uyaq23
Nov 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Rotary Exchange Program' - Experience Common App Essay [9]
It would be nice if you stuck to your word Phoebe.
It would be nice if you stuck to your word Phoebe.
uyaq23
Nov 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'What I taught myself' - Essay Revision [5]
I say go for it when it comes to Pokemon being the overarching motif in your essay. It's different and unique, just what admission officers look for. I know many people who wrote about the influence of a video game or something like their favorite pair of pants. Seems a bit silly at first, but a well composed essay on a topic like that will sure to catch attention no matter who the reader is and you'll definitely stand out.
I suggest beginning the essay in media res, maybe in the midst of a Pokemon game as you hear the cards shuffle, anticipating each and every move, or if you're playing a video game, the sound of the buttons being victimized by your fingers (something along those lines). It doesn't have to be dialogue, it can be through context. Let the reader see, hear and feel as they read.
You can eliminate the reference about the influence of your parents, because you go off on a tangent (it's also a bit redundant) and then you abruptly end it with a reference back to Pokemon. Stick to that one topic throughout the whole piece. Discuss the significance of it and elaborate on that.
Mostly in the beginning of the essay, you have a lot of simple sentences which can be easily combined to save the word restriction so you can successfully utilize it to your advantage.The essay reads a bit choppy, as well.
For example: "But it also means I taught myself how to learn. That is the most valuable thing I taught myself " - Hear you're basically saying the same thing thing in two sentences which could possible be shortened to one while retaining the message (and the concept of teaching yourself how to learn sounds a bit vague) Maybe something like - "I discovered the essentials of my abilities to understand things." Just an idea.
Good start and good luck. keep on
I say go for it when it comes to Pokemon being the overarching motif in your essay. It's different and unique, just what admission officers look for. I know many people who wrote about the influence of a video game or something like their favorite pair of pants. Seems a bit silly at first, but a well composed essay on a topic like that will sure to catch attention no matter who the reader is and you'll definitely stand out.
I suggest beginning the essay in media res, maybe in the midst of a Pokemon game as you hear the cards shuffle, anticipating each and every move, or if you're playing a video game, the sound of the buttons being victimized by your fingers (something along those lines). It doesn't have to be dialogue, it can be through context. Let the reader see, hear and feel as they read.
You can eliminate the reference about the influence of your parents, because you go off on a tangent (it's also a bit redundant) and then you abruptly end it with a reference back to Pokemon. Stick to that one topic throughout the whole piece. Discuss the significance of it and elaborate on that.
Mostly in the beginning of the essay, you have a lot of simple sentences which can be easily combined to save the word restriction so you can successfully utilize it to your advantage.The essay reads a bit choppy, as well.
For example: "But it also means I taught myself how to learn. That is the most valuable thing I taught myself " - Hear you're basically saying the same thing thing in two sentences which could possible be shortened to one while retaining the message (and the concept of teaching yourself how to learn sounds a bit vague) Maybe something like - "I discovered the essentials of my abilities to understand things." Just an idea.
Good start and good luck. keep on
uyaq23
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Strength My Mother Gave Me' - Common App (Topic of Choice) [3]
Wow. Great piece. Your voice conveys a lot of schemes and tropes complimenting the strong message.
In the beginning you discuss "...confidently breezing through the handout " - I was confused as to what handout exactly you were filling out.
"I used to think my inability to let go of my mother was my biggestweaknessesweakness "
Wow. Great piece. Your voice conveys a lot of schemes and tropes complimenting the strong message.
In the beginning you discuss "...confidently breezing through the handout " - I was confused as to what handout exactly you were filling out.
"I used to think my inability to let go of my mother was my biggest
uyaq23
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Common App Essay (topic of choice: influence of basketball game) [2]
The symphony of the polished hardwood floor rubbing up against the soles of my basketball shoes is music to my ears; every step composes the harmonic rhythmic squeaks which leaves me defenseless against its hypnotic effects. The smell of the rubber basketball intoxicates me and transforms me into an uncontainable threat on the court, or at least I thought it did. The flashing of photography in the crowd makes me realize how important of a moment this was. It was moments like these which allowed me to let go, unlock myself from the shackles of the stresses of life and do something I loved doing, playing the game of basketball.
The Amateur Athletic Union basketball season was something I would never get used to. Every night was a new beginning; however it was a specific night which encompasses my thought bubbles to this day, January 6, 2011. The shot-clock was winding down when Coach Miles began to wave his arms with a hurried look on his face, demanding a timeout. It felt as though the shriek of the referee's whistle stopped time as I started to roam in my own thoughts, reminiscing how it all began.
I saw myself trying to walk in the shoes of someone whom did not exist, myself playing basketball as a profession. I would go to the local recreational field after school and as I looked around, I saw ongoing games all of the time. There were excessive yells and grunts, intimidation was what they strived for. I never thought of myself as an authoritative figure to factor in intimidation with my game. Even professional basketball player Derrick Rose finds it difficult to spew words saying sometimes, "I just can't do it." Basketball was a process I was uncomfortable with, even though it was something I always wanted to pursue.
The night of January 6th of the AAU division finals game, I was in a race with the clock. Coach Miles took out his clipboard and went to work on the game plan when all of a sudden his eyes became fixed upon me. Coach emphatically gave me my orders. We were down by two points. My heart pounded and my stomach twisted, my palms sweating. I was directing traffic with my hands and yelling to my teammates at the top of my lungs, telling them to get into their positions. After receiving the ball, I let go of it, flicking my wrist towards the basket. The ball rolled around on the ring and out it went. I missed the shot. This was my time to shine, my magnum opus would be revealed entitling me the hero. Instead, failure engulfed me and I realized that confronting what I had been afraid of illuminated the road ahead of me.
It should be obvious that I had not been honored with any award, however I did receive something I never would have without failing. I gained a new perspective, a new lens for the projection of academic, athletic, or any other hardships. This helped me better understand myself and it allowed me to bloom into a leader. I became a general, leading an army against a combative pursual. Even though I failed, I realized I had endured a slip, but not a fall.
The symphony of the polished hardwood floor rubbing up against the soles of my basketball shoes is music to my ears; every step composes the harmonic rhythmic squeaks which leaves me defenseless against its hypnotic effects. The smell of the rubber basketball intoxicates me and transforms me into an uncontainable threat on the court, or at least I thought it did. The flashing of photography in the crowd makes me realize how important of a moment this was. It was moments like these which allowed me to let go, unlock myself from the shackles of the stresses of life and do something I loved doing, playing the game of basketball.
The Amateur Athletic Union basketball season was something I would never get used to. Every night was a new beginning; however it was a specific night which encompasses my thought bubbles to this day, January 6, 2011. The shot-clock was winding down when Coach Miles began to wave his arms with a hurried look on his face, demanding a timeout. It felt as though the shriek of the referee's whistle stopped time as I started to roam in my own thoughts, reminiscing how it all began.
I saw myself trying to walk in the shoes of someone whom did not exist, myself playing basketball as a profession. I would go to the local recreational field after school and as I looked around, I saw ongoing games all of the time. There were excessive yells and grunts, intimidation was what they strived for. I never thought of myself as an authoritative figure to factor in intimidation with my game. Even professional basketball player Derrick Rose finds it difficult to spew words saying sometimes, "I just can't do it." Basketball was a process I was uncomfortable with, even though it was something I always wanted to pursue.
The night of January 6th of the AAU division finals game, I was in a race with the clock. Coach Miles took out his clipboard and went to work on the game plan when all of a sudden his eyes became fixed upon me. Coach emphatically gave me my orders. We were down by two points. My heart pounded and my stomach twisted, my palms sweating. I was directing traffic with my hands and yelling to my teammates at the top of my lungs, telling them to get into their positions. After receiving the ball, I let go of it, flicking my wrist towards the basket. The ball rolled around on the ring and out it went. I missed the shot. This was my time to shine, my magnum opus would be revealed entitling me the hero. Instead, failure engulfed me and I realized that confronting what I had been afraid of illuminated the road ahead of me.
It should be obvious that I had not been honored with any award, however I did receive something I never would have without failing. I gained a new perspective, a new lens for the projection of academic, athletic, or any other hardships. This helped me better understand myself and it allowed me to bloom into a leader. I became a general, leading an army against a combative pursual. Even though I failed, I realized I had endured a slip, but not a fall.
uyaq23
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Rotary Exchange Program' - Experience Common App Essay [9]
"but,youyou are just a person"
"Malome , I'll be the first persontooto write a book!" - confused as to who Malome is.
"...thrust into a world where the word 'daddy' is the answer to all problems " - A bit confusing as to where this came from. Why is "daddy " the answer? Is there some background information the reader needs to know to tie it in to?
"" and excited to be "on that side of town" "" - What side of town? What significance does that phrase have? You had to have put it in quotations for a reason.
"Placed in the fourth class ..." - Do you mean fourth grade?
"Though, being the only grade 8 published in a national poetry anthology, optimism set in." - eighth grader - You go from fourth grade to eighth grade without a solid transition.
"Therefore, the kid from the "other side of town "begunbegan his endeavor to being as achievedaccomplished as any of his privileged mates could be." - Again, what does "other side of town " mean?
"After a year in the fourth class and time consumed by four gratifying extracurricularactivities , I was movedtooto the third class before making it into the second class half way through grade 9the ninth grade " - I'm still not sure what you mean by "fourth class," "third class," and "second class." Shed some light on that in the essay.
"As one of the first few people in my gradetooto receive colors " - What do you mean by "colors"?
"My unique high school experience has createdthisan inability to resist challenges."
"I took two AP courses" - Always write out any acronyms for an essay like this - Advanced Placement
"Considering the influence that mygrade 10tenth grade schedule had on my grades..."
"Therefore,In addition to being house leader for Debating and Public Speaking and having started a university club in my neighborhood, I exerted more attention towards my academics." - We can probably switch this sentence around and say - I began to exert more attention towards my academics, becoming the leader for my debate team and organizing a university club in my neighborhood.
"Thus, I was placed in the first class and received the highest Mathematics paper 3 mark." - Maybe we can say something like - "The hard work paid off as I was placed at the top of my class while receiving the highest marks on my mathematics exam. "
"Ithink too look back to when my uncle declared that I could not write a book"
"This His statement would echo Mr.Taylor's words, "never let the place you start dictate where you finish ." - Explain the quote and its significance. What did those words mean to you specifically?
"In America!" ( who says "In America!" and what does it mean?) As excited as I was when I was 11, I probe my uncle with this new prospect. ( what new prospect?) With a look of sympathy, he replies, "Even for you my boy,that is impossible"
The topic of your essay is different and a good attention catcher, exactly what admission officers look for. Your use of advanced vocabulary suits the syntax and there is a good balance of it throughout the essay. The thing is that you start off by trying to prove your uncle wrong when he says you wouldn't be able to write a book. You completely forget that aspect about your essay as you go into the bodies of your essay. Stick to that topic and your essay will be much stronger.
You discuss organizations like the Rotary Exchange Program and how you went out of your way to become a part of it. You never discussed what was so important about it to you, why you wanted to pursue it, and what you got out of it. You discuss managing your extracurricular activities. What did you get out of those? What drove you to work various jobs in order to pay for their expenses?
There were also some things highlighted in the essay which fly out of nowhere. Don't assume the reader knows everything that you're throwing at them. Try to take it one step at a time and explain, but be concise. Establish a bit of background knowledge wherever you need to.
Your conclusion tends to develop a new challenge when you refer back to your uncle not believing in you. Your conclusion should make a full circle and muster up your thoughts about yourself. Sell yourself to the readers at that point.
Good start and good luck! Keep on.
"but,
"Malome , I'll be the first person
"...thrust into a world where the word 'daddy' is the answer to all problems " - A bit confusing as to where this came from. Why is "daddy " the answer? Is there some background information the reader needs to know to tie it in to?
"" and excited to be "on that side of town" "" - What side of town? What significance does that phrase have? You had to have put it in quotations for a reason.
"Placed in the fourth class ..." - Do you mean fourth grade?
"Though, being the only grade 8 published in a national poetry anthology, optimism set in." - eighth grader - You go from fourth grade to eighth grade without a solid transition.
"Therefore, the kid from the "other side of town "
"After a year in the fourth class and time consumed by four gratifying extracurricularactivities , I was moved
"As one of the first few people in my grade
"My unique high school experience has created
"I took two AP courses" - Always write out any acronyms for an essay like this - Advanced Placement
"Considering the influence that my
"Therefore,In addition to being house leader for Debating and Public Speaking and having started a university club in my neighborhood, I exerted more attention towards my academics." - We can probably switch this sentence around and say - I began to exert more attention towards my academics, becoming the leader for my debate team and organizing a university club in my neighborhood.
"Thus, I was placed in the first class and received the highest Mathematics paper 3 mark." - Maybe we can say something like - "The hard work paid off as I was placed at the top of my class while receiving the highest marks on my mathematics exam. "
"I
"
"In America!" ( who says "In America!" and what does it mean?) As excited as I was when I was 11, I probe my uncle with this new prospect. ( what new prospect?) With a look of sympathy, he replies, "Even for you my boy,that is impossible"
The topic of your essay is different and a good attention catcher, exactly what admission officers look for. Your use of advanced vocabulary suits the syntax and there is a good balance of it throughout the essay. The thing is that you start off by trying to prove your uncle wrong when he says you wouldn't be able to write a book. You completely forget that aspect about your essay as you go into the bodies of your essay. Stick to that topic and your essay will be much stronger.
You discuss organizations like the Rotary Exchange Program and how you went out of your way to become a part of it. You never discussed what was so important about it to you, why you wanted to pursue it, and what you got out of it. You discuss managing your extracurricular activities. What did you get out of those? What drove you to work various jobs in order to pay for their expenses?
There were also some things highlighted in the essay which fly out of nowhere. Don't assume the reader knows everything that you're throwing at them. Try to take it one step at a time and explain, but be concise. Establish a bit of background knowledge wherever you need to.
Your conclusion tends to develop a new challenge when you refer back to your uncle not believing in you. Your conclusion should make a full circle and muster up your thoughts about yourself. Sell yourself to the readers at that point.
Good start and good luck! Keep on.
uyaq23
Nov 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'neighbors and schoolmates' - UC Prompt #1 [4]
"While some point to the argument that school was just not for them or the lack of support and outside help did it for them, I do not understand why promising students that once had their entire futures in front of them would constrain themselves to the life they once wanted to leave behind ". - We could probably cut this sentence down a bit to something like They accepted defeat by putting blame upon the notions of getting help from others, even though they were not ready to help themselves for a better lifestyle.
Good essay. Try to use more of your voice. Tell them what you saw or heard instead of "...the area we lived in was not very pleasant to say the least. "
Keep on!
"While some point to the argument that school was just not for them or the lack of support and outside help did it for them, I do not understand why promising students that once had their entire futures in front of them would constrain themselves to the life they once wanted to leave behind ". - We could probably cut this sentence down a bit to something like They accepted defeat by putting blame upon the notions of getting help from others, even though they were not ready to help themselves for a better lifestyle.
Good essay. Try to use more of your voice. Tell them what you saw or heard instead of "...the area we lived in was not very pleasant to say the least. "
Keep on!
uyaq23
Nov 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'progression into the real world' - Rutgers Admission [3]
Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.(3800 characters).
It was the day of October 28, 2006, as my faint memory depicts me boarding a plane on Pakistani International Airlines to journey across the ocean and into another country. I was fourteen hours away from Pakistan at that point, and I was overjoyed with anxiety and elation, mostly anxiety considering my weak stomach for airplane rides. It was as though everyone became insects the instant I looked out the window. The food on the airplane was not all that inviting, and my pillow needed fluffing every ten minutes. I was on my way to Pakistan, the pride of my ancestral roots. I did not know what to expect, confused like any other child would be, however I came to realize that the quintessence of my lifestyle was derived from my heritage. This was something I could apprise to others with the same amount of pride my parents exhibited. We are all defined by one ambition of representing the pinnacle of our origination and ideologies, separated by cultural commodities and rituals; that ambition is sewed into my being and I bring with me the quilt of my cultural diversity to Rutgers University.
I made my way through the gates of the Jinnah Airport in Karachi, almost was everyone dressed in traditional long shirts and tunics, the shalwar kameez. We arrived at our house, which looked like castle with an elongated Portuguese influenced verandah, in Sialkot. I spent most of my time playing with cousins, frolicking in the gallery when I heard the sound of azan, the Islamic call to prayer from the mosque. It was time to ready ourselves for the sacred month of Ramadan, a holy month for Muslims around the globe. A time of forgive and forget as we fast from sun up to sundown, fortifying us with patience and abstention. Our eyes tell us the stories of impoverished men, women, and children all around the world who cannot eat three meals a day, have clean water at the flip of a faucet, or have clothing to shelter their skins. The month of Ramadan allowed me to realize that my empty and groaning stomach is only one aspect to the hardships faced by the less fortunate. Patience became a virtue as I exposed myself to the conditions of life that were unknown to me, in hopes of making a difference for those less fortunate. I saw my parents giving zakah, donating money, and going to the shelters and community homes in order to give aid while on a fasting stomach. From that day on, I believed that the mindset of constituting change upon society by viewing life through an array of lenses is an essential ingredient for ethical prosperity. I joined the efforts of my local mosque after my return to the United States. The Islamic Center of Morris County allowed me to coordinate youth programs and utilize my knowledge to enlighten the younger generations on moral obligations. This manifestation of ideas is an indispensable inclusion to the Rutgers community.
The process of my progression into the real world is dependent on the exposure to the different types of cultures. With me, I bring the keys to unlocking my own identity by sharing my experiences, while acquiring erudition of other cultural traditions through social output and the extracurricular involvements provided by Rutgers' institution. An embodiment of students glimmering with cultural diversity will inevitably revamp social advancement. I have come to realize, through experience, that my family is essential towards the pursuit of happiness and success upon my endeavors. My involvement within their presence and my religion is what sets me apart from other people. This is imperative on the ascendency towards academic and social prosperity, exemplified by the mission at Rutgers University to allows students to "thrive in an increasingly diverse and global society."
Essay Prompt: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.(3800 characters).
It was the day of October 28, 2006, as my faint memory depicts me boarding a plane on Pakistani International Airlines to journey across the ocean and into another country. I was fourteen hours away from Pakistan at that point, and I was overjoyed with anxiety and elation, mostly anxiety considering my weak stomach for airplane rides. It was as though everyone became insects the instant I looked out the window. The food on the airplane was not all that inviting, and my pillow needed fluffing every ten minutes. I was on my way to Pakistan, the pride of my ancestral roots. I did not know what to expect, confused like any other child would be, however I came to realize that the quintessence of my lifestyle was derived from my heritage. This was something I could apprise to others with the same amount of pride my parents exhibited. We are all defined by one ambition of representing the pinnacle of our origination and ideologies, separated by cultural commodities and rituals; that ambition is sewed into my being and I bring with me the quilt of my cultural diversity to Rutgers University.
I made my way through the gates of the Jinnah Airport in Karachi, almost was everyone dressed in traditional long shirts and tunics, the shalwar kameez. We arrived at our house, which looked like castle with an elongated Portuguese influenced verandah, in Sialkot. I spent most of my time playing with cousins, frolicking in the gallery when I heard the sound of azan, the Islamic call to prayer from the mosque. It was time to ready ourselves for the sacred month of Ramadan, a holy month for Muslims around the globe. A time of forgive and forget as we fast from sun up to sundown, fortifying us with patience and abstention. Our eyes tell us the stories of impoverished men, women, and children all around the world who cannot eat three meals a day, have clean water at the flip of a faucet, or have clothing to shelter their skins. The month of Ramadan allowed me to realize that my empty and groaning stomach is only one aspect to the hardships faced by the less fortunate. Patience became a virtue as I exposed myself to the conditions of life that were unknown to me, in hopes of making a difference for those less fortunate. I saw my parents giving zakah, donating money, and going to the shelters and community homes in order to give aid while on a fasting stomach. From that day on, I believed that the mindset of constituting change upon society by viewing life through an array of lenses is an essential ingredient for ethical prosperity. I joined the efforts of my local mosque after my return to the United States. The Islamic Center of Morris County allowed me to coordinate youth programs and utilize my knowledge to enlighten the younger generations on moral obligations. This manifestation of ideas is an indispensable inclusion to the Rutgers community.
The process of my progression into the real world is dependent on the exposure to the different types of cultures. With me, I bring the keys to unlocking my own identity by sharing my experiences, while acquiring erudition of other cultural traditions through social output and the extracurricular involvements provided by Rutgers' institution. An embodiment of students glimmering with cultural diversity will inevitably revamp social advancement. I have come to realize, through experience, that my family is essential towards the pursuit of happiness and success upon my endeavors. My involvement within their presence and my religion is what sets me apart from other people. This is imperative on the ascendency towards academic and social prosperity, exemplified by the mission at Rutgers University to allows students to "thrive in an increasingly diverse and global society."
