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Posts by asdf7878
Joined: Dec 31, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 6  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 7
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asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'to refine my computer science skill' - Cornell arts and sciences- comp sci major [3]

This is a great essay! Here are just a few suggestions:

-in the first paragraph, you kind of awkwardly change tenses
-memorized -> mesmerized
-i knew, upon entering high school, ...
-Programming problems were like solving a puzzle and required true intuition; there were no formulas I could just plug information into and get the answer.

-...code flowed seamlesslly

Could you help me with my Rice essay as well? :)
asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / The African American girl with a Spanish name who's in French Honor Society [6]

I love this note! It makes me want to be your roommate, especially the ending! (I love food too ><)
Here are a few suggestions that might possibly improve it:

-My dreams include strutting down the New York Fashion Week runway
-I'm the girl who's 5"9 but still loves wearing heels
-My interests are everywhere, and I see college as the time for me to sharpen the ones that I really have a passion for...
-The last four years of high school have been intense and sleep-deprived, and my memories of them range from...
-I want us to be not just roommates, but close friends.
-I am a bit of a neat freak, but not over the top OCD; I just like organization.
-...our mini fridge will never see an empty day, and I'll always keep...

please give me some advice on my essay too :)
asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'electronic devices' + 'survival training' university of illinois(urbana-champaign) [2]

first essay:
-First sentence: curious
-new things that I learned about
-I could accomplish anything I set my mind to as long as I never gave up. I have never forgotten this advice, and I make sure to always stay determined in everything that I do.

-I have participated in a survival programme, religious retreats, and communities service activities, among other things. These experiences have helped shape my attitude to life, and through them, I have become a disciplined, independent individual.

second essay:
-imbibe in us the skills... (don't need a comma)
-we participated in different activities such as rope climbing and walking, mountain climbing, canoeing and other such strenuous activities.
-We also learned skills such as rope tying.
-Apart from this, we also developed...
-Hence, I learned

Your essay has great content! The survival program sounds interesting. I only corrected some grammar mistakes. Good luck!
asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the colors of my Chinese-American upbringing' - Rice Essay [6]

Thank you very much guys!
Here is the prompt:
A. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)
asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'middle-class Asian Bengali American of Long-Island' - Rice essay [6]

Essay: Typical middle-class Asian Bengali American of Long-Island best describes me. My family moved to the USA last year. This meant that I faced an extreme difference of culture which affected my every single step. However, this change of culture gave me something that I never had before. The traditional classical music of America helped me to understand the culture of the USA, which would have been quite difficult otherwise. Music and Bengali culture is a big part of my life, so naturally I find that a lot of the traits making me Susmita are evident in the forms of music I love. [what does Susmita mean? I am a bit confused here]

"Music is my life, it is a reflection of what I go through," - this quote of Lenny Kravitz helped me to understand what I am. My music is a reflection of me and my tradition that I brought from Bangladesh. At the age of 5, my mother discovered me singing. The musical journey through my culture brought to pass from that time. Asian-Bengali culture is one of the most ancient cultures of world's history. Religious belief and tradition plays the lead role in Bengali society. From a very early age I learned about Bengali culture through my classical songs. I participated in a classical song competition for the first time at the age of 11. Impressing the judges, I received the first prize. One of the judges came along to me and said, "I want to see you as a renowned classical singer one day." Since that day, the passion of music grew in me, and contributed to my passion for everything. I have competed in many competitions where I developed such traits as being responsible, overcoming challenges, and striving excellence, which have helped me to become a skillful competitor as well as a good human being. Singing, isn't just a huge part of my schedule; it's a huge part of me. I have put time and effort into learning the different music. The culture of Bengali society as well as American society helped me to develop as a determinate, passionate, disciplined and responsible person. These traits of me allow me to enjoy life.

My perspective of studying engineering has the impacts of my culture. "Knowledge defines one's strength." This proverb, which comes from Hinduism, the religion that I have faith in, is a guide of my way to be excellent. This created a passion for learning progressively in me. The religious and traditional festivals of Hinduism also have significant influences in my life and have shaped my strong personality. "Dewali," which is also known as the festival of lights, represents hope, and is my favorite religious festival. I'm from a culture which teaches its tribe to be disciplined in life. My enthusiasm for learning new things has increased my desire for knowledge.

Music is the reflection of my culture and tradition, and my culture and tradition is the refection of who I am. It's been a year since I left Bangladesh, but the effect of that glorious culture has been preserved through my desired to be a good person in life. When I came in touch with American culture, I was introduced to the diverse beauty of different cultures all around the world. I joined a piano class to learn more about this culture. While taking the time to fulfill my responsibilities, I will always save some time to do the things I love, like singing or playing piano.

Rice University is one of the most renowned universities in the USA. The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. Music and Bengali culture are some crucial factors of my mindset, and I will be honored to contribute them to such a prestigious university as Rice.

I like your essay! You are obviously very passionate about your culture and music. However, it is a bit hard to understand what you are trying to say at times. I tried to improve some of your grammar errors and awkward wording.
asdf7878   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the colors of my Chinese-American upbringing' - Rice Essay [6]

I have always been fascinated with colors. A brightly frosted cupcake at a birthday party was not just a tasty treat for me but a palette to experiment with. I was nine when I received my first set of Prismacolors, 150 pencils in a variety enticing hues such as terracotta, pale vermillion, and peacock blue that lent themselves to all sorts of fantastical creations. The summer before high school, my art teacher deemed me ready to begin oil-painting, opening a whole new world of colors and textures to me. Oil painting was not easy; one small mistake led to the endless frustration of meticulously blending it away with layer upon layer of paint. However, once I got the hang of it, I was able to paint with shades purer and brighter than I had ever used before, shades that created such lovely images when blended together: skies a pale blue with hints of lavender, yellow, and gray, or a lady's cheek pale peach rounded out with green, purple, and neon pink.

When I entered high school, a new array of colors dribbled onto the canvas of my life as well. They interrupted a background consisting of bright orange and deep red, the colors of my Chinese-American upbringing. Orange is quirky and loud; it stands out rather than conforms. Orange is purple tarot-flavored birthday cakes, the noing noing noing sound of my grandfather's Chinese opera tapes, and the chaos of kids rushing through the halls during the breaks between Saturday Chinese School classes, purchasing sugary snacks and trading Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Red is demanding, sometimes even intimidating. In essence, however, it is a warm color. Red is my parents, who have always had the highest expectations of me. My parents value education above all else, which has resulted in countless lectures, SAT prep books, and vetoes against pleas to attend sleepovers. However, my parents have also always believed in me, more than I do myself sometimes, and have encouraged me to do the best I can in everything. They have passed along me the philosophy of "first bitter, then sweet" - the notion of working hard to achieve success, as well as an undying thirst for knowledge.

Orchestra added to this painting strokes of rich purple, mahogany and honey brown: the colors of my polished cello, of the beautiful music we spun into the air during that magical moment when all our laborious rehearsing came together into a concert, of the camaraderie created through spring trips, winter balls, and Secret Santa gift exchanges. Academic Decathlon contributed big splatters of yellow: copious amounts of highlighter yellow applied to the never-ending pages of my resource guides, fluorescent yellow from my bedroom light as I studied late into the night, gold-yellow glinting in the light as our team proudly posed for pictures, grasping trophies and medals, and the sunny yellow bonds of friendships formed for life. Decathlon also splashed onto my painting jarring neon hues, colors that did not seem to fit in at first. I initially walked into Decathlon expecting a class full of book nerds but was instead greeted by the most unique and diverse bunch I have ever met. There was Saad, a studious Pakistani boy who was an avid Gaga groupie and fashion aficionado, Christian, a country boy with a thick hick accent who held communist viewpoints, and Natascha, the notorious slacker with a 2.1 GPA who nevertheless managed to place at state. These people were paradoxes, characters I could not have come up with in my own imagination. I did not mesh with them at first, sticking with my own group of friends in the class, because their habits and opinions were so different from what I was used to. Once we all made the team, however, we were brought together by the shared experiences of after-school practices and stressing out before meets. I grew to understand, and even love, my Decathlon family, who taught me an important lesson in tolerance and opened my mind to new ideas.

This is the painting of my life that I am presenting to Rice University, with all the colors that make up my perspective: my appreciation for beauty, my desire for success, and my open-mindedness. It's not quite done yet, just what I have so far. There's still plenty of room for new colors, colors that will hopefully make it richer, more beautiful, and more complete.

I am shortening this essay and using it for multiple schools, so any help would be greatly appreciated :)
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