Undergraduate / is this topic "my world" worthy? [3]

Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.

Moving to a tremendously multicultural city like Hong Kong from Korea when I was ten allowed me to, for the first time in my life, go to school with friends from Nepal, Singapore, Japan, and other foreign places of the world. Instantly, I was spellbound by the seemingly colorful mixture of beliefs, values, and customs. Thus when many of my friends commonly identified themselves from a shared western perspective, rather then that of their ethnicities, I was strangely baffled. As time went by, I found myself greatly confused with my own identity and sinking into what seemed like a cultural mesh. However, despite the social pressure and internal struggle, I continued to spend time with my family for New Years instead counting down in parties. I continued to attend Korean school and began to love the Korean history classes that taught me more about my native country. I was surprised by how little I knew. Coming to Hong Kong and being able to study from such a diverse community allowed me to learn many things. Speaking English almost everywhere and "chilling" with my friends at movies and cafes, I learned how easy it is to slowly reject my traditional beliefs and consider myself "American." But that is not who I truly am. I learned to keep a positive attitude towards my own heritage and to deliberately build my identity considering what I am part of and what I believe. If and when people of the world have a strong sense of their identity, it brings a magnificent exchange of ideas. Recognizing myself first has enabled me to be accepting, as I understand and value the ideas of others. I hope to bring to University of Virginia not only my willingness to share my cultural identity, but also what I have learned about innovative and successful outcomes from open-mindedness and collaboration among a wide array of different views.

Please give me some feedback on:
-the organization and structure (It' be better if shorter: what can I cut out?)
-any word choice errors or grammatical mistakes
-most importantly, the context itself and how it fits the prompt!

Thank you so much, you are all so kind!