Writing Feedback / IELTS essay. International music vs traditional ('music is vital to us') [6]

You have good writing style. But it seems to me a bit off-topic.
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

"why do we need music?"
You're supposed to give reasons why we need music. I suggest you write one paragraph for this. Here, you don't need to clarify differences between international music and traditional one yet.

Is the traditional music more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
Which is more important in your point of view? If both are important to some extent equally, give reasons and make sure you write your opinion in conclusion. The statement is not asking whether you agree or disagree, but it's a question so you MUST respond well and convince the examiner why you think so.

In IELTS, introduction and conclusion paragraphs are very important because if you have written excellent intro, it's going draw a lot of attention from examiner. Same goes to conclusion part.

Writing Feedback / 'exposed to the ever-accelerated technology' - ielts : an essay written by myself [10]

dear xiang wei,
a good essay with newly learnt words/phrases.
but i'd love to suggest you to improve your writing by your own knowledge and words that are familiar to you.
sometimes, even if you're using excellent lexical resources, you will not be given high score as examiners can actually guess your english level. when they find out you're only trying to use words which you don't really know just to make a good essay, they can deduct your scores.

Keep it simple, but try to use complex sentences.
Good luck with your exam!