Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay (Brother who has cerebral palsy and influence). [6]

Here's my common app essay for influence someone has had on you. Any edits would be welcomed. Also, I would love help on a title or on the ending.

At the prime age of seventeen, I often find myself suffering from sudden bursts of immense back pain. Here's the part where you would normally hear all about my dedication to an arduous sport that though extremely trying has also been extremely rewarding. Except, I have never played on a sports team in my entire life. No, my back pain doesn't stem from athletic pursuits or even a medical condition like scoliosis. It comes from my being just shy of five feet, weighing 105 pounds, and having often carried my 5'10, 160 pound brother who has Cerebral Palsy.

For the last seventeen years I've fed, carried, and assisted him with his everyday routines. There were times, of course, where it was difficult to even summon the strength to help my mother carry him and times where his wistful stares at other running kids left me burning, wanting more than anything to simply cover his eyes. However, it's my brother and his disability that has shaped me into who I am today.

From early on I was given the responsibility of an older sibling whenever I had to watch over my brother. Though my Hispanic background would pull and tug, trying to instill in me strict gender roles, I would constantly fight back and be the strong girl who would not only carry more than her own weight but also refuse to cry or show any signs weakness. Through my parents' bickering and my father's drunken cries, I would deftly lift my chin up at the sight of my brother's quivering lip in the hopes that he would follow my lead or that my strength would be enough for the two of us.

Cerebral Palsy cut down my brother's opportunities and yet he still always dreamed of being a video game designer. Both his weakness and strength empowered me, driving me to take full advantage of the myriad of opportunities open to me. Yet having experience with something most don't have left me grasping about, looking for somewhere I could finally put it into good use.

I think more than anything, I had always been terrified of sharing in the a pain only all too familiar. It wasn't until I finally started spending my Saturdays using music and art therapy to help disabled children that I realized something. Perhaps I was sharing in what was essentially more my own pain, but I was also sharing the acceptance, strength and even happiness I had found.

In the future I know I'll continue to feel sudden bursts of immense back pain. Honestly, I can't complain. With that back pain came resiliency, determination, an understanding and connection to the suffering of others, and the motivation to do something about that pain. And now more than ever I feel ready to face new hurdles...

Again, any help would be great. Thank you!

Undergraduate / For one summer I become someone else; Common App short answer [4]

This is my response for the short answer in the Commonapp that asks to expand an activity. Input and corrections would be great. Currently it stands at 147 words.

For one summer I become someone else. I dropped the role of a student and became another commuter traveling between White Plains and New York City, to Edelman PR firm. I worked with the Multicultural Department, a group that focuses on the needs of the Hispanic market and ways that companies can better reach them. While the experience of working in an office environment prepared me for what I had always been reaching for as an aspiring lawyer, working specifically for the Hispanic market was something unexpected and rewarding. Experiencing how it felt to integrate my culture into a career convinced me it was the path I one day wanted to take. The daily commuting to a city I had never visited alone taught me independence and the nature of my work taught me professionalism. At sixteen I was able to experience something usually reserved for third-year college students and now more than ever I feel confident that my abilities can go beyond grades and scores to success in the real world.

It's now about 172 words and way too long. Anybody have any idea on how to cut it down? Grammar/spelling or any other criticisms are completely welcomed!