Delxysic
Oct 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Yearbook staff and dancing' - COMMON APP [6]
Hello again! I might suggest that you stick to one top or find better transitions between your ideas. As of the moment, you essay seems to drift from one topic to another without much warning. Also, some parts are confusing such as: "My beginning step is my family. When I say family, I do not mean my dad, mom and two brothers, I mean my entire extended family of fifty or sixty. In my community, we don't have a word for cousin, we only have words for brother and sister. I have twenty-four brothers and sisters, as well as my thirty-three aunts and uncles that I can count on no matter what." You said you had two brothers and now you have twenty-four siblings? I kind of see that you are getting to a point that in your community you call everyone brother or sister. To clarify this, just give a little explanation as to how your community is. Hope this helps
Hello again! I might suggest that you stick to one top or find better transitions between your ideas. As of the moment, you essay seems to drift from one topic to another without much warning. Also, some parts are confusing such as: "My beginning step is my family. When I say family, I do not mean my dad, mom and two brothers, I mean my entire extended family of fifty or sixty. In my community, we don't have a word for cousin, we only have words for brother and sister. I have twenty-four brothers and sisters, as well as my thirty-three aunts and uncles that I can count on no matter what." You said you had two brothers and now you have twenty-four siblings? I kind of see that you are getting to a point that in your community you call everyone brother or sister. To clarify this, just give a little explanation as to how your community is. Hope this helps