Hello there. I have recently been working on this college application essay, and of course they can be stressful so I need some insight from peers. Some constructive criticism would be nice. Please let me know what you think of this essay and how I can fix it grammatically and story wise. I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
Essay Topic
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
While growing up in an Italian family sometimes things can get a bit crazy. Especially at those hectic family dinners where everyone is crowded over the stove in the kitchen making lasagna, meatballs, and homemade sauce. This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. I fully embrace my Italian heritage everyday and I am proud of it.
My grandmother, whom I refer to as Nonna, came to America from Italy at the age of 16. She traveled on a ship across the Atlantic Ocean for 14 days seeking the American dream. Through this journey she didn't have a single family member or relative to accompany her. In hopes of escaping her homeland which had been neglected by the attacks of World War two, the image of America became her sanctuary. Once in America she was put into a boarding home with other girls her age in New York. My Nonna was a very smart student coming from Italy but she had a hard time understanding her teachers and classmates because of the language barrier, therefore she had to drop out of school and find a job in order to support herself. Suddenly the American dream was lost. Over the years my Nonna had grown into a very independent and strong woman raising my mother and two aunts as a single mother with two jobs. Although my Nonna's dream of an education had been lost she always supported me in everything I did.
Like my Nonna, both of my parents entered the work force at young ages and unfortunately neither of them were able to attend college. I will be the first person to attend college in my family and that gives me an even better reason to become a Gator. For the past thirteen years I have worked extremely hard knowing that one day I will be writing this essay in the hopes of living the dream that my Nonna, mother, and father could not. My family has always pushed me harder to strive in my education. As a student at your college I will be an asset to your institution and do my best every day to make you proud as I would want to make my own family proud. I hope that you will consider me as an appropriate candidate to attend your school in the near future.
First paragraph, I don't know about you, but to me it seems a little bit fragment-y. I think you might be able to combine the first two sentences with a comma. And maybe re-word your very first sentence, it comes off as sort of awkward.
Original
While growing up in an Italian family sometimes things can get a bit crazy. Especially at those hectic family dinners where everyone is crowded over the stove in the kitchen making lasagna, meatballs, and homemade sauce.
My edit
Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.
I really like your ending paragraph, though. Except for one thing maybe; try to avoid "I am"s or "I will"s. In your last paragraph you stated "I will be an asset to your school..." One thing my teachers always tell me is to show, not tell. But I would take this to your college counselor, as even though it may seem intimidating, they really do help A LOT.
I'm only a high school student though, so I wouldn't say I have the "expert" opinion
All right. Your essay is nice, but needs some revising. What to do: Change the sentences with the (BLUE) font. I made corrections/changes in the (RED) font. This represents that I plainly took out a word or punctuation: ( ) I enjoyed the edit made by SyntaxVoidThreads; therefore, I will keep it.
(Things can get a bit crazy when you are growing up in an Italian family, especially at hectic dinners with everyone crowding over the kitchen stove preparing lasagna, meatballs and homemade sauce.) This might not sound enjoyable for some people, but I love it. I fully embrace my Italian heritage everyday and I am proud of it.
My grandmother, whom I refer to as Nonna, came to America from Italy at the age of 16. She traveled on a ship across the Atlantic Ocean for 14 days seeking the American dream. Through this journey she didn't have a single family member or relative to accompany her. In hopes of escaping her homeland which had been neglected by the attacks of World War (II) , the image of America became her sanctuary. Once in America she was (placed) into a boarding home with other girls her age in New York. My Nonna was a very smart student coming from Italy(,) but she had a hard time understanding her teachers and classmates because of the language barrier(.)therefore she had to drop out of school and find a job in order to support herself. (make this into a new sentence) Suddenly(,) the American dream was lost. Over the years(,) my Nonna (developed) into a very independent and strong woman raising my mother and two aunts as a single mother with two jobs. (make this into a new sentence) Although my Nonna's dream of an education had been lost(,) she always supported me in everything I did.
Like my Nonna, both of my parents entered the work force at young ages and unfortunately neither of them were able to attend college. I will be the first person to attend college in my family(,) and (this) gives me an even better reason to become a Gator. For the past thirteen years I have worked extremely hard knowing that one day I will be appling to college in the hope( ) of living the dream that my Nonna, mother, and father could not. My family has always pushed me harder to strive in my education. As a student at your college I will be an asset to your institution and do my best every day to make you proud as I would want to make my own family proud (ClichĂŠ). I hope that you will consider me as an appropriate candidate to attend your school in the near future.
Please review my corrections and see if you like them. You also need to find synonyms for some of your words. It is always preferred to start and end a sentence with a noun. Try not to use the same sentence structure(mix it up a bit). Good Luck!
