Undergraduate / "I Am an Actor" - Georgetown Transfer Essay, First Prompt [3]

Thanks for the feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

I did revisions on this essay extensively - the new version is below.

One minute until it is my turn on stage, and my world is changing. Bodies, voices, and emotions pile into the blender of the stage and are violently mixed. The products are finely chopped nerves, lightly seasoned by the deafening murmurs of the actors and directors in the house. A tantalizing meal of anticipation is presented before my eyes. I remain still. The wafts of apprehension do not tempt me anymore.

One by one, the line of prospective performers moves forward into the maw. Their exuding emptiness bounces off of me. My heart bangs on the walls of my chest, wanting its voice to be heard. I tell it to be patient, for it will speak soon. The new words can wait for a moment more.

Auditions bring forth a wide array of experiences like these to an actor. The circumstances can be different: a black box or proscenium to play in, roles for five actors or five hundred, the play, Othello or Next to Normal. The throbbing clock in a chest, the sweat, the giddy anxiety? For most, these feelings never change, but for me, they are different now.

Georgetown was a new challenge - one that I lusted after. I was told by experience to prepare for its audition as I had before. The operative words in my memorized lines would be underlined to make them matter. The script had to be recited over and over again in front of the mirror, until I got it right. Movements would be planned at specific lines, with proper intentions and reasons. The questions about my character would arise: who he was internally and externally, and who he should become. The blueprint had been created, and I felt confident about landing a role, yet something felt funny.

The top layer of my character seemed fine, but I felt that I had missed something. Why did this character seem so far from myself? Was there something more than my lines and blocking? Was my soul truly in this archetype of my acting process? My frowning heart told me to look below the surface of the soulless being I would have created. I peered into the shell, searching for meaning, searching for what was missing inside. It did not take long for me to find the answer.

I had to be more than a character. The depths of emotion and character had to be surpassed beyond the lines, the movements, the intentions. I had to reach the very bottom of my soul, and bring it to the top layer, to every word, every step. The audition would be spiritless if I did not unfold each of its layers, one by one, and infuse myself into them. The shell needed an inhabitant, one who spoke more than the words, who made more than the movements. The missing cohesion to put it all together was me.

The outline was re-drawn. The words were shaped with willing hands, the movements by invigorated feet, the character by a set mind. My heart grinned and my troubles were put away. A soul had taken form.

As I wait in line to be judged, to bring forth the wet clay of the person that I am, I will not waver. I shall not eat from the plate of anxiety. I have no taste for such meals anymore. That actor is gone.

I will be myself, the truth of my role, and nothing more. That is what acting is to me.
My name is (name here), and I will be auditioning for the role of myself.
...thank you.

Thoughts?

Undergraduate / 'quickly growing as biology' - Statement of Purpose Essay for Admission to Biology [3]

To be honest, this feels a lot like just another essay, rather than an area about explaining who you are and why you would add value as an individual to UT.

I think you should really revise and focus on the nature of your experiences in high school - how your "hands-off" professor shaped you to be a "go-getter" type in biology, and how that has had an effect on you as a student and as a person. Maybe about how your potential leadership would make you able to contribute to science, and to help others in need?

You have to show schools why you are different from the others, what makes you more valuable, and why you should be admitted.

I would be happy to read another copy of your essays. Wishing you all the best.

Undergraduate / 'the best knowledge and experience' Uni of Toronto: Application Essay for Engineering [7]

As a child, I've always wondered about how everything worked in this world and not merely how to use that particular mechanism . Whenever a problem surfaced, whether it was the heater not working, or the stove not working , I was always curious on bothabout why the problem occurred and the solution to the problem. The technology and engineering behind every gadget or contraption greatly interested me. Due to that, a lifetime goal and dream had been provoked: to create and give rise to something using my own skills that will enlighten the world and that I will be remembered for. That was when my passion for engineering sparked. In order for this to succeed, I figured that the best and only approach was to pursue in an engineering degree. With thatit , my mind will be enlightened with profound knowledge in the field of engineering and, at the same time, help to develop my vision for my future creations.

During my high school lifehigh school , I was more exposed to the background of engineering after taking physics and chemistry, my two favourite courses in high school. They came as second nature to me, but interested me a great deal and helped me develop skills to think analytically and innovate solutions to problems with theories that I'veI'd learned. Wherever I went and whatever I did, I was able to apply my knowledge of physics and/or chemistry towards that particular matter. Due toBecause of that, I immediately grasped ononto the path of engineering. In fact, the two courses, along with math, were my favourite courses throughout high school. Beginning in Grade 11, I was the teacher's assistant for both the math and the science department. I shared my knowledge with other students by tutoring them in mathematics and sciences and made sure that they understood the concept behind every problem and not simply the solution. This was a great experience for me, as it developed my communication, teamwork, and patience skills. As seen in my hundreds of hours of community services , I highly enjoyed helping others and the community, as that brought upon fulfill ment for both others and Ime . As a university student, I will be able to help others and simultaneously strengthen my own knowledge, Asand as a future engineering student , I will be able to express my ideas in a simple, yet informational way and lead an entire team to success. During my employment at CNE at their Go Karts station, I was acknowledged with the engineering behind the karts. Throughout my entire employment period, I applied all the knowledge that I've learned in school and at work into fixing the karts and I learned to become a hard-worker and developed skills of teamwork and perseverance. This portrayed my passion for problem solving and inspired me to become an engineer.

In order to achieve my childhood goal, I believe that the best knowledge and opportunity for new experiences can enable me to fully peruse my engineering aspirations. The University of Toronto is the most profound place for the two qualities. as thereThere is a large diversity in the student body, many outstanding clubs to join, such as EngSoc, and a group of exceptional professors. EngSoc especially attracted me to the university and I hope to become a part of their team to assist other students and to organize events.Hence,The University of Toronto will provide the greatest environment for me to pursue my passion in engineering.

The above corrections leave you at almost 2900 characters. If you feel you want to add anything else to get you closer to 3000, do so.
Best of luck.

Undergraduate / 'The power of education' - Common Application Transfer Response [3]

Thanks for the feedback.

The reason that it sounded so generic was because I withheld some of my information from the post - not the best of ideas on my part.

I will post a revised version maybe tomorrow - I am a bit busy at the moment.