bryetkd
Jan 1, 2013
Writing Feedback / DIVORCE AND ITS EFFECT IN THE SOCIETY. [4]
Here's the edited version-comments are in brackets)
Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays and is also the most common issue in the modern world. With the increased rate of divorce, the pace of emotional instability and crime rate is also quickening..While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime.
*[Just a thought you do not have to but...your thesis may want to be more argumentative.You may want it to say something more specific. In other words: "While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime."]
*[Is this all referring to just the children? if so you can remove "the". Since you mention that divorce effects the development of children, you don't need to say "interference." You can explain that later. You may or may not want to add additional commas]
It is divorce that has an impact on not only their families but also their own children. And children are likely to be the most painful victims in this battle. It effects both their feelings and minds. Some kids avoid all forms of social interaction and soon become immersed in their sadness. This makes them very fearful and worried by nature.
*[Based on Transition in previous paragraph this sentence sounds repetitive.You may want to add something to this sentence that will present a new idea such as mentioning it affects kids more than it does the whole family]
Moreover, there are times when children feel so much anger because of divorce that they resort to committing crimes and taking drugs as a way of dealing with or channeling their anger. As a result many such children have higher chances of becoming delinquents. During the divorce, most children are also unable to concentrate on their studies.. The circumstances surrounding the divorce often make it hard for the child to focus on academic goals. In such cases, children are bound to lose their self-confidence and lose all motivation to study.
*[Again just something that you may want to change the wording for or not, it doesn't really matter:"resort to criminal behavior and drug abuse"]
Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about. But, divorce can be a positive thing when the marriage is in high conflict and the children are exposed to be in an environment where they see a lack of respect and trust. Often when the child has been a victim of domestic violence, that child will grow to be bitter, with a pessimistic outlook on life, disliking societies' vices. Surely, a child removed from such an environment, will be able to lead a better life. That is a positive side.
*[Could say "Understandably, most people of a divorce as always negative. The negative aspects of a divorce are more apparent and easier to understand." instead of Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about]
In conclusion, it is high time that society do something to preserve the sanctity of marriage. For if the rate of divorces continue to increase at such an alarming rate, society itself would be adulterated. And people would lose faith in the stability of love, marriage and long lasting relationships, making life very stressful.
*[Never say in conclusion, many teachers, especially in high school and college, hate that. ]
*[if you say "will be" it sounds better and you sound like you are an authority on the subject. I suggest you say will be. Also you might want to choose another word (instead of adulterated) or at least describe what you mean by adulterated.]
HOPE THIS HELPS :D
Here's the edited version-comments are in brackets)
Divorce seems to be more socially acceptable nowadays and is also the most common issue in the modern world. With the increased rate of divorce, the pace of emotional instability and crime rate is also quickening..While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime.
*[Just a thought you do not have to but...your thesis may want to be more argumentative.You may want it to say something more specific. In other words: "While a divorce is clearly harmful to family morale, it is crippling to the development of the children, and is connected to increased crime."]
*[Is this all referring to just the children? if so you can remove "the". Since you mention that divorce effects the development of children, you don't need to say "interference." You can explain that later. You may or may not want to add additional commas]
It is divorce that has an impact on not only their families but also their own children. And children are likely to be the most painful victims in this battle. It effects both their feelings and minds. Some kids avoid all forms of social interaction and soon become immersed in their sadness. This makes them very fearful and worried by nature.
*[Based on Transition in previous paragraph this sentence sounds repetitive.You may want to add something to this sentence that will present a new idea such as mentioning it affects kids more than it does the whole family]
Moreover, there are times when children feel so much anger because of divorce that they resort to committing crimes and taking drugs as a way of dealing with or channeling their anger. As a result many such children have higher chances of becoming delinquents. During the divorce, most children are also unable to concentrate on their studies.. The circumstances surrounding the divorce often make it hard for the child to focus on academic goals. In such cases, children are bound to lose their self-confidence and lose all motivation to study.
*[Again just something that you may want to change the wording for or not, it doesn't really matter:"resort to criminal behavior and drug abuse"]
Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about. But, divorce can be a positive thing when the marriage is in high conflict and the children are exposed to be in an environment where they see a lack of respect and trust. Often when the child has been a victim of domestic violence, that child will grow to be bitter, with a pessimistic outlook on life, disliking societies' vices. Surely, a child removed from such an environment, will be able to lead a better life. That is a positive side.
*[Could say "Understandably, most people of a divorce as always negative. The negative aspects of a divorce are more apparent and easier to understand." instead of Most people think that there is nothing positive about divorce as the negative effects are more obvious and talked about]
In conclusion, it is high time that society do something to preserve the sanctity of marriage. For if the rate of divorces continue to increase at such an alarming rate, society itself would be adulterated. And people would lose faith in the stability of love, marriage and long lasting relationships, making life very stressful.
*[Never say in conclusion, many teachers, especially in high school and college, hate that. ]
*[if you say "will be" it sounds better and you sound like you are an authority on the subject. I suggest you say will be. Also you might want to choose another word (instead of adulterated) or at least describe what you mean by adulterated.]
HOPE THIS HELPS :D