Posts by ahoogland

ahoogland

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'all of my failures centered around one thing, learning' FSU Admissions Essay [4]

I have always been told that "if you try your hardest you're still a winner".

Here are your options:
I have always been told "If you try your hardest you're still a winner"
OR I have always been told that if you try your hardest you're still a winner.
Some of your sentence structures seem a little informal and lengthy. I would try clearing up some of the longer, more comma-cluttered ones.

Deadline soon!

ahoogland

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / MIT: the key to many of my successes has been my sense of humor [6]

I really like the idea behind your essay! However, I agree it can sound a little redundant within your sentences and also within the entire essay. I would thesaurus the tar out of this essay (stress, humor, -- maybe alleviate instead of relieve?).

Additionally, I have found my sense of humor beneficial in creating stronger relationships between my teammates, classmates and myself

Also, can you have a relationship with yourself? ;) I understand what you're trying to say it just seems unnecessary to add that part. A few sentences seem run-on or comma happy. I'd try experimenting with semi-colons and rephrasing in a more active voice to cut down on words. I had to do the same thing with my essay...

Best of luck!

Help, please! very near deadline!

ahoogland

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Essay on Personal Impact of Athletic Events [2]

I am a different person because of my participation in athletic events. I have experienced varying degrees of success and enjoyment during competitive sports since third grade. My involvement in extracurricular athletics taught me camaraderie, intensified my work ethic, and refined my leadership skills.

Each season brings new teammates, goals, and challenges. When forming a team it is necessary to adapt yourself to best suit team dynamics. By sacrificing and collaborating to reach a shared goal, a team forms bonds comprised of mutual trust and interdependence. I have learned to bring my positive traits into a team and leave my less desirable traits behind.

I am intrinsically motivated to reach my full potential as a student-athlete. Sports allow me to push myself to new levels physically and mentally everyday. Success lets me celebrate hard work; failure prompts me to analyze weaknesses and refocus to improve myself and teammates. By being a positive role model and leader I inspire others to strive for success. These experiences have instilled in me perseverance, fortitude and initiative, desirable traits in any situation.

Through interscholastic athletic events I have learned to cooperate, lead, and work better than those without athletic background. I am more prepared for success in later studies, work, and family life due to these skills.

ahoogland

Oct 24, 2012

Letters / 'Dear Van' - Informal letter to invite your friend to your home [2]

Make sure to use appropriate punctuation in your salutations. Insert comma after "Van" and after" Lots of love". Also do some editing to make sure all letter I's are capitalized. You have some small typos like extra spaces around question marks and missing spaces between words. Instead of "Have you known the way to my house?" use "Do you know the way to my house?" Your directions are a little unsure, try to be a bit more precise. Change "Iam planing a smal party..." to "I am planning a small party" Your ending will make more sense if you say, "It seems like ages since we last saw each other. I really hope you can make it."

ahoogland

Oct 23, 2012

Undergraduate / "How I overcame my obstacle in high school" NC State prompt [3]

All the ideas are present for the response, but they are a bit disorganized and could be expanded upon. Try something like this..
During high school time management was something I had trouble mastering. Juggling four hours of homework, a job, and extracurricular activites was a difficult task at first.

From here you could go more in depth on..
why you had a job
why your grades were important
why you still wanted to do extracurriculars with so much other stuff on your plate
how you managed your time

I hope this helped!