yeongjia
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay on LEAVING HOME - DISCUSSION ESSAY. [4]
Bump, anymore feedback anyone? It would be greatly appreciated.
Bump, anymore feedback anyone? It would be greatly appreciated.
yeongjia
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Unique Qualities of U of Michigan. Can anyone revise it and tell me if it answer the question? [3]
If I were you, i would read through the passage again and try to see if it sounds right. But there are some changes to be made, i'm going to point out a few examples and help you out. You will get the idea slowly and i'm sure you will be able to change the rest. Its not wrong, but instead of writing many sentences, you can link them up and make them look better (possibly score more marks). Try to use commas or "and"s as much as you can until you really need to introduce a new point. Also, try to summarize it as much as you can, make it very brief so that everyone understands.
I have always been receiving help from THE others. Every time I needed help, someone would come to me and help without a second thought .
The reason are simple, I can never lend a hand to a strangerAND I always sense myself feeling guilty for receiving help.
I know its not much but i hope this helps, cheers and good luck.
If I were you, i would read through the passage again and try to see if it sounds right. But there are some changes to be made, i'm going to point out a few examples and help you out. You will get the idea slowly and i'm sure you will be able to change the rest. Its not wrong, but instead of writing many sentences, you can link them up and make them look better (possibly score more marks). Try to use commas or "and"s as much as you can until you really need to introduce a new point. Also, try to summarize it as much as you can, make it very brief so that everyone understands.
I have always been receiving help from THE others. Every time I needed help, someone would come to me and help without a second thought .
The reason are simple, I can never lend a hand to a strangerAND I always sense myself feeling guilty for receiving help.
I know its not much but i hope this helps, cheers and good luck.
yeongjia
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Dartmouth Extracurricular Essay; keeping the conversation going [3]
As much as i'd like to help, i don't think i can. Its pretty good, try to go straight to the point instead of writing more words, sort of like summarize it.
Like the " In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation." part
I would probably look into that, and try to make it a little shorter and more brief, because it may seem understandable to you, but not to others, just pointing that out.
Other than that, not much to change, its pretty short and pretty well written, well done.
As much as i'd like to help, i don't think i can. Its pretty good, try to go straight to the point instead of writing more words, sort of like summarize it.
Like the " In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation." part
I would probably look into that, and try to make it a little shorter and more brief, because it may seem understandable to you, but not to others, just pointing that out.
Other than that, not much to change, its pretty short and pretty well written, well done.
yeongjia
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / (Trojan, Poetry, Identity, Ambicious, God-mother, Energy) - 2012 NCSSM [10]
I'm not sure if this is right, but i think it'd be much better if you use more of the commas or "and".
Like for example on question 8 you said "In school started to not care what I did or did not complete."
I'd personally put it as "In school, I start to not care what i did or did not complete." instead
I know its not a lot of change but this is THAT edge that pushes you from a 98% to a 100% mark.
Its not wrong, its actually really really good but i think it looks better. (But that is just my opinion).
I'd rate this 10/10 honestly.
Oh and also, you missed out on number 9.
I'm not sure if this is right, but i think it'd be much better if you use more of the commas or "and".
Like for example on question 8 you said "In school started to not care what I did or did not complete."
I'd personally put it as "In school, I start to not care what i did or did not complete." instead
I know its not a lot of change but this is THAT edge that pushes you from a 98% to a 100% mark.
Its not wrong, its actually really really good but i think it looks better. (But that is just my opinion).
I'd rate this 10/10 honestly.
Oh and also, you missed out on number 9.
yeongjia
Oct 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay on LEAVING HOME - DISCUSSION ESSAY. [4]
Sorry, i did not get what you mean by putting the end punctuation inside the quotes, but thank you so much, it means alot.
Sorry, i did not get what you mean by putting the end punctuation inside the quotes, but thank you so much, it means alot.
yeongjia
Oct 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay on LEAVING HOME - DISCUSSION ESSAY. [4]
Hi, I don't usually do this but I am very uncertain of the essay I just wrote. Also please be noted that i did not include an introduction and conclusion. I mainly need help on the grammar and the concept of the body.
Thanks
Regards,
yjb
The first aspect to be discussed is that leaving home is hard but settling in is harder. Leaving home and establishing a new life is a normal part of growing up but it can be a challenging time for the person leaving who is used to being involved in their family's lives and daily decisions. In Courage of Soldiers, Pauline, the oldest daughter in her family, was constantly physically abused by her father and from her point of view towards her father, it was her "failures and disappointments". When Pauline escaped from home with the help of her loving brothers, it was a very hard time for Pauline, the feeling of abandoning her family was just constantly haunting her. However, it was not Pauline who was the only one having a hard time, consequently it was also a difficult time for her family, especially her brothers who's workload were to be increased due to the departure of Pauline.
Settling in a new place was even harder for Pauline; she had to make a new beginning in her life. She was very young at that time and was short of everything. She was homesick and paranoid most of the time. The fear of encountering a familiar face was still lingering around and the thought of returning to her family was unacceptable. The only good outcome from escaping was that she was not treated in an inhumane way anymore.
Another example of the difficulties of leaving home and settling but settling in is harder is shown in Ten Pound Poms. Growing up does not have to be the main reason of leaving home, in this case it was a tough choice for Kathleen Upton as she chose to leave England to Australia in the mid 1950s. Settling in a new country with different surroundings and culture was very tough for Kathleen to take-in. As time went by, things went from bad to worse for Kathleen Upton. Eventually, she could not take it anymore, just after 2 years moving away from England, she has decided to return to where she truly belongs.
Conversely, leaving home can be problematic but settling in is enjoyable for them. Leaving home is no doubt one of the most difficult stages any person can encounter in their lives, but settling in is easier than the thought of it being difficult. There are many reasons to why some people think that settling in would be easy, for example some people crave for their own space ever since they were fed up with being told what to do constantly back at home and for some they are just excited to start a new life. In Ten Pound Poms, 5 out of the 7 people who have left England to Australia to seek for a better life have successfully done so.
In John Howell's case, he had a horrifying time having to accept the fact that his father had passed away, it was very obvious that he was sad that one of his family member had left and the thought of having to move away and leave all the others away was terrifying. But soon after, he was convinced by his brother who already at that time was living in Australia that it was time for a change. When John first arrived in Australia, he very pleased with the surroundings; he did not expect Australia to be so advanced. Unlike the others, he enjoyed his time in Australia. Eventually, he spent the majority of his life in Australia raising a family and fulfilled his dreams in becoming a farmer and a millionaire. He was happy that he made the decision to leave and has never looked back.
â
The concept of settling in a new place is to be optimistic; it will take time to settle in. Not everybody can accept a new change immediately. "Patience is the key to success" (Andre Russell). Another example of how leaving home is hard but settling in is easy is shown in Courage of Soldiers. Leaving home was a difficult decision for Pauline, but after she has moved out, it did not seem as if she has suffered. Even though, the first few months being away were not very pleasant for Pauline. Eventually, Pauline managed to successfully start in a new life, she grew up to be a very ambitious women and she lived freely. But most importantly, Pauline and her father bury the hatchet over her childhood misunderstanding.
Hi, I don't usually do this but I am very uncertain of the essay I just wrote. Also please be noted that i did not include an introduction and conclusion. I mainly need help on the grammar and the concept of the body.
Thanks
Regards,
yjb
The first aspect to be discussed is that leaving home is hard but settling in is harder. Leaving home and establishing a new life is a normal part of growing up but it can be a challenging time for the person leaving who is used to being involved in their family's lives and daily decisions. In Courage of Soldiers, Pauline, the oldest daughter in her family, was constantly physically abused by her father and from her point of view towards her father, it was her "failures and disappointments". When Pauline escaped from home with the help of her loving brothers, it was a very hard time for Pauline, the feeling of abandoning her family was just constantly haunting her. However, it was not Pauline who was the only one having a hard time, consequently it was also a difficult time for her family, especially her brothers who's workload were to be increased due to the departure of Pauline.
Settling in a new place was even harder for Pauline; she had to make a new beginning in her life. She was very young at that time and was short of everything. She was homesick and paranoid most of the time. The fear of encountering a familiar face was still lingering around and the thought of returning to her family was unacceptable. The only good outcome from escaping was that she was not treated in an inhumane way anymore.
Another example of the difficulties of leaving home and settling but settling in is harder is shown in Ten Pound Poms. Growing up does not have to be the main reason of leaving home, in this case it was a tough choice for Kathleen Upton as she chose to leave England to Australia in the mid 1950s. Settling in a new country with different surroundings and culture was very tough for Kathleen to take-in. As time went by, things went from bad to worse for Kathleen Upton. Eventually, she could not take it anymore, just after 2 years moving away from England, she has decided to return to where she truly belongs.
Conversely, leaving home can be problematic but settling in is enjoyable for them. Leaving home is no doubt one of the most difficult stages any person can encounter in their lives, but settling in is easier than the thought of it being difficult. There are many reasons to why some people think that settling in would be easy, for example some people crave for their own space ever since they were fed up with being told what to do constantly back at home and for some they are just excited to start a new life. In Ten Pound Poms, 5 out of the 7 people who have left England to Australia to seek for a better life have successfully done so.
In John Howell's case, he had a horrifying time having to accept the fact that his father had passed away, it was very obvious that he was sad that one of his family member had left and the thought of having to move away and leave all the others away was terrifying. But soon after, he was convinced by his brother who already at that time was living in Australia that it was time for a change. When John first arrived in Australia, he very pleased with the surroundings; he did not expect Australia to be so advanced. Unlike the others, he enjoyed his time in Australia. Eventually, he spent the majority of his life in Australia raising a family and fulfilled his dreams in becoming a farmer and a millionaire. He was happy that he made the decision to leave and has never looked back.
â
The concept of settling in a new place is to be optimistic; it will take time to settle in. Not everybody can accept a new change immediately. "Patience is the key to success" (Andre Russell). Another example of how leaving home is hard but settling in is easy is shown in Courage of Soldiers. Leaving home was a difficult decision for Pauline, but after she has moved out, it did not seem as if she has suffered. Even though, the first few months being away were not very pleasant for Pauline. Eventually, Pauline managed to successfully start in a new life, she grew up to be a very ambitious women and she lived freely. But most importantly, Pauline and her father bury the hatchet over her childhood misunderstanding.
