'me, John, Abhi, Edwin, and Neil' - Peddie Essay #3

Peddie values our strong sense of community, where faculty, families and students live, learn and play together. Tell us about your current community - hometown, neighborhood, family, or friends - and how it has shaped you.

I have made numerous friends over the years. Some of us became so close that we formed our own "family". Being a part of the family means more than just playing outside or chatting on Facebook, it means that you have to be there for your family when they are in need, helping them when they are confused, comforting them when they are sad, and pacifying them when they are mad. Once you join our family, you have to follow the golden rule, "Treat others as you would like to be treated".

Our "family" consists of five members, me, John, Abhi, Edwin, and Neil. In school, we talk when we see each other, and during lunch, we will help each other with their homework and assignments. A few months ago, my friend Abhi needed some money to pay his lunch fee, and I lend him $35 without a second thought. That is how friends are supposed to be, and not like some people who are not willing to spend $1 on their friends. We are actually willing to spend money on our friends, because we know that we will get something in return. As long as our family is still intact, we know that we can trust each other for money, protection, and care.

After being with my "family" for almost 31,556,926 seconds now, I learned two valuable life lessons. The first one being the golden rule, and the other lesson is that if you want to find true friends, the first step is having faith in them, and investing that $1, because as the old saying goes, the bigger the risk, the bigger the gain.

I would start the intro this way:
In its most traditional sense, a family is depicted as a group consisting of parents and children under the same household. Though my definition of family certainly upholds that definition, it also extends to another degree. I have made numerous friends over the years and we became close enough to form out own "family".

This is just grammatical:
Being part of the family is deeper than just playing outside or chatting on Facebook. It means that you have to be there for your family when they are in need, help them when they are confused, comfort them when they are sad, and pacify issues them when they are mad. Once you join our family, you have to follow the golden rule: "Treat others as you would like to be treated".

In school, we talk when we see each other, and during lunch, we help each other with our homework and assignments.

I really like your idea of "money, protection, and care" and the investing $1 and the bigger the risk, the bigger the gain. It really ties together the point as to how your community has shaped you. However, try being a bit more descriptive of your example with Abhi. It is a good example but phrased in a way that makes it sound to shallow. Try to add details to give it more meaning or perhaps include another example that is deeper and more meaningful to you. That way you can still allude to the $1 investment and the old saying as an explanation of what your deep example meant to you.

Tell me about how others see your "group of friends", identify yourselves. Are you the "gang", the "jocks", just something that will stick in the mind of the reader as I feel it moves on too quickly.

I would seriously consider losing the names, it doesn't add anything to the story.

Describe what being a family MEANS to you before backing it up with concrete details. "There is a deep sense of trust in our family... money is shared without expectation of reimbursement, only trust"

Lose the seconds, doesn't add anything

Very good essay otherwise, hope you get in! Here's mine:

Beside, you should not put family in " ", it's only to emphasize but in this essay, it makes your external family disconnects with your original one. Make sure you take a look at my latest essay please. It's at: