Undergraduate /
'me, John, Abhi, Edwin, and Neil' - Peddie Essay #3 [5]
I would start the intro this way:
In its most traditional sense, a family is depicted as a group consisting of parents and children under the same household. Though my definition of family certainly upholds that definition, it also extends to another degree. I have made numerous friends over the years and we became close enough to form out own "family".This is just grammatical:
Being part of the family is deeper than just playing outside or chatting on Facebook. It means that you have to be there for your family when they are in need, help them when they are confused, comfort them when they are sad, and pacify issues them when they are mad. Once you join our family, you have to follow the golden rule: "Treat others as you would like to be treated".
In school, we talk when we see each other, and during lunch, we help each other with our homework and assignments.
I really like your idea of "money, protection, and care" and the investing $1 and the bigger the risk, the bigger the gain. It really ties together the point as to how your community has shaped you. However, try being a bit more descriptive of your example with Abhi. It is a good example but phrased in a way that makes it sound to shallow. Try to add details to give it more meaning or perhaps include another example that is deeper and more meaningful to you. That way you can still allude to the $1 investment and the old saying as an explanation of what your deep example meant to you.
