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'The President of the Hip-Hop Club' - CommonApp Extracurricular - Newspaper


birdcages 2 / 11  
Jan 1, 2012   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum):

The President of the Hip-Hop Club, a tall teenager, shuts off the speakers, and I shake his hand. "Thanks for interviewing with me," I say. "Can you tell me a little about your club?"

The boy grins. "A lot of people just see us as kids making too much noise, and that's what hip-hop started out as: folks who didn't have money but made sure they were heard. It's important that message and culture are spread, so we appreciate the publicity."

"It's my pleasure," I laugh, scribbling down the quote. I've been the editor of my school's newspaper for two years, and this is why I'm absolutely in love with it.

Every editorial and feature story that we publish is a way for students to put up messages that they think should be seen. Society changes and the world is kept human by people who make themselves heard, and I hadn't understood their need for a platform to do so until I joined The Patriot. That realization is what gave way to my passion for art and my desire to communicate through it.

Too abstract? I had another draft where I talked about my duties & the time I spent on the newspaper, but it felt really dry and just like I was listing facts that they could see on my extracurricular activities list anyway, so I tried a different approach.

Thanks in advance!
nkprasad12 5 / 18  
Jan 1, 2012   #2
Hmm... The beginning is confusing since you spend your introduction talking about Hip hop. Also, I would reconsider your opening. It's a little awkward because of clauses you cram into one sentence. Overall, you should talk more about your personal experience doing newspaper and, like you said, less abstract stuff. You only spend one sentence about how you feel when doing newspaper.

I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my essays.
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Jan 1, 2012   #3
Brenda

I think you approach is novel, but you need to refine it a little better, cut down on some unnecessary parts, cause you should portray how joining the Patriot affected YOU, what did YOU learn from it and how it the Patriot impact YOUR life or how you viewed things. It was well-written, so just incorporate more of you and you'll be okay.

Hope this helps & if you wouldn't mind could you take a look at my own extracurricular activity, water polo essay. Thanks!
luvicemocha 2 / 20  
Jan 1, 2012   #4
I like it. I think it is very original and in my opinion it gave an insight to who you are. There are going to be many essays when people talk about their dedication to something, this is very creative.

this is the only sentence I think needs work.

Society changes and the world is kept human by people who make themselves heard, and I hadn't understood their need for a platform to do so until I joined The Patriot.

I'm not sure what you should do maybe just flip flop what you wrote? but other than that I think its great!!

could you please read mine? It's called princeton and Alice and wonderland thanks
calvinwang 3 / 32  
Jan 1, 2012   #5
The President of the Hip-Hop Club, a tall teenager, shuts off the speakers and shook my hand

Society changes but humanity is kept intact by people who make themselves heard.This is what I've learned from joining The Patriots. (the football team?)

Overall, i think the topic is good but watch out for awkward sentences and wordyness. Im assuming the patriots is the newspaper but theres no need to introduce a new name in the second to last sentence. Also from this essay I thought you'd be interested in becoming a reporter and not arts. why did you decide to become an artist? just try to clearify somethings and it will be good

best of luck!
also check out my stony brook essay plz. thx!
OP birdcages 2 / 11  
Jan 1, 2012   #6
Thanks for all the help! Finished helping the first three posters w/ their essays & getting to work on yours now, Calvin!

Version 2: (It's about 30 chars over limit - this character limit is going to be the death of me. Anyway, comments/suggestions?)

The tall teenager shuts off the speakers and shakes my hand. "Thanks for interviewing with me," I say. "Can you tell me a little about The Hip-Hop Club?"

The boy grins. "Sure- we make noise. That's what hip-hop started out as: folks who didn't have money but made sure they were heard. It's important that message and culture are spread, so we appreciate the publicity."

"It's my pleasure," I laugh, scribbling down the quote. I've been the editor of my school's newspaper for two years, and this is why I'm absolutely in love with it.

Every editorial and feature story that we publish is a way for students to put up messages that they think should be seen. Society changes and humanity is kept intact by people who make themselves heard, and I hadn't understood their need for a platform to do so until I joined the newspaper. It was then, leafing through a stack of articles, that I knew I wanted a way to spread my own messages; that realization is what gave way to my passion for art and my desire to communicate through it.
Alicegz 2 / 25  
Jan 1, 2012   #7
My favorite was definitely the last paragraph. I wish you could talk more about yourself and shorten the introduction about hip-hop.

The tall teenager shuts off the speakers and shakes my hand. "Thanks for interviewing with me," I say. "Can you tell me a little about Theabout your Hip-Hop Club?"

The boyHe grins. "Sure- we make noise. Take away the space in front of "we" That's what hip-hop started out as: folks who didn't have moneywere poor but made sure they were heard. It's important to spread that message and culture are spread , so we appreciate the publicity."

"It's my pleasure," I laugh, scribblingjotting down the quote. I've been the editor of my school's newspaper for two years, and this is why I'm absolutely in love with it.

Every editorial and feature story that we publish is a way for students to put up messages that they think should be seen. Society changes and humanity is kept intact by people who make themselves heard, and I hadn't understood their need for a platform to do so until I joined the newspaper. It was then, leafing through a stack of articles, that I knew I wanted a way to spread my own messages; that realization is what gave way to my passion for art and my desire to communicate through it.

I like the way you approached this prompt and I really hope I helped you cut down some characters!
It would be great if you could check out my common app essay as well:)
OP birdcages 2 / 11  
Jan 1, 2012   #8
Yue - Omg, 997 characters, haha. Thank you so much! Ah, I wanted to keep the boy's response about the hip-hop club because I feel like it kind of ties in with my message? They're spreading their message, the importance & significance of urban culture, and even though it's through song and dance, things that are commonly seen as the opposite of the normal form of communication (text), it's just as strong, and I think that's true about art, too. CLEARLY, I DO NOT HAVE THE SPACE TO PUT ALL OF THIS LOL.

Reading yours over now :)
TGIDP 2 / 3  
Jan 1, 2012   #9
It's a good essay. However, I think that you should cut down on the intro and highlight some positive character traits that has stemmed from your EC. You want to use every bit of the Common App to sell yourself.

I liked the word choice. You can definitely tell you are a journalist.

If you could return the favor check out my Extracurricular Essay on surfing that would be great.

Good luck with your admissions.


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