Xmsamurai
Oct 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Describe a moment when your perspective changed' - Brown University Supplement [5]
Can I have more input?
Can I have more input?
Xmsamurai
Oct 11, 2012
Undergraduate / "To be a Meteorologist' Common App Essay help? Need an opinion/edit [2]
Your essay Does a lot more telling than showing. You should rewrite it to show instead of tell.
For example, you write:
We primarily focused on the Great Kills area of Staten Island and educated its residents on actions to take during flash floods, which often occurs on Amboy Road. We built a large sign that said, "TURN AROUND, DON'T DROWN" (which was later posted on the overpass above the danger area). A flash flood is very fast, dangerous and powerful, and when it occurs, drivers can unknowingly drive their cars into the hazardous rising water, causing accidents and stalled vehicles. This sign would warn people to stay away when a flash flood warning was in effect.
Your entire essay reads like... I did this, I did that, a flash flood is this, etc. You should reword it to say something more introspective.
Can you read my essay?
Your essay Does a lot more telling than showing. You should rewrite it to show instead of tell.
For example, you write:
We primarily focused on the Great Kills area of Staten Island and educated its residents on actions to take during flash floods, which often occurs on Amboy Road. We built a large sign that said, "TURN AROUND, DON'T DROWN" (which was later posted on the overpass above the danger area). A flash flood is very fast, dangerous and powerful, and when it occurs, drivers can unknowingly drive their cars into the hazardous rising water, causing accidents and stalled vehicles. This sign would warn people to stay away when a flash flood warning was in effect.
Your entire essay reads like... I did this, I did that, a flash flood is this, etc. You should reword it to say something more introspective.
Can you read my essay?
Xmsamurai
Oct 7, 2012
Undergraduate / Momma's Boy- Common App Essay; 'We have the same mannerisms, facial expressions' [4]
Be careful with this essay... It seems slightly generic. Imagine how many other people love their moms and how many moms influence their child's lives for the better.
Also, it makes you seem a bit boring because adcoms might think you have nothing unique to write.
Can you read mine please?
Be careful with this essay... It seems slightly generic. Imagine how many other people love their moms and how many moms influence their child's lives for the better.
Also, it makes you seem a bit boring because adcoms might think you have nothing unique to write.
Can you read mine please?
Xmsamurai
Oct 7, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Activities Short Answer; 'My fingers rested on button' [4]
Hereare some grammar changes to make it sound better
weapon at any second
leaned forward, our minds racing, hearts beating fast
meeting among few people
Awkward sounding in my opinion
without enough funding foror even proper equipment
It just sounds better this way
In terms of content suggestions
I am fortunate to have enjoyed such a great intellectual experience and watch as my team overcome adversity with other teams, despite the lack of support.
I don't think you have to state this because you already show it in your narrative
I don't have much to Else to add... This essay shows dedication, and drive to create a new club.
Hereare some grammar changes to make it sound better
weapon at any second
leaned forward, our minds racing, hearts beating fast
meeting among few people
Awkward sounding in my opinion
without enough funding for
It just sounds better this way
In terms of content suggestions
I am fortunate to have enjoyed such a great intellectual experience and watch as my team overcome adversity with other teams, despite the lack of support.
I don't think you have to state this because you already show it in your narrative
I don't have much to Else to add... This essay shows dedication, and drive to create a new club.
Xmsamurai
Oct 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Describe a moment when your perspective changed' - Brown University Supplement [5]
Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.
***Please not that I have removed the town and school names.
My hometown is one of those close-knit, rural towns where people would comment about how big I've grown or that they liked my family's yearly Thanksgiving card whenever I went to church or the grocery store. One of those towns where neighbors are extensions of family, and they always look out for one another. In my homogenous community of two thousand villagers, there were only a handful of minorities.
As I grew older, it dawned on me that I was different. I was not like the others, I was not white. I had darker hair, eyes, and skin than my peers, courtesy of my parents, who emigrated to the US from the Philippines when they were students. In my middle school of about one hundred students per grade, I was the only "Asian kid". Because of these differences, I thought that I was somehow "special". I wore my ethnicity with pride, espousing "Filipino pride" by celebrating historical and contemporary Filipino national heroes like Jose Rizal and Manny Pacquiao.
It was not until later that I realized I knew nothing about being Filipino.
When I moved to CT, I enrolled in the local high school for my sophomore year. I was impressed by its statistics - there were over two thousand students and many of them are ethnic minorities. It was such a stark contrast to Rouses Point and I excitedly anticipated meeting people of all different races, especially "fellow Asians".
I soon met some "Asian kids" in the first few weeks of school. I was shocked by how different they were to me. Most of them spoke another language at home. I could speak only one language: English. They ate ethnic foods at home. I hardly ever ate Filipino food.
Was I truly one of them? Did race and ethnicity decide my identity? Or was my identity determined by experiences, living situations, and upbringing? From what I experienced, the latter proved to be true. Even though I was ethnically "Asian", I was more similar to those of my hometown.
Sculptor Jacques Lipchitz once said, "Cubism is like standing at a certain point on a mountain and looking around. If you go higher, things will look different; if you go lower, again they will look different. It is a point of view." With this in mind, describe a moment when your perspective changed.
***Please not that I have removed the town and school names.
My hometown is one of those close-knit, rural towns where people would comment about how big I've grown or that they liked my family's yearly Thanksgiving card whenever I went to church or the grocery store. One of those towns where neighbors are extensions of family, and they always look out for one another. In my homogenous community of two thousand villagers, there were only a handful of minorities.
As I grew older, it dawned on me that I was different. I was not like the others, I was not white. I had darker hair, eyes, and skin than my peers, courtesy of my parents, who emigrated to the US from the Philippines when they were students. In my middle school of about one hundred students per grade, I was the only "Asian kid". Because of these differences, I thought that I was somehow "special". I wore my ethnicity with pride, espousing "Filipino pride" by celebrating historical and contemporary Filipino national heroes like Jose Rizal and Manny Pacquiao.
It was not until later that I realized I knew nothing about being Filipino.
When I moved to CT, I enrolled in the local high school for my sophomore year. I was impressed by its statistics - there were over two thousand students and many of them are ethnic minorities. It was such a stark contrast to Rouses Point and I excitedly anticipated meeting people of all different races, especially "fellow Asians".
I soon met some "Asian kids" in the first few weeks of school. I was shocked by how different they were to me. Most of them spoke another language at home. I could speak only one language: English. They ate ethnic foods at home. I hardly ever ate Filipino food.
Was I truly one of them? Did race and ethnicity decide my identity? Or was my identity determined by experiences, living situations, and upbringing? From what I experienced, the latter proved to be true. Even though I was ethnically "Asian", I was more similar to those of my hometown.