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Posts by Chrisjoochun
Joined: Sep 22, 2012
Last Post: Jan 3, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 7  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 9
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Chrisjoochun   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Respect other cultures & ethinicities; Texas A&M - "Inextinguishable Hate" [7]

REVISED

There is a form of abhorrent illness that runs through the veins of this nation. The epidemic ceases to stop spreading. From one victim to another, racism takes control of the host's mind and tongue and disperses its disgusting messages and hurtful notions to others and their victims, the minority groups. Throughout my life, I have been able to see the extremities of racism and the negative atmosphere it only brings to society.

I have witnessed individuals that were discriminated not by the quality of their personality, but by the pigment of their skins. Weekly fights were held after school between separate "cliques" to see which "skin color" was the most prominent and powerful. One week was labeled "[Black] vs. [Mexican]" and another was labeled "[Asian] vs. [White]" and the list went on and on, new opponents, new fights, but only the same detrimental outcome. Is this any way to compare prominence and prestige? It was only a bunch of middle school kids that were hoping to set ground for their race and to radiate their juvenile strength by pummeling other students. This was not any better than a civil war. The actions put forth by the adolescents that participated in the treacherous fights did not produce any form of justice, new freedom, or any positive results.

Just because this heinous villain seems to be immortal, there is still a way solve it. Education is the most viable solution that can out racism. In the US, there is a wide variety of religions, cultures, ethnicities, values, and so forth; that is the beauty of America. Through years of experiences and interactions with numerous people from different states, each holding separate principals and beliefs, I have come to realize the importance of diversity and how its contribution to the uniqueness of the society. We wield so much potential to unite this country, whose lands are populated with immeasurable amount of people from across the world, but yet we squander about finding reasons to reject and dislike another's ethnicity.

If every citizen of Earth can conceive, perceive, and accept the principles of another culture, then what room do we have left to misjudge and hate? Truly understanding about one and another's culture and values will substantially decrease the heartless threats and continuous rants about how one race is inferior, superior, or barbaric to another. However, I am not demanding the need for everyone to learn about the uncountable amount of cultures scattered around the corners of Earth, instead we should simply stop scorning someone based on their culture and ethnicity. Racism plays as a divider in our society, but if we can finally abrogate this abominate act, society will be restored and finally strengthen together rather than tearing itself apart.
Chrisjoochun   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Bus Driver & Helping Others ; COMMON APP [4]

"The purple and gold themed room, filled with smiling parents, had a hue-ish glow" - hue-ish glow does not make sense. Would make more sense if it were " The purple and gold themed room, filled with smiling parents, was filled with a colorful tone" or something along those lines.

"It is true that community service helps in fostering a passion; I discovered mine while volunteering as summer camp counselor." - You forgot the 'a' I presume. 'It is true that community service helps in fostering a passion; I discovered mine while volunteering as a summer camp counselor'

"I had the usual job of:" - No need for the semi colon.

I'm unsure what message you're trying to convey through this essay. Is it that you would just like to help people? I thought it would be something like you pursuing a career in the medical field haha.

Nonetheless, your essay runs smoothly and grammar isn't my best, but it seems to be just fine.
Chrisjoochun   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / Respect other cultures & ethinicities; Texas A&M - "Inextinguishable Hate" [7]

Inextinguishable Hate
There is a form of abhorrent illness that runs through the veins of this nation. The epidemic ceases to stop spreading. From one victim to another, racism takes control of the host's mind and tongue and disperses its disgusting messages and hurtful notions to others and their victims, the minority groups. Throughout my life, I have been able to see the extremities of racism and the negative atmosphere it only brings to society.

I have witnessed individuals that were discriminated not by the quality of their personality, but by the pigment of their skins. Weekly fights were held after school between separate "cliques" to see which "skin color" was the most prominent and powerful. One week was labeled "[Black] vs. [Mexican]" and another was labeled "[Asian] vs. [White]" and the list went on and on, new opponents, new fights, but only the same detrimental outcome. Is this any way to compare prominence and prestige? It was only a bunch of middle school kids that were hoping to set ground for their race and to radiate their juvenile strength by pummeling other students. This was not any better than a civil war. The actions put forth by the adolescents that participated in the treacherous fights did not produce any form of justice, new freedom, or any positive results.

Just because this heinous villain seems to be immortal, there is still a way solve it. The most viable solution that can, or most hopefully drown out racism, is education. In the US, there is a wide variety of religions, cultures, ethnicities, values, and so forth; that is the beauty of America. Through years of experiences and interactions with numerous people from different states, each holding separate principals and beliefs, I have come to realize the importance of diversity and how unique it can make society. We wield so much potential to unite this country, whose lands are populated with immeasurable amount of people from across the world, but yet we squander about finding reasons to reject and dislike another's ethnicity.

If every citizen of Earth can conceive, perceive, and accept the principles of another culture, then what room do we have left to misjudge and hate? Truly understanding about one and another's culture and values will substantially decrease the heartless threats and continuous rants about how one race is inferior, superior, or barbaric to another. However, I am not demanding the need for everyone to learn about the uncountable amount of cultures scattered around the corners of Earth, instead we should simply stop scorning someone based on their culture and ethnicity.

- Christopher Pak Yi
Chrisjoochun   
Jan 2, 2013
Essays / Bigger - Stronger - Faster; Differences Between The Male and Female Brain [3]

"The second difference between the male and female brains is how their memory's work". - Should substitute 'second' with 'another', because in the following sentence you say 'first'. Just something that I would personally do, but if you think it works, then be my guest.

"The third difference between the male and female brain is how ow their brains process the information" - is the 'ow' a typo?

You use a lot of number transitions which throws me off a bit; it just seems to frequent. By number transition, I mean like "First of all" or "Secondly" or "Third/Second difference".

Good facts though! Cheers for that
Chrisjoochun   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / "My Biggest Cheerleader - My Father"; Common App - Person who made an impact [4]

Maybe for the first sentence in the first paragraph, you could change merge it with the second sentence - for example "Lights flickered on followed by a familiar voice"

"One vivid memory stands out, how year after year for four years" - sounds a little redundant. We can change it to 'One vivid memory stands out, how after four consecutive years'

Perhaps we can also start a new paragraph when you start to talk about your English course.

Keep trying to post more editions of your newly revised essay; I will try to look at them more
Chrisjoochun   
Sep 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Texas A&M - "Psychological Breakthrough" [3]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll read through yours and provide some as well.
If anyone else is reading my essay, feel free to comment about any mistakes or things that I did well! It would help me a lot.
Chrisjoochun   
Sep 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Texas A&M - "Psychological Breakthrough" [3]

Topic A. (required)
Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Psychological Breakthrough

Before the 5th grade, I never knew that it was unconventional to only have one parent. I lacked of education about the human anatomy and physiology, until I entered my last year of elementary school year. I had a tiny grasp about the reproduction system, but I reached an epiphany; two individuals were required to have produced me. Discovering this abrupt truth, I couldn't help but selfishly wonder where my father was and what accomplishment he had in store by leaving me. My mind was filled with rubbles of questions, assumptions, guilt, and sorrow.

Later that dismal afternoon, I decided to confront my mother about where my biological father (in my 3rd grade year my mother got remarried) was. Just running through the scenario and repeating those questions in my mind accelerated my heart beat to an unmatchable pace. Finally I said, "mom, where is my dad?" and with a look of disappointment and confusion she stared at me with her furrowed brows and pressured eyes. She glumly approached me and whispered me to sit down, but she didn't have to because at that moment I felt faint and blurred with all the blood slushing in my mushed cranium. She explained to me that seeing him would be impossible because "he is sleeping under the earth's cold, depressing soil". Then without a moments delay, she quickly looked down and walked in gloomy fashion out of the room. I didn't understand what she meant at that time, that he was "sleeping under the earth's soil", but how she left me with more questions left me restless.

With age comes knowledge, and with knowledge comes answers. During my middle school years I have finally deciphered the puzzling answer my mother left me with a few years ago. Discovering truths does not only grant happiness, I've learned this the tough way. It endorsed me with grief, heavy depression, and confinement within my own self. Socializing seemed impossible, because I could not endure the thought of happiness with the thought of my father's spontaneous death. Later on in my middle school years I've learned about divorce and listened to stories about how other adolescents experienced the grief of losing a parent, explaining how they would cherish the moments that they spent together and the difficult shift in lifestyle.

As the seed of maturity harmoniously flourished inside me, my mind also grew more eclectic and I've started rustling out of the grasp of depression. I interacted with others and learned where other forms of sorrow derive from. Intermingling with classmates by sharing experiences developed a brighter and more optimistic perception of life and forever forged a more promising future for me. The bonds I share with a tremendous amount of unique individuals are not forgotten, but cherished dearly and are engraved in my memories. The death of my father molded me into an incredible person with a strong outlook of the future.

Tragic events take place, but it is for us to decide if whether it will break us, mend us, or develop us. I collapsed under the dying truth at first, causing it to dictate my life fashion and prevented me from socially interacting with other member in this spontaneous, half demented world, but I was able to rip through the thorny holds of my desolating life style and advance with a grand life experience. Even though my deceased father was never able to physically support or conduct me through life's difficult and hindering paths, he taught me how essential growing up and conquering obstacles is more than anyone would be able to teach me.
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