I would change the beggining from: After about two centuries, human population has increased like never before

to: In the previous two years, the human population has suffered a never seen before increase on its number.

Here: strict penalties on having more two children

There you missed a word, it would be like this: strict penalties on having more than two children

Here: as the wars happen much less compared to the past

I would use: as fewer wars take place in comparison to the past

Here: One possibility is to have up to two children per couple and governments can help by implementing strict penalties on having more two children

I would use: One possibility is to permit the families to be able to have up to two children, and implement strict penalties from the goverment over the families that fail to meet the expectations.

These are just thoughts, I think these corrections would make your essay look more "elaborated", like if it was a legal paper.

Hope it helped!
apv   
Jan 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL_There is something that an uneducated person can teach an educated person. [5]

I wouldnt limit myself of I were you, for example in:

can teach the others even educated person in two main areas

In the precious case I would say: can teach to an educated person in different situations. In this way, you dont seem like you just think that there ar ejust TWO ways of doing this.

Here: For one thing, there are some people how are not educated, however have a wild range of knowledge. These kind of people experience a large number of stuffs during their life,

I would change it like this: For instance, there is some people that may not be as educated as some other people, but they hold a wide range of knowledge instead; (HERE SPECIFY WHY YOU THINK THAT) These kind of people hold these vast quantity of knoledge because of (I WOULD PUT) the different lifestyle that they have to undertake because of the lower income that they might have (OR MAYBE) because of the different situations they have to go through given to their uneducation.. .

I would re-do the essay. You have to think of the essay as if you were writing for the king of england. Write it with very specific and technical words, and try to explain your position on the topic as good as you can.

I am not a native english speaker either, but I know how it works. I did TOEFL iBTand got 96 of 120 (Could have been better though), and I got a 27 of 30 in writing.

Hope it helps!
apv   
Jan 6, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Useful for society and for my family' - Purdue University! [2]

Hello! Please help me to correct any misspelling or grammar mistakes in my Purdue University essay, I would really thankful if you could dedicate some of your valuable time into it, as the essay is nearly 1000 words long. Also, I would be grateful if you could tell me if you have any ideas of which title can I give to my "autobiography". And also if you have any suggestions to make it better, any kind of criticism is welcome! Thanks to everyone!

Prompt: Envision yourself near the end of a fulfilling, lifelong career and you just published your autobiography. Share the title and introduction.

Essay:

I remember when I was just a small boy. My family, at that time, was just like any other: Upper Middle Class, Mom and Dad, Three Children, a beautiful home in a friendly neighborhood; it was all happiness.

We lived in San Francisco de Campeche, A small city located in the southeast of Mexico, full of vibrating people and a vast diverse culture; The perfect environment for a kid to grow in.

I will tell you that, at that time, it was all fun and friends for me, like the other kids. But I started to show some different behavior. I loved to appreciate small things, such as bugs or plants, and most of all, animals; but, if there is something that still brings sparkles to my eyes, that would be my father, whom at the time owned five different movie stores, always sitting with me to watch a variety of films.

From action to drama, and adventure to science fiction, I remembered how I was always fascinated by those amazing stories, how varied and different could the world be, and how I wanted to visit all those different places, so I could maybe be a cowboy, or maybe an astronaut, and why not be Luke Skywalker from the Star Wars film. This is what gave birth to one of my all life passions, my passion for the cinema, something that is still with me nowadays.

As my life progressed, my bygone childhood was only the proving ground for my passions to be developed in. I dedicated my free time to cinema along with my father, and also to watch documentaries and programs on the television and read magazines about all different kinds of animals and plants. This encouraged me to learn more about them both, at the point of filming my own movies and doing field research for rare specimens of plants and animals.

But something tragic happened when I was only 7 years old, something that would change my life forever, and for good: I got hit by a car. It caused serious damage to my then small boy's body. In the accident, my two right leg bones (tibia and fibula) were broken in two, and my nasal bone was wholly destroyed. This made me feel closer than ever to death, but thankfully, the doctors were able to fix all of the damage that the accident caused. I gained a new attitude towards life, and I got this whole new idea of how beautiful it is, and, unfortunately, we can only understand this when we are on the edge of death. I also acquired a life-long admiration for doctors and medicine in general. All of the different tools and diagnoses that doctors can conclude based on what they knew about my condition, it made me want to be such a valuable and helpful individual like them, someone that saves lives, important for society and respected by everyone.

After that previous tragic event of my childhood, my teenage years finally arrived, and my years as a kid were just memories. My passion for cinema grew even more inside of me, and I developed different hobbies as well. I remember that, in my free time, I used to sell different stuff to the other boys in the school, something that I also did when I was a kid, but not so avidly. Arranging from bugs to candy, from old toys to sports cards; This bartering facet of myself was only one of the abilities that I gain with time, and I did it not for money, I did it mainly because of that strange rewarding feeling that you get when you do something that helps other people, and at the same time makes you an important man in society.

Experiences came and went, but they all served for a higher purpose: Construct me as an individual and as a useful an important person in the society and for my family. At this point of my life, during my high school years, it all came together. I acquired a love for chemistry, thanks to my chemistry professor, who led me into this world that combined one of my old passions, plants and animals, and my love for chemistry to create a new one, my acquired devotion to Biochemistry; it amazed how life was formed in so many different fascinating ways.

I still remember the time I enrolled as a college student like if it had just happened yesterday. I had worked so hard at high school at that time, as I wanted to be a doctor, a profession that grew in my after that tragic accident that marked me forever. I wanted to enroll in a university outside of my beloved home country, Mexico. And I wanted to do it for the sake of my future and I had to make some sacrifices in order to pursue a career in medicine, and I could not be more proud of myself for doing so.

After months of looking and selecting universities, I finally decided for Purdue University. I chose it from among all the universities because of several reasons: The beautiful city where it is was located, the opportunities that it offered for International students like myself, and because I could achieve my life-long dream of being a doctor, I could have unlimited access to a rich base of knowledge and facilities for me to learn more and be prepared for the challenges that medicine itself comes with.

And so I did. I finally went onto Purdue, to pursue a major in Chemistry -Biochemistry, to then join a School of Medicine. And here I am now; Because of my work and commitment with my career, I achieved not only success in my hometown and internationally, I also gained respect, importance in society, and the affection of the people that I met throughout my life as a doctor. If I could go back in time, I wouldn't change one single thing.
apv   
Jan 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Schools are not the only places to receive true education. [4]

I just gave some advice about the same thing, so Ill give the same to you.

If you really want to know, I got a 27 out of 30 on my TOEFL iBT (It was not a 30 because I didnt had enough time to correct a couple of spelling errors), so this is what I did:

First of all, dont count how many paragraphs you use, it is better to know what will you put inside of these paragraphs. My technique was to put an introduction first, here you introduce your position on the subject, and what you are going to talk about on the next paragraphs. In the middle paragraphs, you put the pros and cons of each thing, and why would you consider it positive or negative, depending of what position you have on the subject, and finally, in the conclusion, you will resume all of the previous ideas so you can clearly present why you chose that position in this subject.

Second, try to use the most varied and specific words you may find. Instead of using "get" use "acquire", use "vast" instead of "large" and so on.

It is also helpful to think about how you are structuring your essay before writing it. Do so when you take the test, and after you are done writing it, re-read it for mistakes, and if you can for replacing the simple words and repeated words for more specific and varied words, like I suggested before. I am not sure, but I think I wrote about 4 paragraphs, so mainly, in order for you to write more, you need to administrate your time properly, otherwise you will run out if time, and that happens really often.

These are all the suggestions ive got, good luck on your test!
apv   
Jan 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay "building shoping centers in my neighborhood" [3]

If you really want to know, I got a 27 out of 30 on my TOEFL iBT (It was not a 30 because I didnt had enough time to correct a couple of spelling errors), so this is what I did:

First of all, dont count how many paragraphs you use, it is better to know what will you put inside of these paragraphs. My technique was to put an introduction first, here you introduce your position on the subject, and what you are going to talk about on the next paragraphs. In the middle paragraphs, you put the pros and cons of each thing, and why would you consider it positive or negative, depending of what position you have on the subject, and finally, in the conclusion, you will resume all of the previous ideas so you can clearly present why you chose that position in this subject.

Second, try to use the most varied and specific words you may find. Instead of using "get" use "acquire", use "vast" instead of "large" and so on.

It is also helpful to think about how you are structuring your essay before writing it. Do so when you take the test, and after you are done writing it, re-read it for mistakes, and if you can for replacing the simple words and repeated words for more specific and varied words, like I suggested before. I am not sure, but I think I wrote about 4 paragraphs, so mainly, in order for you to write more, you need to administrate your time properly, otherwise you will run out if time, and that happens really often.

These are all the suggestions ive got, good luck on your test!
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