Undergraduate / UIUC essay "THE DREAM LIVES ON" - tell us something about yourself [2]

Essay: In no more than 300 words, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

THE DREAM LIVES ON
As I entered the building, I could see many recognized faces/people in there: people whom I have read or heard about in the newspapers or televisions and even people who were Nobel Laureates. You might be wondering this must be a reality show or an important scientific conference, but this was just the orientation program of the highly esteemed Silva Health Magnet School and only few people from El Paso, Texas got admitted into it. I felt myself proud to be a part of it. There were students coming from all over Texas/There were students coming from the big cities of New York and Chicago to the farthest region of Alaska and Hawaii! I really liked it there because all of us had similar interests and goals and I made many friends by the time the orientation started.

The orientation commenced with a video which showed the association of the school with Thompson Hospital, benefits of a medical career, job satisfaction etc. The video was very engaging and one thing that was clear was that being a doctor is a great way to help people: exactly what I want to do. The satisfaction of helping someone, e.g. the feeling of a child who is dying of cancer who then hugs you and says "thank you for treating me", cannot be matched by any other profession. By the time the orientation ended, I felt like I was a doctor myself (I was like where are the patients?). I was really excited to study at that school but sadly I had to come back for personal family problems. That didn't dispirit my hopes of becoming a doctor. I have worked diligently throughout my high school and I hope to achieve my goal by studying at the MCB department of UIUC.

I feel that I've ended the essay a bit too abruptly, so I need help with the ending. Did I describe too much of the situation rather than myself? If I did, then please give suggestions on how to overcome this problem.

Undergraduate / 'My coach and team mates' - University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign [5]

Essay: In no more than 300 words, tell us something about yourself that isn't covered elsewhere in this application, some interest or experience of yours that you think the University of Illinois should know about as part of the admissions review.

"PASS PASS I'M FREE HERE"!! The ball came racing to me but so did the sliding tackle. The sliding tackle was a harsh one and it was almost unavoidable. The cleats of the boot made a pretty deep gash in my ankle region, and my sock became a reddish color from the blood coming out.

I saw my coach signalling for a substitution but I wasn't ready for it because it was the final of the inter-school soccer championship. I looked at the scoreboard (we were 2-0 down) and I knew that the team needed me to win this game; after all I was the captain. I made a gesture to the coach that I was okay (obviously I wasn't!) and that I would continue playing. In this tense situation, I somehow managed to remain calm and composed and delivered the instructions from the coach to the players. We did a group huddle and cheered ourselves up. Our opponent was the best in the region and we knew we had a massive task in front of us.

Soon after, we managed to score a goal thanks to a blunder by their goalkeeper. There was only 20 minutes left in the game and I knew a draw would only mean defeat because we were the worst in penalties! It seemed like time kept running because there was only 5 minutes left. A swift counter-attack and I was free with only the goalkeeper to beat. I became very nervous as I wasn't very good at finishing. A state of ambivalence surrounded me. Knowing how much this means to our team, I maintained my composure and calmly passed the ball to the striker who made an easy finish in the end. YES we were level with only 4 minutes to go!!

I warned my teammates of complacency and told them to remain focused and composed for the remaining time. Our opponents were desperate for the win and they came out at us with full force. We defended brilliantly and we got our reward when our right winger, Jony, made a sensational run down the right flank and provided an early cross to the center. I slid for the ball and made the slightest of touch with the cleats of my boot which was enough to send the ball crawling home.(how did I come forward?) YES we did it!! I couldn't believe it. I even pinched myself to see if all this was real. I didn't even feel the pain in my ankle because I was so involved in the game.

We were definitely the underdogs but this game actually made me realize that nothing is impossible. If we have a little determination and believe in ourselves, we can achieve anything. Some people think that someone needs to do the impossible task for them to think they can do it, but it is that "someone" that we need to be.

I showed it to some of my friends and they said it was too simple. Need suggestions on how to make it better or unique.