Posts by mhk1294

mhk1294

Nov 11, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A Nomad, a Navy Brat' - Flagler College Essay [3]

maybe start by stating what Island because I felt sort of lost not knowing where you were talking about. Around the island, they call me the "Sun worshipper". They say I electrify our hometown with my smile; I inspire high-spirits and make can touch others with my exuberance. But no one knows that the sun wasn't always an eccentric, glowing orb; no one knows about the chaotic collapse of burning gases that fashioned a striking element of nature and life. I love how you referred to the sun and how it is magnificent yet at the same time it is a destructive thing.

Other than that, this is a fantastic essay and just make sure you self edit the essay to not find mistakes like the "and make can" error.

mhk1294

Nov 11, 2012

Writing Feedback / 'Electing a representative in government' - Essay help for midterm [2]

The entire third paragraph seems to drag on. Maybe try spacing out the essay a little better. It appears that the third paragraph can be broken up into two if not three different parts. Other than that, this is an excellent essay!

mhk1294

Oct 29, 2012

Undergraduate / "My Passion for Wrestling" - Common App 1000 character (HELP) [4]

Thank you so much! It's always nice to see another fellow wrestler on here!

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Undergraduate / "My Passion for Wrestling" - Common App 1000 character (HELP) [4]

As you all know, the common app extracurricular writing assignment has a 1000 character limit. You must write about an experience which impacted your life. This little paragraph is 998 characters so just under the maximum amount. I looked at a few of the common app essays on here and got my inspiration from a few specific pieces. Basically just tell me what you think and if it needs to be changed at all! Thanks so much! - Matt

When the first day of wrestling came, I arrived clueless. The practice began and coach yelled "Hey Kevelson; you're going to wrestle Rob." I went to the center of the mat, assumed the position of what I thought a wrestler would look like, and hoped for the best. The outcome was me losing the match and realizing I was marvelously out of place. While still face down on the mat, I heard an encouraging voice over my shoulder. It was Rob, the senior All-County wrestler who had just beat me, telling me not to worry and that one day I could become as good of a wrestler as he was, or maybe even better. From that day on, wrestling became a passion more than a hobby. My passion grew from my desire to succeed in the sport, and that is exactly what I did. I went from lying face down on the mat after my first match, to becoming the senior team captain as well as an All-County wrestler. My first day of wrestling taught me to never underestimate yourself, and that if you work hard, you can succeed.

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Research Papers / Need help creating a Thesis for research essay regarding global warming. [2]

Something that I use to create a solid thesis is this site: corptrain.phoenix.edu/thesis_generator/thesis_generator.html In all honesty, I would help you create a thesis but this site simply gets the job done. Enter whatever information you currently have and the arguments you want to make and it will (to the best of it;s ability) create a solid thesis. If you don't like what it creates for you then you can merely use ideas from it and or parts of it to branch off of. Let me know how it works out by posting the thesis it creates here and then I can help you edit that one. - Matt

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Parents born and raised in Argentina' - Rutgers University Diversity Essay [3]

Until 4th grade, I had been going to a Jewish elementary day school. At the time, I wasn't exposed to that much diversity; however, the move to public school was an exciting eye-opening experience. I began to make new friends from many different backgrounds, countries, and religions. I began to visit different friends houses where I ate authentic homemade Russian shashlyk and even spicy Indian curry chicken. However, even before attending public school, diversity was present in my life. I have Argentinian, Syrian, and European blood in me. The mix, as well as my Jewish background, has affected me greatly. I have learned about so many different foods and traditions from all of these outlets. ***Maybe consider changing up this last sentence it felt weird to read it sort of like a quick summary which felt rushed. (otherwise, this first paragraph is perfect as far as I can tell)

My parents, who where born and raised in Argentina, have infused the welcoming, friendly and fun spirit in me that is so apparent in Argentinians. My grandmother implanted in me the colorful and vibrant Syrian customs and foods. Interestingly enough, my grandma never actually lived in Syria, however her parents had, and her mother made sure to teach all of her children the exquisite Mediterranean cuisine that she had so enjoyed growing up. Currently, my grandmother invites my family and my uncles and cousins to her home a few Friday nights a month to enjoy the Sabbath together and to indulge in a brilliant feast. When I say feast, I really mean it; my grandmother usually prepares 15 different authentic dishes! My grandmother has given cooking books of all the recipes she makes to my cousins and I to make sure we keep the tradition will continue. (this sentence similar to what I stated before feels awkward and can be said in a more fluid way.) (Also take notice of "and i to make sure we keep the tradition will continue." seems to be a continuity error.

Furthermore, my volunteer work in a senior citizen home and at my town's public library, as well as my work as a swim instructor has also exposed me to a multitude of people. With all of these experiences, I always come to the conclusion that we are all so similar and that we become more enriched once we meet each other. (Instead of this conclusion involving your other work in the senior citizen home and town public library, etc.., you could put a final summary on your ethnicity and lament your view point about it instead of changing course so abruptly.)

I love meeting new people and learning new things, which is why Rutgers would be a great fit for me. I would benefit from the Rutgers community by learning even more about different cultures and I would contribute to Rutgers by bringing the diversity I have within myself.

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Undergraduate / "The Velvet Curtain" - College Admission Essay (HELP) [5]

Yea for sure! Not sure of the extent of which I can help, but I will read it over and tell you what I think.

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Undergraduate / "The Velvet Curtain" - College Admission Essay (HELP) [5]

Thank you so much for the speedy response! As for the Moroccan part of the essay, I was merely using that idea as an example of something I might use to write about for that paragraph. I guess I will use it instead to talk about how I hope to inspire. Once again thank you so much!

mhk1294

Oct 22, 2012

Undergraduate / "The Velvet Curtain" - College Admission Essay (HELP) [5]

Hey there everyone! I am new to this site and I am currently applying to college. Below is my college admission essay which is supposed to be around 500 words. I am pretty much set on the introduction paragraph, the second paragraph, and the conclusion. The area I am having trouble with is the third paragraph. The main idea of my essay is how I want to inspire people and how I have done so in the past. I want to incorporate some of my Moroccan and middle-eastern ethnicity into the essay as well. Any help with my essay would be extremely appreciated. Once again thank you guys!

I waited off stage, behind the curtain, for my cue. My heart was racing and I felt my cheeks growing unbearably warmer. I gripped the cherry lozenge in my pocket, which my younger brother Andrew had given to me, tightly, and with sweaty hands as I tried to breathe slowly and tell myself I had rehearsed thoroughly, and I had nothing to worry about. But in reality, I had everything to worry about. I could hear the sounds of a large crowd, although somewhat muffled, while behind the curtain. That velvet curtain was all that separated me from a large arena filled with people of different ages, races, and religions. The audience watched the velvet curtain as if they were expecting to witness an event as momentous as the Gettysburg Address or even for a person as great as Mahatma Gandhi, or even Martin Luther King Jr. to appear. I could not have compared myself to these two men, so how could I ever hope to inspire the crowd the way in which my predecessors had?

As the curtains began to open, the spotlight's amber and yellow rays blinded me to the point where I could see nothing. After a matter of seconds, when my vision finally adjusted, I realized I had not been behind any curtain at all and that rather, I was in my bed and had merely been dreaming. The day I woke up from this dream was the day I decided I would be someone who is as great as those aforementioned men. I promised myself that I would stop at nothing to do something with my life that would leave the world a little better than the world I had woken up to on that day.

(My passion for inspiring others fermented in me at a young age. As a child during the holiday of Hanukah, I would wake up to the intoxicating smell of the Okra soup which my grandmother had brought with her from her native Morocco. After the large family meal, my brother and I would take it upon ourselves to put on a performance for the entire family. We would sing the traditional songs of our Moroccan heritage for our family during the holidays. After many years of singing together, my brother and I went on to perform for thousands of people via Youtube, and even went on to sing at Carnegie Hall.)

Most people live life on the path set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But once in a people are inspired to make their lives everything they want it to be, and I hope to be a person who inspires others around me.