Undergraduate / 'joined a motorcycle club' - personal statement, leadership and achievement [4]

Hi Valerie,

What's the prompt for the essay?
SUTD is affiliated with MIT, hence you want to make sure your achievements are quantifiable. Also, not everyone will be familiar with the term "tamiya car". You may want to define it to make it clearer to the reader.

I think you have a flair for words, especially in the first paragraph, but I'm not sure how relevant it is to your prompt. Especially since you are limited to 500 words, each word must count. The beginning of your essay seems a bit to romanticized for this purpose.

Hope this is helpful so far.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'I am working as a Consulting Engineer' - Description of your self [4]

Hi!

You've got good content, but a few grammatical errors. Also, what is this workshop about? You should think about the reasons you want to participate in this workshop and how it relates to your personality, goals and ambitions.

Good luck!

Graduate / 'I knew my hand was broken' - PA Narrative [2]

Hi Taylor,

1. Can you be more specific about the question? Are there any guidelines/limits (Word limit, how specific you should be etc.)

2. You do a good job of building credibility by telling the reader how you know that PA is the career path for you. However, your essay could use some polishing. A big plus is to always show, not tell - while you've done quite a bit of showing, I also notice a lot of telling i.e. "I am personable, outgoing, responsible, respectful person" --> You shouldn't have to write this out; we should be able to flesh out these characteristics through the anecdotes you tell us.

3. There is a section in your essay where you insinuate that the reason you want to be a PA is because you don't want to be an MD (because of the time commitment) --> I suggest you try not to be negative in your comments, it feels like you are "dissing" the MDs!

4. "What made me confirm at that time to be a PA was ..." sounds awkward.

Cheers,
Diana