Meiling
Oct 14, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Pursuance, never succeed in track again' - College Essay Revision [2]
All suggestions are welcome. Please feel free to add or take anything out that is necessary. Please help me!!
Prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
Pursuance
Bang! The gun went off. I took off like a fired cannon, blowing around the corner, tearing up the track as I went. Nothing could stop me. Moments later, I found myself at the finish line trying to catch my breath. I gazed up at the enormous screen embedded with my time. Gaping at the screen for what seemed like a millennium, I tried to scramble for words. Nothing came out but a scream of delight. I, Michelle Nemeth, a freshman on the Central Valley High School track team, had just qualified for the state championships in the 200m. dash.
I remembered being in a jovial mood that day, but could this sensation last forever? Two years have passed, and I am now a junior. Things have definitely changed. I am no longer the naive freshmen I once was. I am someone who has given a lot of thought about the future. I am someone who is concerned about their academics. I am someone who no longer thinks like a child. I am now a mature, young adult. Having so much on my mind, something had to slip. For the first time ever, my life, my passion, my love for track, was fading away from me like a dream.
Could it be I will never succeed in track again? All my happiness and achievements just down the drain? No. I couldn't let that happen. I realized if track was being pulled away from me, I needed to snatch it back before it was too late. Instead of moping around and sulking, I bounced back, training harder than before. Like my dad always said, "Track is a marathon. There will be a long journey ahead of you." In the summer, prior to my track season of junior year, I was committed to training everyday with my trainer and eating healthier. I devoted myself to this task and when all was said and done, I managed to succeed. At the end of the summer, I had a speed test with my trainer. To my surprise, I managed to sprint 4.76 seconds in the 40m. dash which was awfully fast for a girl. Things started to look good.
By the time junior track season rolled around, I was set. Even though I carried a heavy weight upon my shoulders from all my worries about the future, I sensed a good track season would still be present. Unfortunately, a hapless event took a toll at the beginning of my season. For what started out as a minor strain in the left quad, soon became a tear as the season progressed. Unable to allow the injury to fully heal, I was incapable of competing at my full ability. To my dismay, I was unable to finish the season. Unable to reveal my potential, I was filled with frustration and anger. All my hard work and dedication, down the drain, like it never happened.
As time progressed, everything finally became evident. Even though I was once blinded by devastation and hate from my failure, I finally realized my accomplishment. Although I was unsuccessful during my track season, I was still able to achieve one thing: perseverance. I will continue to work hard in everything I do. What ever obstacles life throws at me, I know I will be able to endure it. This is just the beginning.
All suggestions are welcome. Please feel free to add or take anything out that is necessary. Please help me!!
Prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
Pursuance
Bang! The gun went off. I took off like a fired cannon, blowing around the corner, tearing up the track as I went. Nothing could stop me. Moments later, I found myself at the finish line trying to catch my breath. I gazed up at the enormous screen embedded with my time. Gaping at the screen for what seemed like a millennium, I tried to scramble for words. Nothing came out but a scream of delight. I, Michelle Nemeth, a freshman on the Central Valley High School track team, had just qualified for the state championships in the 200m. dash.
I remembered being in a jovial mood that day, but could this sensation last forever? Two years have passed, and I am now a junior. Things have definitely changed. I am no longer the naive freshmen I once was. I am someone who has given a lot of thought about the future. I am someone who is concerned about their academics. I am someone who no longer thinks like a child. I am now a mature, young adult. Having so much on my mind, something had to slip. For the first time ever, my life, my passion, my love for track, was fading away from me like a dream.
Could it be I will never succeed in track again? All my happiness and achievements just down the drain? No. I couldn't let that happen. I realized if track was being pulled away from me, I needed to snatch it back before it was too late. Instead of moping around and sulking, I bounced back, training harder than before. Like my dad always said, "Track is a marathon. There will be a long journey ahead of you." In the summer, prior to my track season of junior year, I was committed to training everyday with my trainer and eating healthier. I devoted myself to this task and when all was said and done, I managed to succeed. At the end of the summer, I had a speed test with my trainer. To my surprise, I managed to sprint 4.76 seconds in the 40m. dash which was awfully fast for a girl. Things started to look good.
By the time junior track season rolled around, I was set. Even though I carried a heavy weight upon my shoulders from all my worries about the future, I sensed a good track season would still be present. Unfortunately, a hapless event took a toll at the beginning of my season. For what started out as a minor strain in the left quad, soon became a tear as the season progressed. Unable to allow the injury to fully heal, I was incapable of competing at my full ability. To my dismay, I was unable to finish the season. Unable to reveal my potential, I was filled with frustration and anger. All my hard work and dedication, down the drain, like it never happened.
As time progressed, everything finally became evident. Even though I was once blinded by devastation and hate from my failure, I finally realized my accomplishment. Although I was unsuccessful during my track season, I was still able to achieve one thing: perseverance. I will continue to work hard in everything I do. What ever obstacles life throws at me, I know I will be able to endure it. This is just the beginning.
