Undergraduate /
'Unique academics and community service' - UC-Prompt 1 (Story to tell) [2]
Topic-wise, your essay has been done by many others. If I changed the name printed on your app, I could be talking about myself. Immigrating to another country, financial issues during childhood, a rickety home, its all very similar.
From your essay I can tell that your a very knowledgeable and educated person. Your diction is well-used and executed. However, your personal statement lacks the "personal" part. Don't get me wrong, I can very much sympathize with your difficulties. However, seeing that there is about 100,000 applicants every year for each UC, certain topics are very much overused. Therefore, your whole story depends on how you tell it .
Your use of high-level, sat-worthy vocabulary is impressive but it might come off as pretentious to admission officers. Is that honestly how you speak in real life? If it is then good for you, but I would avoid it on the personal statement. Your essay is very well organized but it lacks focus. I understand that there are many things you want to say to make sure that the people reading your essay can get a good idea of who you are. However, instead of trying to put every aspect of your life on paper, talk about one thing that really sums up how you want to be seen and just run with it.
However, if your like me and you want them to know as much as they can about yourself, at least try to make the transitions between your life at home, school, and community service flow better.
Always remember that you are trying to tell a story, try to captivate the reader and not make it sound like your just throwing random facts out. I am also a uc applicant and I've written this way and was told by many teachers, college counselors, and previous graduates that I sounded "cocky." Many of them say that in the effort to impress, we lose the aspects of being genuine and honest.
Anyways, good luck with your essay. You're a really good writer and I can tell that you must have impressed many of your English teachers, but try to be more personal in your essay.