Sabina123
Sep 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Gangs as neighbors' - Bridgequest Struggle Essay [3]
This is really good. Very inspirational. But there are a few tweeks here and there that need to be made.
- There should be a comma (,) on the first line. " When you've lived in neighborhoods controlled by gangs, the words "Tomorrow isn't promised today" are taken serious."
- Since you're writing in the past tense, everything should be consistent. "More months that passedby my mother became tired of me and the circumstances I asgettinginto". There's a mixture of past and present tense here. There's also a spelling mistake. "Many months passed. My mother became tired of me and that circumstances I got into"
- "The people in my neighborhood I had been fighting for couldn't even open their doors so I could have a place to lay my head" This sentence lacks structure. Can't think of a way to improve it at the moment. Sorry.
- "Over the years that have passed I've lost many friends and family to the courts and the graveyards about something as minuteand insignificant as what neighborhood werefrom" Don't understand what you are trying to say there. Something as small as minutes maybe? The "were" should be "we're"; grammatical error.
- "I used to adore the respect on the streets could do for you" You missed out the 'what' after 'adore'. Makes more sense.
Hope this helps a little. I'm not a very good writer myself:/
This is really good. Very inspirational. But there are a few tweeks here and there that need to be made.
- There should be a comma (,) on the first line. " When you've lived in neighborhoods controlled by gangs, the words "Tomorrow isn't promised today" are taken serious."
- Since you're writing in the past tense, everything should be consistent. "More months that passedby my mother became tired of me and the circumstances I asgettinginto". There's a mixture of past and present tense here. There's also a spelling mistake. "Many months passed. My mother became tired of me and that circumstances I got into"
- "The people in my neighborhood I had been fighting for couldn't even open their doors so I could have a place to lay my head" This sentence lacks structure. Can't think of a way to improve it at the moment. Sorry.
- "Over the years that have passed I've lost many friends and family to the courts and the graveyards about something as minuteand insignificant as what neighborhood werefrom" Don't understand what you are trying to say there. Something as small as minutes maybe? The "were" should be "we're"; grammatical error.
- "I used to adore the respect on the streets could do for you" You missed out the 'what' after 'adore'. Makes more sense.
Hope this helps a little. I'm not a very good writer myself:/
