anki145
Sep 5, 2012
Undergraduate / College Essay - "A Battle Fought Together" [3]
Hello.
This is a great draft of a fantastic essay! Your mother seems to have had an intensely positive impact on you and your decisions on life. I am sure she is extremely proud of what you are doing, and there is no doubt that you will do well in life. There are a few revisions I would suggest including:
The word "illuminates" when referring to a trait sounds awkward because it is "through" a person. It might simply be that I have not heard it used in that context before, however, it is something to take a gander at.
There should be a comma after "In my case."
There does not need to be a comma after "called." Instead, simply continue into the name "cerebral palsy."
The condition "worsens " instead of "gets worse" ?
The word "exemplifies" does not fit before "living proof." Try something like "My mother constantly exemplifies, despite the studies stating her condition will worsen with age, that she is a driving force determined to provide the best for both my sister and me."
And at the end of that sentence, it should be "me" instead of "my sister and I"
"Strive" is a verb and cannot be used as a noun as you have done above, and individual's needs an apostrophe . How about "Disabilities do not limit an individual's potential, but instead, they give a person the drive to overcome adversity." ?
The last sentence of the first paragraph seems very awkward and misplaced.
Switch the words around in the first sentence of the second paragraph. "Winter nights were the worst because her cerebral palsy would intertwine with her aching arthritis." I'd like to point out that this made the essay really personal, and it made the example so much more concrete. I love this line (despite the meaning of it).
"I really had to step in when she would stay in bed for weeks at a time by: cleaning the house , cooking meals, helping my little sister with homework, and aiding my mother with daily living. All of this was in addition to my own life."
Make "Why couldn't I have a normal mother?" its own sentence.
For the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might want something a little stronger. Maybe, "I developed the notion that having a "normal mother" would ease the troubles I was dealing with to the point of nonexistence."
Make "It was given to her, and she was given to me as a phenomenal mother." its own sentence.
"Despite " does not work properly in that sentence. Maybe rephrase to say that you have learned not to think of helping others as an obligation because your mother showed you it was done out of a sense of love and companionship.
"Extreme drive" sounds awkward to me, but it might just be me.
You have to be parallel in the sentence about "conditionally caring out of love" (this also sounds strange to me-- caring conditionally or loving conditionally?). How about "She has taught me the value of caring conditionally, loving irrevocably, and not shortening expectations of disabled people.
The next sentence is a great way for the admissions officer to get to know why you want to go into medicine. It shows that you have the motivation to enter into such a challenging career field, and it shows that you have done your fair share of research about what it entails.
"the robust mindset" instead of "that robust mind-set"
Overall, this was fairly well written. I am a bit of a stickler for little grammatical things. It's great that you have a focus established already! I am probably right around the same age as you and have a very similar perspective on what I want to do. Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors! :)
Hello.
This is a great draft of a fantastic essay! Your mother seems to have had an intensely positive impact on you and your decisions on life. I am sure she is extremely proud of what you are doing, and there is no doubt that you will do well in life. There are a few revisions I would suggest including:
The word "illuminates" when referring to a trait sounds awkward because it is "through" a person. It might simply be that I have not heard it used in that context before, however, it is something to take a gander at.
There should be a comma after "In my case."
There does not need to be a comma after "called." Instead, simply continue into the name "cerebral palsy."
The condition "worsens " instead of "gets worse" ?
The word "exemplifies" does not fit before "living proof." Try something like "My mother constantly exemplifies, despite the studies stating her condition will worsen with age, that she is a driving force determined to provide the best for both my sister and me."
And at the end of that sentence, it should be "me" instead of "my sister and I"
"Strive" is a verb and cannot be used as a noun as you have done above, and individual's needs an apostrophe . How about "Disabilities do not limit an individual's potential, but instead, they give a person the drive to overcome adversity." ?
The last sentence of the first paragraph seems very awkward and misplaced.
Switch the words around in the first sentence of the second paragraph. "Winter nights were the worst because her cerebral palsy would intertwine with her aching arthritis." I'd like to point out that this made the essay really personal, and it made the example so much more concrete. I love this line (despite the meaning of it).
"I really had to step in when she would stay in bed for weeks at a time by: cleaning the house , cooking meals, helping my little sister with homework, and aiding my mother with daily living. All of this was in addition to my own life."
Make "Why couldn't I have a normal mother?" its own sentence.
For the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might want something a little stronger. Maybe, "I developed the notion that having a "normal mother" would ease the troubles I was dealing with to the point of nonexistence."
Make "It was given to her, and she was given to me as a phenomenal mother." its own sentence.
"Despite " does not work properly in that sentence. Maybe rephrase to say that you have learned not to think of helping others as an obligation because your mother showed you it was done out of a sense of love and companionship.
"Extreme drive" sounds awkward to me, but it might just be me.
You have to be parallel in the sentence about "conditionally caring out of love" (this also sounds strange to me-- caring conditionally or loving conditionally?). How about "She has taught me the value of caring conditionally, loving irrevocably, and not shortening expectations of disabled people.
The next sentence is a great way for the admissions officer to get to know why you want to go into medicine. It shows that you have the motivation to enter into such a challenging career field, and it shows that you have done your fair share of research about what it entails.
"the robust mindset" instead of "that robust mind-set"
Overall, this was fairly well written. I am a bit of a stickler for little grammatical things. It's great that you have a focus established already! I am probably right around the same age as you and have a very similar perspective on what I want to do. Anyway, good luck in your future endeavors! :)
