Posts by icedbananas

icedbananas

Jan 14, 2009

Undergraduate / The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life. UT App Essay about my dad [11]

Overall, a fairly good essay. :] I'll try my best to clean up your sentences a bit. :)

Some of these people are my best friends, while others are ~~merely nothing more than~~ just people I see everyday. Some of these people have made a lasting impact on me, while others have not. Out of all these people,the one that has made the greatest impact on my life is the person that I have know since I was born- my dad.

He can be portrayed as stubborn, meticulous, persistent, supportive, and overall, devoted.
(Too many adjectives, I suggest cutting them down to 3 (use the power of 3 :]))

Although we are not able to spend much time together, he often finds the time to show me how important I am in his life. (I know that you might be trying to use more sophisticated words in your essay, but make sure to check the dictionary on the words you find in the thesaurus - e.g. diminuitive does not work in this context. :])

My father is undoubtedly the most hard working person ~~that~~ I know.

At times, he can work three jobs a day! However, he does not work for the money. Instead, he works because he enjoys it.(Remember not to use contractions. 'doesn't' --> does not)

Due to the long hours he spends working, our father-son time is sometimes cut short. He makes up for it after he gets home from work. While I finish my physics or calculus, he will talk to me and ask me how life is doing. This is important to me as it makes me realize how ~~significant~~(concerned. maybe?) he is.

Whenever I make a decision, either right or wrong, he will give me constructive criticism.

He told me that I do not have to be great at something to find enjoyment in it.

My father is the one who inspired my future education and careers goals as well.

From this exposure, I grew many passions - a passion for knowing how and what drives these marvels into the air, and a passion for reaching beyond what is imaginable.

I someday hope to turn these passions into a profession.

My dad ~~has~~ taught me to be disciplined and to work hard for everything that I desire.

In addition, he gave me the basic knowledge and tools that are required for any future success.

I cannot be any more thankful to him.

Hope all this helps! You have the content, but just need to improve your sentence structures a bit. Good luck! :)

icedbananas

Jan 14, 2009

Undergraduate / 'Sheltered life in New Jersey' - School Principal Essay [4]

Good answer to the question. :) Here are some grammatical changes:

Unfortunately, my high school doesn't offer any religion or culture classes. Hence, my first move as principal would be to change this.

~~High school is meant to prepare students for college and life's many endeavors. Religion and Diversity classes do exactly this.~~
I believe that Religion and Diversity classes will help prepare students for college and life's many endeavors.

In college, students will meet people from countries they have never heard of or religions ~~that~~ they have never known about.

This ignorance will prevent students from becoming acquainted with new people and will actually be a let down. Diversity and religion classes will also help students gain a better understanding of what's going on in the world now. (Clear this up a bit)

Unfortunately, the ignorance of some students towards other cultures might prevent them from becoming acquainted with new people. Hopefully, with Religion and Diversity classes, this can be avoided. Furthermore, these classes will also help students gain a better understanding of what's going on in the world now.

Although most high school students tend to think that they know the reasons behind current situations, they fail to comprehend the religious aspect of the problem.

An Introduction to Religion class might not help these students become pundits, but it will move them in the right direction by eliminating any ignorance.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck! :)

icedbananas

Jan 11, 2009

Undergraduate / umich essays - "a challenging book you have read" [11]

No problem! (: Good luck in your applications!

icedbananas

Jan 11, 2009

Undergraduate / Georgetown Foreign Service Essay [8]

Hi, I'm applying to Georgetown's SFS too! Hopefully we'll all get in :)

Anyways, I think your essay's pretty alright. Your topic on non-traditional security threats is definitely one that many would not think of writing about. &you certainly seem very informed on the issue :) There seems to be no grammar mistakes so I don't really have much to comment on too. Good job on the essay. All the best on your applications! :)

icedbananas

Jan 10, 2009

Undergraduate / umich essays - "a challenging book you have read" [11]

Hi again, I'm back to try to help you out some more. :) Here're a few grammatical changes:

More often than not, we all fall prey to ~~our~~ rapid cognition, which lies behind the locked doors of our subconscious mind. Although it washard for me to believe that ~~it is~~ conscious reasoning ~~that~~often denies us access to this unchartered territory, Blink made me realize that itis undeniably true. After reading the book, a few questions lingered in my mind: In the midst of our progress, can we actually be regressing? In the pursuit of information and speed, have we neglected the power of our intuition? Blink is a book that made me re-evaluate life and the way we percieve it.

We live in a knowledge-based economy, where information is prime in making decisions.
Every day of our lives, our minds are so clouded by the overwhelming amount of information that we receive, that we fail to function intuitively. Soon enough, we might lose this innate ability to think on our feet.

Ohh, I see why I was so confused earlier on! Maybe you could tweak your sentences to show what you learned from the book, instead of just describing its contents. Try adding in a few "it made me realize..", "from this, I learned that..", maybe it'll help clarify things a bit. I think that your essay needs to really show how the book changed your thinking.. like how it made you re-evaluate the nature of humanity and gave you a new perspective on life, instead of just posing questions to the reader.

Try it &see how it goes. I hope all this helps! :)

icedbananas

Jan 10, 2009

Undergraduate / umich essays - "a challenging book you have read" [11]

Hi wongxy,

Blink sounds like an interesting book. :) I think your essay is a good attempt at explaining more about the book, but I'm sorry to say that I had a rather difficult time understanding it. :/

I couldn't really see how the book impacted you and made you change your perspective. & It was rather difficult for me to find the whole point of your essay. Are you trying to say that humanity is losing its ability to follow its instincts because of the overload of information and the faster pace of life?

Maybe you could define what 'blinking' is at the beginning of your essay, like "Blinking - the power to form instaneous conclusions with little information - is not a power exclusive to the elite, but a power that everyone shares.'

Also, maybe you could try writing a thesis statement at the end of your first paragraph that says how Blink made you think about the importance of first impressions in our lives.

I'm not a professional or anything, but I hope all this helps. Good luck! :)

icedbananas

Jan 10, 2009

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

I think 'grey' is UK spelling, and 'gray' is US spelling. Haha the English language is fascinating. :) All the best to you too!

icedbananas

Jan 10, 2009

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

Thanks so much guys! I really, really appreciate it. :D

wongxy: Haha thanks, now I feel more confident in sending in this essay to GU.

menamilad: I'm glad that I my essay gave you an idea on what to write. All the best! :)

EF_Sean: Oh okay, I'll try to change the middle portion like you said, but I think it's kind of difficult to do so without changing the rest of the paragraphs. :\ I'll see what I can think of. Thanks for the advice! :)

EF_Kevin: Thanks so much for correcting my grammatical &spelling mistakes. :) I can't believe I submitted the essay to a few other schools with gray spelt as grey! Haha :\

Once again, thanks everyone! :D

icedbananas

Jan 9, 2009

Undergraduate / Georgetown "Describe Yourself" Essay [10]

Hi guys, I was thinking of submitting my common application essay for Georgetown's "The Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.".

I'm not sure if it fits, or if it really describes me much, but I've been having a really hard time writing a new one to suit the prompt. Please help me see if it's okay. Any criticisms or comments are welcome. Thanks soo much! :)

That must be the reason why God resides in the heavens above us - because from high up, you gain a whole new perspective on the world.

It was 5 a.m. on a Tuesday morning. My friends had all fallen asleep inside the hotel room, exhausted by the excitement of the prom night that we just had a few hours ago. Needing a temporary reprieve from reality, I sneaked out onto the balcony of our 56th storey suite. From the balcony ledge, I gazed out into the Singapore horizon. Through the mist the world was grey, blackened by the absence of the Moon and barely lit by the street lamps below. Pretty soon the Sun would rise from its fiery sleep and waken the city.

I stared at the apartment building a few blocks down. A light came on in one of the rooms and the image of a man carrying out his morning routine entered my mind. How lucky we are to be granted the luxuries of indoor plumbing, I thought. My mind drifted back to the time when my family visited my maternal relatives in the Philippines. I remembered how disgusted I felt having to wash myself with river water from a silver bucket. Those eight years ago, I was disgusted with the dirty surroundings, and now, recalling that memory, I'm instead disgusted with myself. Who was I to think that I was better than my poor relatives all those years ago? A profound sense of shame overwhelmed me. Once again, I began thinking of my life and how lucky I was to be born into a world of comfort and opportunity.

*****

For years now, I have been strongly convinced that I will enter the humanitarian line of work in the future. When people ask me what I want to do with the rest of my life, I can immediately answer them, "I want to change the world."

"For the better or for the worse?" one of my teachers jokingly replied once.

"For the better, of course!"

This conviction in me to do something about the global situation was a result of years of news-watching and article-reading about the stories in war-torn Africa and poverty-stricken Asia. Every few nights or so, after the revealing of some new scientific discovery, the news would feature a 30 second clip about the tragedies in Somalia or Indonesia. It seemed to never end - this interminable cycle of conflict and poverty. It shocks me how the world could be so out of balance. On one side of the world, people like me can easily fork out $5 to pay for a cup of Starbucks, while on the other, people have to work from dawn to dusk to earn less than the cost of a Mocha Frappuccino. On one side of the world, people like me can go to bed every night in the comfort of air conditioning, while on the other, people have to go to sleep praying to the good Lord to shelter them from the raining missiles for just another night. And to think that such contradictions juxtapose one another on the very same planet!

Pondering over these injustices never fails to leave me feeling heart-broken and frustrated. After years of living a privileged life, I feel that I can no longer remain silent; I can no longer sit by and watch as half of the world suffers while the other half prospers. I will learn as much as I can to understand more about the complexities of these problems. And then I will work as hard as I can together with humanitarian organisations to help solve them.

*****

It was time now. The first ray of light had pierced through the thick layer of clouds. Slowly, bit by bit, the sky turned a hue of purple, orange and finally blue. The streets became alive again with the sounds of cars and early commuters. The Sun had risen above the city of Singapore. Across the country, Singaporeans woke up to a brand new day. It was a beautiful sight - the dawning of the Sun. Yet, at that moment, another brutal truth dawned on me: somewhere in the world, someone was not as lucky as I. Somewhere in the world, someone woke up to a new day of hunger and conflict.

I will change the world. And I will do so for the better.

icedbananas

Jan 2, 2009

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay Siddhartha [4]

Here are a few grammatical corrections:

When I was fifteen years old, I began to delve into philosophical literature. I certainly didn't understand all of it - the unfinished Nietzsche books littering my bedroom were proof. But I was always seeking some form of sanity as I began to question my own. As I gained some meager knowledge and started to form my own philosophies, I began to solicit religious debates on blogs and Youtube. But then, I realized with the help of Siddhartha that I was deluding myself as I was trying too hard to learn truths that one can't learn by oneself.

Hmm.. I find your essay a bit difficult to understand.. Sorry. In the beginning I didn't even realize that Siddhartha was a book. Maybe you could put in, "but then, with the help of the novel, Siddhartha, I realized..

Hope that helps a bit. Good luck! (:

icedbananas

Jan 2, 2009

Undergraduate / Intellectually engaging- my experience with mock trial [3]

Interesting essay, good writing (:

But I suggest dividing up the essay into paragraphs to make it more clearer.

Yep, all the best!

icedbananas

Jan 2, 2009

Undergraduate / U of Chicago: " Powers of Ten" [8]

Hmm, nice essay (: but I kind of agree with ARodz19 there. Maybe you could try zooming in and out more to really illustrate the 'powers of ten'?

Anyways, good luck with your application! I'm applying there too, but decided to write the "live the question" essay instead.. This was too difficult for me. Haha, all the best! (:

icedbananas

Jan 2, 2009

Undergraduate / Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India") [5]

Your essay is generally okay, but with a few grammatical errors.

Imagine walking into a classroom as a 13 year old girl from India, as a girl with dreams and wishes waiting to be fulfilled. That girl was me, Sravya. The society that I come from does not allow girls to dream - girls are always considered inferior to boys. I want to prove to the society that girls can be on a par with boys in any field.

I remember the first day when I walked into Timothy Edwards Middle School, ~~strolling down the hallways,~~ with my guidance counselor by my side. I was in awe of the library which silently stood in front of the lobby, and the computers which were omnipresent. The resources ~~which are~~ available to a student in this country are countless. At that moment, I saw my future here. When I think about my future, I paint a picture in my mind of a sophisticated young woman in her mid-twenties confidently marching through the streets of Manhattan. She is an independent and powerful professional evaluating important documents, and she is needed by her colleagues. With this this picture in the back of my mind, I propelled through high school.

Some of the classes that I took ~~in high school~~ really encouraged me to seize my dream, especially Principles of Engineering. To explore engineering further, I took Introduction to Engineering at Manchester Community College over summer for three weeks. Learning about the different types of engineering careers available, fascinated and motivated me. Learning about Fischertechnik ROBOPro Software to make a marble sorter was a unique yet a fun experience. These courses reinforced ~~an indisputable~~my strong desire to become a software engineer.

Expanding my knowledge in engineering through University of Illinois would definitely help me achieve my aspirations.

Hope that was helpful. Good luck! (: