Undergraduate / 'Optimus Prime Inspiration' - Common App Prompt #4 [3]

For the CommonApp I did prompt #4 over Optimus Prime. If you could read over it for grammatical mistakes and tell me what you think I could improve that would be great. I will return the favor.

The current word count is 496 (507 including the title)

A Robot Who Beats Up Bad Robots: A Story of Inspiration
Is this really happening? Did Jane Smith just ask me out? The most beautiful girl in the entire school was inviting me, Damian Palmer, to have diner and a movie at her house. Skipping practice isn't something I'd usually do, but who could pass up this opportunity of a lifetime? "So Friday it is," I replied.

After an awkward hour of being stared down by Jane's terrifyingly muscular father as I silently ate his "wonderful" meatloaf, we headed to the couch to watch Transformers, my favorite movie. My affinity for the series' main character, Optimus Prime, began at the age of five. This youthful idolization of Optimus derived from the common male attraction toward fantastic action-packed scenarios. Simply put, I was captivated by the idea of a talking car beating up bad talking cars. Contrary to the natural tendency to outgrow this stage, my love and appreciation for Optimus has increased with age and maturity and has turned into something more, a source of inspiration.

In my eyes, Optimus Prime represents more than amazing visual effects and a vehicle I'd die to own; for me, Optimus is a symbol of staying true to yourself and what you believe in. In Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Optimus' arch-enemy Megatron and Sentinel Prime, an old ally, teamed up together to enslave the human race to ensure the survival of their species. Optimus admirably risked his life to prevent this. He believed that, "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." and fought to protect it. This unselfishness has resonated in my life.

My sophomore year I was faced with the dilemma of how to respond to a severe case of bullying at my school. The victim was a girl who I later became friends with. The tormentors included the majority of the student body, some of which were my friends. I knew that if I objected to this act like my heart told me to that I might become an outcast. However, after asking myself, 'What would Optimus do?' I stood up to the bullies. Thankfully they had resolved to stop and I was able to keep my friends. Staying true to myself had paid off. Now only if I would have done that from the start I could have avoided an uncomfortable date.

I have found a role model in an unlikely place, a Michael Bay film. I admit- that it may be absurd to find motivation for constant conviction in a fictional robot over such candidates like Rosa Parks or Gandhi. However, the combination of Optimus' impeccable character and overall awesomeness make the decision a little less ridiculous. Without this reinforcement in motivation to stay true to myself, I would have missed out on what life had in store for me. In my opinion, the true reward in life comes from the ability to be yourself in a world that's always changing; to me, nothing has helped me live a rewarding life better than Optimus Prime.

Undergraduate / 'Surfing and water' - Common App: Extracurricular Essay [5]

Hey guys here is my Extracurricular essay for the Common App. I need your opinions and a grammatical review. I'm at exactly 1000 characters so no additions unless if its for grammatical changes.

Intoxicated by the thick chlorine that filled the air, I sat silently on the foam ledge. Looking into the large crowd, I was surrounded only by my thoughts. I was on the verge of losing consciousness when, I asked myself: "Why am I doing this?" It was the 2011 National Flow Tour Championships, the biggest stage of the sport. Even if I were to become the champion who would care other than my close friends and followers of the sport? People will still look at me like I'm from another planet when I tell them I surf in Missouri. Even the harshest critics would still consider my passion a joke. Despite all of the opposition I had found it inside myself to continue. I surf for my own enjoyment, not for other people's opinions. Nothing can replace the wonderful feeling of gliding along the water and the idea of living life in the present. One day, when Flowboarding is just as popular as football, I will be able to look into the camera and tell my mother that I love her. This is why I surf.

Be brutally honest.
I'm attempting to advocate some positive character that have come from surfing/flowboarding. IE. Passion, Will, Determination, Creativity...

Thanks in advance.