Posts by SyntaxVoid

SyntaxVoid

Oct 29, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The negative energy exiting my body' - Common App Short [3]

You sound very contradicting in your short answer. At one point you say you turn your mind off to the world, yet the next few sentences you state that you use it to reflect on your day's struggles. And then you further contradict yourself again in the next sentence saying that nothing else matters. I would take out the part where you say you reflect on your day as it brings a confusion and contradiction to your answer.

SyntaxVoid

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Stanford - Fusors and Particle Acccelerators [3]

Okay so I removed the section starting from "Ever since .... " on down and replaced it so that my final looks like this

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. "Hey John, I really need to talk to you. Can we go to the library?" he inquires. We rush to the library and he says to me, "I'm trying to build the same particle accelerator Michio Kaku built when he was in high school. It's for a science fair. Do you have any advice?" Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. I was never a leader in school; I was always the one who did whatever the other person told them to do. This project has changed me. I have learned how to be a successful leader from this project as we are currently meeting daily to collaborate about discoveries or bargain parts (as this project tends to be a little pricey). I now feel confident being able to lead a successful team and would love to have that chance at Stanford.

Have I improved it?

SyntaxVoid

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / Stanford - Fusors and Particle Acccelerators [3]

Prompt: Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (2000 character limit)

Here's the essay with dialogue. (2000 characters exactly)

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. "Hey John, I really need to talk to you. Can we go to the library?" he inquires. We rush to the library and he says to me, "I'm trying to build the same particle accelerator Michio Kaku built when he was in high school. It's for a science fair. Do you have any advice?" Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. Ever since that fateful day, my friend and I have been collaborating almost daily on how we propose to fabricate this device needing in depth knowledge of electrical engineering and plasma physics. Right now our project is entered into one science fair and we are eagerly awaiting the registration dates to others as well. There are many innovations that we plan to add and it is something I would love to work on and study at Stanford.

And here is the essay without. (1985 characters)

They're basically the same essay; I just took the dialogue out and replaced it with narration. I wasn't sure if dialogue is appropriate in an essay like this.

About a month ago, I was walking along to my lunch like any other day when a good friend of mine suddenly pulls me aside. He asks me if I can meet him in the library to give him some advice on a project he is interested in. We rush to the library and he tells me that he is trying to construct the same particle accelerator that Michio Kaku had done when he was in high school. Shocked, I replied asking him how he plans to do this and we discussed the practicality of it together. At the end of our discussion, he changed his path and he agreed on building a fusor. Without going into too much detail, a fusor is a miniature, but fully functional, device that is capable of controlled fusion through plasma. I had known a lot of information about the fusor because I have always been fascinated with plasma physics and one of my goals before I graduate college was to construct one, though I didn't see it happening very soon. At the end of our conversation he looked down as if he were contemplating something and then said three words that made a huge difference. "Want to help?" I agreed, of course, but at the time I was excited, but not as much as I should be. It was only later when I had gotten home and realized the gravity of this project and what it can amount to that I truly became excited. Call me crazy, but at one point I distinctly remember jumping due to the notion/realization** that I am going to be doing something that very few (under ten, I believe) high school students have ever done, and it is something that I love to do. Ever since that fateful day, my friend and I have been collaborating almost daily on how we propose to fabricate this device needing in depth knowledge of electrical engineering and plasma physics. Right now our project is entered into one science fair and we are eagerly awaiting the registration dates to others as well. There are many innovations that we plan to add and it is something I would love to work on and study at Stanford.

I put the asterisks around notion/realization because I'm not sure which word would fit there. Any word revisions or grammatical errors please!

I will try to return the favor and critique any essays you have as well. Thank you for your time

SyntaxVoid

Oct 27, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Going through high school' - UF Admissions Event Essay [5]

The beginning of your first sentence is a good attention grabber, but the "describe a meaningful event" part is a little out of place. I would replace that with something like, maybe " ... all describe the condition known as "high school." " (im not sure if you should put the quotes around high school. in my opinion that puts a little humor into it as well as keeping it on the point and really grabbing hold of the readers attention. For the rest of that paragraph you're going to want to talk about what the "condition of "high school"" is. I think that the 2nd and 1st paragraph go well together. You should combine the two.

'
I'm short on time right now so I skipped to the end. I think you should change your topic sentence of your first paragraph to something along the lines of "high school has pushed me towards ... and that is why it was such a meaningful event to me." I think the last few sentences of your concluding paragraph were very strong though.

I am only a high school student though, so don't regard this as an 'expert opinion'. Good luck!!

SyntaxVoid

Oct 26, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Get it done if it doesn't kill you' - Stanford Letter to Roommate [4]

I have edited it somewhat. I changed a few words and had to modify it a bit to get everything to fit within the required space (2000 characters EXACTLY)

Hey Stranger,
You've probably heard this a hundred times, and you're probably going to hear it a hundred more. Congratulation on being accepted to Stanford! It looks like we will be living together for awhile, so let me say a little something about myself. First, the basics: my name is John Gresl, though most of my friends call me Randy. I have a yearning for the sciences, mathematics and physics being my top two, and strive towards becoming a well-known physicist/mathematics instructor. I do have a few qualities that may seem odd. For one, I have somewhat of an obsession with tigers (the animal, not the sport team); in fact, I have about twelve of them sitting around my room, whether they are posters, stuffed animals or painted figurines. Just giving a heads up in case you begin to notice tigers migrating into our room, though I'll keep them out of your way if a problem arises. Although I am very reliant on technology being a part in my everyday life, I am also somewhat regressive in the sense that I enjoy the feeling of an actual paper book more than an electronic versions. With tigers and books lying everywhere it may seem that I am a pretty cluttered roommate, but in actuality I make an effort to keep everything neat and orderly. Another trait you may want to note is that I frequently stay up late studying and whatnot, so I hope you do not mind a small light while you slumber. If you have a problem with that, then I will migrate myself to the library without fuss. I like to use my time efficiently by using the daylight hours for productive activities such as hanging out with friends or biking around. Night hours are reserved for work that can be done anytime. Sometimes I wait until the last minute to get an assignment done; but the fact of the matter is that no matter what, I will always finish what I started. My motto is, "If it isn't going to kill you, get it done, and try to have some fun while you're at it." Well that's about it. Hope to see you in the fall

SyntaxVoid

Oct 26, 2012

Undergraduate / UF essay - "My Italian Blood" [3]

First paragraph, I don't know about you, but to me it seems a little bit fragment-y. I think you might be able to combine the first two sentences with a comma. And maybe re-word your very first sentence, it comes off as sort of awkward.

Original
While growing up in an Italian family sometimes things can get a bit crazy. Especially at those hectic family dinners where everyone is crowded over the stove in the kitchen making lasagna, meatballs, and homemade sauce.

My edit
Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.

I really like your ending paragraph, though. Except for one thing maybe; try to avoid "I am"s or "I will"s. In your last paragraph you stated "I will be an asset to your school..." One thing my teachers always tell me is to show, not tell. But I would take this to your college counselor, as even though it may seem intimidating, they really do help A LOT.

I'm only a high school student though, so I wouldn't say I have the "expert" opinion

SyntaxVoid

Oct 26, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Get it done if it doesn't kill you' - Stanford Letter to Roommate [4]

Stanford's 2012 supplement essay:
Prompt: Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hey Stranger,
You've probably heard this a hundred times, and you're probably going to hear it a hundred more. Congratulation on being accepted to Stanford! It looks like we will be living together for awhile, so let me say a little something about myself. First, the basics: my name is John Gresl, though most of my friends call me Randy. I have a yearning for the sciences, mathematics and physics being my top two, and strive towards becoming a well-known plasma physicist/mathematics instructor. I actually have some qualities that may seem odd. For one, I have somewhat of an obsession with tigers (the animal, not the sports team); in fact, I have about twelve of them sitting around my room, whether they are posters, stuffed animals or painted figurines. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you begin to notice tigers migrating into our room, though I'll keep them out of your way if a problem arises. Although I am very reliant on technology being a part in my everyday life, I am also somewhat regressive in the sense that I enjoy the feeling of an actual paper book more than an electronic version. With tigers and books lying everywhere, it may seem that I am a pretty cluttered roommate, but in actuality I make an effort to keep everything in a neat and orderly fashion. Another trait you may want to know is that I usually stay up late studying and whatnot, so I hope you do not mind a small lamp being on while you try to sleep. If you have a problem with that, then I will migrate myself to the library. I like to use my time efficiently by using the daylight hours for productive activities such as hanging out with friends and biking around. Night hours are reserved for work that can be done anytime, like homework. Sometimes I wait until the last minute to get an assignment done; but the fact of the matter is that no matter what, I will always get it done. My motto is, "If it doesn't kill you, get it done, and try to have some fun while you're at it."

I was also selected as Questbridge as a finalist so this essay is due by November first!