Posts by Evan

Evan

Oct 29, 2012

Undergraduate / 'playing with Hot Wheels cars' - Essay for Common App: Most influential person [4]

Hey, I really liked your essay. It fit the prompt nicely and kept the reader's attention. Though, since you are submitting this to colleges, you might want to be careful about some of the colloquialisms you use such as "get it on". Other than that, just try to provide a better transition between paragraphs. Hope I could be of some help.

Evan

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / Advances in computer technology have made the classroom unnecessary [2]

Usually you can maintain a reader's interest if you use transitions that more suitably set up the mood or tone (and flow better). Transitions like first, second, lastly are perfectly fine but leave the reader thinking that they are going through a list rather than an essay.

Also, try to cut down on unnecessary repetitive words.
For Example when you wrote:
If classroom is made unnecessary in learning, students who cannot afford to buy computers for themselves because of poverty are put into a complete disadvantage. For instance, in a third world country wherein not every student can have their own computer will not be able to cope with the computer-based teaching since the only means of learning for them is going to school.

This could be cut down to make it more clear:
If classrooms are made obsolete, students who cannot afford such technology will be at a disadvantage. For instance, in a third world country the only means of leaning is through a classroom.

Evan

Oct 28, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Never stop learning' - Common App Essay [2]

Hey there everyone I'd like to get some constructive criticism on my common app essay, be as brutally honest as you can.
I'd like to have the essay completely done by Nov. 1 for early action (I know I'm pretty close to deadline)
Thanks

"Rosebud is the emblem of the security, hope, and innocence of childhood, which a man can spend his life seeking to regain. It is the green light at the end of Gatsby's pier; the leopard atop Kilimanjaro, seeking nobody knows what; the bone tossed into the air in 2001."

-Roger Ebert

We all need to grow up sooner or later. I can't say it's been the easiest thing I've ever had to do but then again, who can? Inevitably, through growing up we all lose our own personal sense of childhood innocence and in turn, gain responsibility (dare I say sensibility?) But we also get a little something more; a type of knowledge that isn't taught; a nostalgic pride that we know not to chase after. It's something we wish to share with our younger selves and with generations to come.

As a younger man, I used to look up to guys like Tyler Durden. That sense of nihilistic abandon seemed rejuvenating and attractive. Now I understand, Tyler was supposed to be appealing to a kid like me. He was everything wrong and hypocritical about that way of thinking. In Stanley Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket, the more perverse side of destruction, nihilism, and maturity is presented. In a way, I can see myself in Lieutenant Joker from Full Metal Jacket; torn in two directions by what he believes and by what he is told. It goes to show, we can't always be in control. And that's an important thing to learn. We can't always be Neo, the one with all the answers. Sometimes we end up being Guido, from Fredrico Fellini's 8 ˝, pulled in every possible direction by everyone he knows. It is then that we struggle to find a leg to stand on and someone to lend an ear just to listen. Most of the time we end up falling in the realm of Citizen Kane where we can admit to ourselves that we may be missing something in our lives and need to fill a void left by an ever fleeting sense of childhood innocence.

At times, I look back on classics like Mary Poppins or Peter Pan and think how incredible it is that they fit in with my current tastes in an oddly perfect way. No matter how simplified the message may be, that sense of youthful joy and that always foreboding thing called age tempting to take it away are always constant motifs. In a way, Peter Pan could be considered Wendy's Rosebud; a singular thing she will always remember but can never regain as she grows up. If ever asked, I don't think I could pinpoint a single thing that could holistically represent my childhood. Playing guitar, writing music, reading comics and writing stories are all a big part of my life. But, there is one thing that has defined my childhood more than the rest. Learning. It invigorates me, makes me feel alive, significant, and part of a zeitgeist greater than myself. I've learned how to mature and take responsibility by looking at characters and concepts passed down through books and movies. Though, it is a Sisyphean task. After all, after a lifetime of learning we still will never know all the answers. But this is a beautiful thing. It means I'll never have a reason to stop doing the things I love and most importantly never stop learning.