Unanswered [15] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ammonia32
Joined: Dec 2, 2008
Last Post: Dec 3, 2008
Threads: 1
Posts: 11  

From: Ghana

Displayed posts: 12
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ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Writing Feedback / "The insight of AIDS disease" - essay [5]

This essay is good! You really put down all the necessary info. Its really informing. I was wondering whether you were limited to words because the length is not as expected of an admission essay. What was the topic. If it is an admission essay, remember that the school is interested in you and not AIDS so u av to find a way to put ur views and traits into the essay. Also the first line of the paragraph starts with "on other hand.." as if to contrast the previous paragraph. Mean while, its just a change in focus so u need to use something else.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / "Let us improve life through science and art," - FSU Admissions essay, help [6]

Not a bad one there. But i also think you should check on the introduction because from the way you write, you can make it more interesting. Also, you dont really make ur general opinion of art sink in. You scratch d surface and you just refer back to that. You can explore your view of art a little further then give a smooth transition to computing being an art to u. Generally its a good one but you can make it better.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

lattent, this is a good piece. Your vocabulary is quite matured and thats good. I want you to envisage this scenario..
An admissions officer takes your script after he's read 150 others. He reads your introduction and will be like, "Another person talking about his community and its influence".

The point i'm trying to make here is that try and take the focus of yourself for some little while. If you just go on talking about you, it gets boring and the reader will barely finish it. I advice that you make your introduction very catchy, not so straight to the point yet coherent to the topic because the rest of your essay is pretty much straight to the point, just as a personal essay should be. Apart from that, i think its a pretty good essay.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / "the school choir" - Elaborate on One of Your ExtraCurricular Activities [6]

Edem, my own buddy, your essay is good. It has a wonderful introduction, very catchy and leads on. But the first impression one gets about you essay is "A Splendid Choir Display". This is a short essay so you need to tell us how this activity has shaped you not just how wonderful the activity is. Definitely, your school doesnt need you to tell them to start a choir so focus ono telling them about you. Remember, all essays in one way or the other should say something you because its you they want to know, not your choir master. All you say about you here is "I used to sing in the bass part". What influence did the choir have on u???
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Essays / I need help writing my admission essay, how to start it? Rutgers University [10]

Porsia, if you have not already started your essay, i would like you to put this in mind. There is something unique about everyone. In everything you do, you leave something that shows your "touch". Just search within yourself and find out the unique way you do any normal thing and let the reader see how you stongly you feel about that thing. The truth is your essay has to look exceptional and the only way you can do that is either let a normal thing seem exceptional, or an exceptional thing seem normal. I will advice you to go for the former because it gives a startling effect.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / Creative work of art-Commonapp Personal essay [9]

Edem or should i say my own local side kick, i didnt introduce you this site to start one of our local battles. Anyway, since you already told me about that bit, i reckon nature took painting away from me and gave me an affinity for it as a replacement. That's what i am trying to depict by using "compromise". I wanted painting skills, i didnt get it but in place of the skills, i got a passion for painting.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / The irrevocable statement of John Hersey "success starts with a failure" is locomotion of achievers. [12]

Nanayaw, i'm a ghanaian too and i get where you coming from. I like the personal issue you are using, it enables you to site challenges you faced and the traits that you developed to stand through. Generally its a good piece. My only worry was on your examples and fact. You came at them at awkward angles. In the 3rd paragraph, you talk about Job but you dont really let us feel the connection. Then you move on to Myles saying but you didnt elaborate it much to show the connection. Cornell's statement wasnt much different, i didnt feel the connection.

Also with your introduction, it is a good saying and perhaps you can link it smoothly to the body of the essay. Your introduction now doesnt really introduce the essay, it just introduces the next paragraph. All in all, i think this is a good piece so try and check my suggestions.
ammonia32   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / Creative work of art-Commonapp Personal essay [9]

Thanks Angela. I felt there was something lacking on the "personal" aspect. Will see what i can do about it if its not too late. Thanks again.
ammonia32   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / Creative work of art-Commonapp Personal essay [9]

Hi! Its unfortunate that i came across this site at the eleventh hour. I am an international student and i intend to upload my essay any hour from now. Please check whether my personal essay is good. Am I drifting away from creating an image of myself as expected from every personal essay? Please view this ASAP for me. Thank you.

Describe a creative work of art that has had an influence on you and explain that influence.

One look at my replicas of the Mona Lisa or Botticelli's Birth of Venus will tell you all you need to know about me and painting; it is certainly not one of my talents. Yet, nature's fascinating way of ultimate balance and harmony left me with a high affinity for paintings as a compromise. I believe every stroke of the brush conveys a unique sensation and that the complete artwork embodies a whole conception of the artist. This conception is what I search for within any painting I come across. The very first time I saw the surrealist painting The Treachery of Images by René Magritte, I knew the piece was a unique one. Little did I know however, that what I sought in the painting, would significantly transform my life in the subsequent years.

Like every other surrealist work, The Treachery of Images plays on the element of surprise and awkward comparison. In this simple painting, René Magritte puts quite some effort into depicting a 20th century smoking pipe. He gives the pipe's bowl and part of its stem a brown color and then introduces a thin bronze ring between the stem and the black mouthpiece. The painting has a general glossy effect which ensures it's strikingly realistic look. Actually, he portrays the pipe with such astounding elegance that you would bet it was merely a local smoking-pipe company's advertisement. But everything changes when u see the caption underneath the picture; "Ceci n'est pas une pipe" (This is not a pipe). This seemed quite ridiculous to me. Why go through all the trouble to paint an elegant pipe only to say afterwards that it wasn't a pipe? Rene argued that indeed that his painting was not a pipe but an image of a pipe but everyone knew that the renowned surrealist artist was implying more than just the obvious. What really was René's idea here?

Before I saw the painting, I understood reality as the things that I saw or knew existed. My perception of reality was limited to my knowledge and experiences. In any situation I faced, I sought solutions within that enclosed field. As I pondered over the painting and general comments on it, I realized that Magritte was merely raising doubts on man's visual representation of the world around him. The only reason why I thought the painting was a pipe was because I saw a pipe. The fact that my eyes were unable to accurately differentiate an image from reality was actually calling my sense of sight into question. In other words, reality as I see it might just be an image of the actual reality.

Amazingly, Magritte's idea transformed the core of my being. I reckon there is a part of reality that I have not yet encountered and thus know little about. I cannot then be satisfied with the normal things I know. I began to look at situations with a whole different perspective. Now when I am confronted by any problem, whether academically or socially, I do not only consider the normal approach but I try to think out of the box. This concept, in a way, has increased my desire for alternative strategies and suggestions on issues. I have learnt to search for things beyond the obvious and to think beyond the normal. The normal, I now realize, is just a restriction we have put on reality.
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