Undergraduate / "The Velvet Curtain" - College Admission Essay (HELP) [5]

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Undergraduate / 'working the sales floor' - an experience at work- Common App Short Answer [2]

As I was working the sales floor one day, an older gentleman entered the store. After greeting him, the man confessed to me that heI soon learned he had been experiencing pain in his feet. Knowing I could help him, I lead the man to ourthe shoe department . I was able to help him pick a pair of shoes that were wide enough for his feet, and had ample cushioning. Once he made his mind up on what shoes he wanted, I suggested that he try our extra-cushioned insoles. The gentleman was taken a back by how much the shoes I gave him improved how his feet felt. I then rang him up at the registered , and wished him a good day.

As a sales associate I take pride in helping others. There is no better feeling than when a customer leaves the store satisfied. Through my experiences at work I have learned how to identify with people. I have also learned that I enjoy helping people. (This part is kind of cliche, like "The customers always right!" kind of thing...Try to focus more on how you felt while helping him. Maybe say how the man's face lit up once he tried on the perfect pair of shoes. Also, don't say that you enjoy helping people, SHOW IT. You can show it by saying something like, "I'm happy he found what he was looking for." or "It was a simple task to find the man shoes, but they definitely made his day better." Sentences like this show that you actually care about how the man felt afterwards.

Undergraduate / "The Velvet Curtain" - College Admission Essay (HELP) [5]

I waited off stage, behind the curtain, waiting for my cue. My heart was racing and I felt my cheeks growing unbearably warmer . I gripped the cherry lozenge in my pocket, which my younger brother Andrew had given to me, tightly, and with sweaty hands as I tried to breathe slowly and tell myself I had rehearsed thoroughly, and I had nothing to worry about. But in reality, I had everything to worry about. I could hear the sound of a large crowd, although somewhat muffled, whilestart to form . That velvet curtain was all that separated me from a large arena filled with people of different opinions and views of me.of different ages, races, and religions. The audience's eyes were fixated onwatched the velvet curtain as if they were expecting to witness an event as momentous as the Gettysburg Address or even for a person as great as Mahatma Gandhi, or even Martin Luther King Jr. to appear. I could not have compared myself to these two men, so how could I ever hope to inspire the crowd the way in which my predecessors had?

As the curtains began to open, the spotlight's amber and yellow rays blinded me to the point where I could see nothing. After a matter of seconds, when my vision finally adjusted. I realized I had not been behind any curtain at all, and that rather, I was in my bed and had merely been dreaming .(You don't need to state the dreaming, its already clear)

Shorty after waking up,The day I woke up from this dream was the day I decided I would be someone who is as great.as those aforementioned men. I promised myself that I would stop at nothing to do something with my life that would leave the world a little better than the world I had woken up to on that day.

(My passion for inspiring others fermented in me at a young age. As a child during the holiday of Hanukah, I would wake up to the intoxicating smell of the Okra soup which my grandmother had brought with her from her native Morocco. After the large family meal, my brother and I would take it upon ourselves to put on a performance for the entire family. We would sing the traditional songs of our Moroccan heritage for our family during the holidays. After many years of singing together, my brother and I went on to perform for thousands of people via Youtube, and even went on to singsang at Carnegie Hall.)

Most people live life on the path set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But an inspiration can come alongin a people areto inspire people to make their lives everything they want it to be, and I hope to be a person who inspires others around me.that inspiration one day.

Comments:
-Pretty good story
-Is the Moroccan section part of the essay? It seems a bit misplaced. Try to tie it in better. Like, say how your Moroccan heritage inspired you and how this inspiration will help you to inspire others.

-If you still have more words to spare, write about HOW you will inspire.

Undergraduate / 'Safe environment to express myself' - Evaluate a significant risk Common app essay [9]

Three weeks seems like such a short time. That is 28 days. 672 hours. 40,320 minutes. That is 24,119,200 seconds. Such a short time compared to a lifetime. But three weeks back in the summer of 2009 changed my life.

It was a time of self-awakening. I was in Cambridge for an English course. It was the first time I had ever been away from my family,however,e verything was great. I met so many people from different countries I had never even heard of like Luxemburg, Kiribati and Vanuatu. We talked about our cultures and our countries. Most of my friends didn't think highly of me because I was from Iran. They had a fixed a image that I had a gun hidden under my skirt. The first week was full of people teasing me . I told myself they were just joking and that they too knew that we weren't that different from one another. The teasing did not bother me too muchI held it in until the 8th day when a boy from France called me a terrorist in the middle of the common room. In that moment I forgo t who I was and where I was. Anger was built up inside me, and I felt a hatred I had never felt before.

I had two options: I was either going to yell and scream every disrespectful word I knew and unload myself from this anger that was boiling within me, was filling me up or I was going to walk away. It was not an easy choice . It was very difficult to resist the temptation to explode , but somehow I did . I didn't say anything. I walked away.

I didn't understand the reason for this discrimination. There wasn't many dissimilarities between us. Like the others, I was honest, humorous, and good with my studies. I did sculpture, drawing ,photography. I even played piano better than most of the people in my age.Then I finally understood.People try to outcast what they fear , and I realized that m y friends feared me.

After I cooled off, I went back to the common room where my friends apologized and told me they were sorry and that they would never disrespect me or my culture ever again. In that moment I realized we understood each other.

At the end of the3-week course, the French boy and me became best friends. We talked about our countries and exchanged information about our life style. In those three weeks I experienced happiness, sorrow and satisfaction like I had never before. Now looking back I know that was the best summer vacation I ever had and I am glad that I made every single one of those 24,119,200 seconds count.

I hope my college life will be a safe environment to express my ideas, connect with different people and mature in both academic and social matters. I know that it will be a place to learn and respect people's individual perspectives and pass through obstacles to reach my goals.

Comments:
-The beginning paragraph with the different times seemed a bit unnecessary
-It is unclear how you and the french boy became friends so I would elaborate on that.
-I don't understand the paragraph about your friends fearing you. How is that significant to the story? Do they fear you, or do they fear the differences you have? Explain how you were able to make them see that your differences were nothing to be afraid of.

-Why is it that you all started to understand each other? Did the other kids experience prejudice as well? If so, explain more.

Undergraduate / 'Co-existed with Jewish people' - RUTGERS DIVERSITY APPLICATION ESSAY [3]

The content is good but you need to work on the structure of the essay. The essay needs to flow more and one of the ways you can do that is by using transition words like: furthermore, in addition, moreover, etc. Also the essay kind of starts out as a story, but then goes into facts. You need to stick with a uniform way of writing the essay. Either make the whole thing story-like, or make it fact-like. All in all, you just need to work on organization and structure. Good luck!

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