Undergraduate / Stanford -- what matters to you: my torchlight [3]

I like this, but talk more directly. Make your essay speak. For example, "Just this February, I located a drowning man using my pelican after which I was able to dive in and pull him to safety." It sounds technical and bureaucratic like you're writing a report for the government. In Feb, my pelican illuminated a man drowning; I dove in and pulled him to safety." Also, I assume by the english and content that you're not American. I would bring this out in your essay. Like... As a firefighter in Mumbai...

The ending:

"Like in the aforementioned example, it provides a vita.." Ditch "like...example." Just start: it provides a vital...

"it provides a vital resource - light - which if without, I would be impotent at my true passion: lifesaving. " ----> it provides a vital resource -- light. Without light my true passion, lifesaving, would be thwarted." impotent in american english is almost always about sex, so saying impotent about my passion of lifesaving, could be interpreted to mean that you find saving lives sexually arousing.

As a firefighter I regularly encounter death and occasionally I have walked the fine line between it and life. However I believe these experiences gave me the courage to put my own life as collateral for others as well as give me the wisdom to appreciate the merit of even an unassuming torchlight. ---->I find these experiences give me the courage to use my own life as collateral and give me the wisdom to appreciate my little, graffitied, unassuming tourchlight.

Graduate / (A black female from a struggling middle class' - Diversity Statement [3]

It's really good on many levels: revealing yourself, saying diversity is more than a check box, supporting what you say with examples. It's very good.

The only critique, if any, was that it might be helpful to mention any legal involvement involved with the assault, if only in passing e.g.,..." the fear, pain, and anguish that this crime evoked and the legal fallout." Also, the 80 thousand hours claim seems questionable because if you were involved in athletics 8 hours a day, 356 days a year -- it take you 27 years or so.

Undergraduate / 'I am African' If I could Lend My Heart Words [4]

This is beautiful. Quite unique, and so intellectual. But I'm not sure it's the best for an admissions essay. It's a high risk type of essay because the admissions officer needs to really slow down, read it carefully, and digest. It also wonders a little bit. You say you're African based on two things the Dippo Yoo rite and riding in the trotro. But they're somewhat disconnected, and random. They should to be connected. So a sentence like, 'every time i return home, the rituals of every day life tell me I am african' before you begin with the two examples would serve to link them.

Some more targeted thoughts on the piece itself:

Be careful with the vocab. Make sure things work. For example, lucid is almost always about images not sounds.
amoral blight of the contemporary African's soul. --> this is very strong. it sounds very judgey. is this really what you want?
alliances-->allies
his roots--> its roots
... that deserves better judgement than its cover entitles it to -- rephrase here. akward.
explain what a trotro is when first bring it up.

I also give an example of making the intro a little spiffier: If only my heart could speak. If only I could vocalize in 500 words what 18 years have failed to understand. Even now I find the prospect impossible, unintelligible even. Yet I have managed to salvage this much from the confounding abyss of self - I am African.

Conclusion:
I would really try to get a very experienced teacher to look at this. It really needs a talented hand. One other thing I would flag is that the whole essay says in the end: I am African. But what else? You know who you are, but what are your dreams? what do you believe in ? who do you want to be? Make sure some other essays or what have you covers this. At the end of the day, very very few people can write this well. Especially guys. And especially African guys. I am assuming you're going for HYPs of the world and you should go for it. You're writing is wonderful; I can only imagine how it develop throughout college and beyond.

Undergraduate / 'Intelligent conversations, fervor for discovery..' Short answer for Brown University [10]

Glad to help! Yeah, I think it's much better. A couple more points:

a) Intro, I think the image of a coffee maker "pumping" doesn't quite work. Figure out what sound it actually makes gurgling, dripping whatever and use it. Is the cardboard cup thing important? I'm confused by it. Most coffee shops use the cardboard cups.

b) ad the name of a good psych journal (or could do the generic Nature or Science), and also ad back in NPR. It's sooo good.

c) I would tweak the so excited to go to college statement to: Without a doubt, that is why I am so adamant to go to Brown. Make them think they're your one true love!

d) At Brown, all the resources I need to have the life I love and thrive in with the regulars at Barnes & Noble are there and ripe for the picking. -- this line needs work. good idea but doesn't quite work -- the regulars -- phrase is confusing.

Show this to other people and get their thoughts. When you write these essays you gots to be shameless :)

Undergraduate / 'chronic medical condition' - Common App: A significant experience [2]

Tough topic to pull off. You did it well! The line: Cancer changed our relationship, and I was forced to change as well. Brilliant.

Here are my thoughts:

1) The essay is about you. So nix the beginning about him being told he has cancer. It's distracting. Write how he told you he had cancer.

2) More details. For example, instead of we couldn't play outside, say no more pickup basketball or park soccer.

3) The penultimate paragraph needs work. a) show don't tell, e.g., learned to respond effectively to adversity and demonstrated resilience no matter how difficult the situation... sounds bad. what does that mean? b) details : e.g., my own chronic medical condition [what is it?]

4) Punchier ending. I like shorter sentences to make a point. For example:
Cancer cut Ian's life short. Had it not, I believe there is a good chance we would be going off to college together. His name may never appear on a diploma, but the values and lessons Ian taught me and his indomitable spirit will accompany me throughout my entire life.

I really like this, and it's just such a strong story; it's bound to get remembered by the admissions officer. Just ad a few tweaks to make it even stronger.

Undergraduate / 'Intelligent conversations, fervor for discovery..' Short answer for Brown University [10]

I like this, but it could use some sprucing up.

First, it is unclear that you're at a coffee shop right away. You should make that more clear. Also, drop the thing about Drew learning your names months ago. It kills the flow and isn't really relevant.

Second -- and most significant -- there a bunch of places where you could use colorful details to make the essay stronger. Eg., I recognize most of the people here, all falling under the category of middle aged or elderly with maybe a few college students straggling about. Could be re written: I recognize most of the people here, Judy the white haired grandma, John the baby boomer hippie. Eg., ..we talk about the classics... could be 'we debate whether Thucydides or Herodotus tells a better history.' Show detail, just don't tell. Obviously, word count is an issue here, but kill everything that doesn't make your essay much stronger so that you can put in the details that do.

Third, watch out for tone. You say ...what I'm missing with my own public education and classmates: Intelligent conversations,... This sounds like you're talking smack and judging others (even if its true). It's hard to believe that in an entire school there is no one (teacher, classmate, custodian) who is capable of intelligent conversation; and, it's not very Brown (I actually went there -- and loved it -- which is why i am writing).

But overall this is good! It's quirky and unique and shows you've researched your school with the Royce mention.