Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt 1, Building a Raft [7]

Hmm.. I feel with the second draft you lost the touch I so wanted you to keep. This draft feels like complicated instructions on how to build the raft, you focus more on the material side of the experience rather than the emotional effect the first draft had. The most important thing about essays is to make it easy to visualize so the reader can stay on track with the timeline, with this essay it took me a while to imagine but then I just got lost confused, and a bit bored (it was even harder to finish reading).

In this draft you did give more details about the process of the building, but to much, and that wasn't what I meant earlier "add a little scene of "during the building"", I meant something between you and your friends (something stupid or funny you like to remember) like "argued about the dimensions a bit", or "we accidentally cut in half our already perfect planks, thinking that they were scraps".

I think you should stick to the first draft, it was friendlier, and less essay like (big mac). Fill in the <insert more writing here> but like I said, make it a more personal "during the building" experience. In the last paragraph concentrate on "what is "its impact on you"? How did it affect you, how you think, and your future choices and goals? Did this experience help you later in life? "

Oh and thanks for your feed back on my essay :D

Undergraduate / Fright of the unknown took over me; Admission Essay [5]

"my father decided that it would be best for him to immigrate to the United States in search of a job opportunity. I felt downhearted as I watched my family break apart, the prosperous future I had envisioned for myself seemed to vanish."

I think you should put this part after the 2nd paragraph, so the 2nd paragraph can be about the challenge and sudden change to how things were in the 1st paragraph, in addition to further emphasizing the financial difficulties by the immigration of your father. The 3rd and 5th paragraphs can focus on your personal challenge, which is the main part of the essay.

I like how the essay shows your transformation from the selfish, careless daddy's girl you were (sorry:)), to the more mature, responsible person "with drive, purposes and motivation towards the fulfillment of all my desires."

The essay runs smoothly and felt really short (which is a good thing). You used your words wisely.

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Good luck with your writing

Undergraduate / Common App Essay Prompt 1, Building a Raft [7]

I think your writing is pretty good, the style sounds natural, fun, and exciting to read.

<insert more writing here> add more details to what happened after the frame. add a little scene of "during the building". You showed what the raft exemplifies and what it means to you, but what is "its impact on you"? How did it affect you, how you think, and your future choices and goals? Did this experience help you later in life which makes it so special. We all have special moments, but you have to make the experience stand out by showing the effects it left that make it appear special to others rather than just yourself.

keep the tone, it sounds honest and doesn't sound like it came out of a textbook :D.

Good luck with your writing, I really believe the final draft is gonna be good.

Essays / I need to see if I am on the right track- [4]

Try free writing, just grab a pen and paper and write anything, forget about grammar or punctuation, just scribble. While writing think why you want to be a nurse, think about your past experiences and how they affected your choice. you'll have a bunch of ideas now which will help you think of a bigger story, and theme for your essay. Use the good parts you wrote as a base for the essay and let them grow more detail. now you have your first draft, let it sit for a couple days and come back to it. This is what I always do.

the secret is to write, rewrite, and rewrite again.
you can get a lot of help here if you post your draft (i did), some people will even rewrite or edit the whole thing.

and bimongol's way works too. I also recommend it.

good luck with your writing :)

Undergraduate / 'traditional Mexican-American family' - UC Personal Statement "Your World" [3]

The essay is smoothly written and connected, you clearly show the phases of ordinary-extraordinary-conflict-then conclusion.
I also liked how you created a visual effect that made me imagine the essay, and realize events indirectly through visual comparison. In addition to showing the state of your characters by describing their appearance.

I liked how you chose your logical mind over your emotions, knowing that this was for your own good even if it's against your feelings. This shows maturity, growth, courage, and awareness.

You do show how you were affected by this world (your family) and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations, but I think you should elaborate more on these dreams and future goals. (Being a good person and attending university isn't enough.) Being the new enlightened person in this community, how are you going to help others of this society? How did this experience affect your choice of major. Due to this experience, how do you imagine yourself in the future?

In conclusion, you did great with the cause, but work more on the effect.

P.S thanks for helping me out, check out my reply to you. :)

Undergraduate / 'contempt for my parents' - UC Essay Prompt #1 [2]

I think the topic is good, but you seem to focus on describing your parents' relationship more than its impact on yourself. Talk about how you felt about the fights instead of the physical description, create a personal conflict and make it more about your challenge as a child, how you fought it, and finally show the new, positive, strong, mature person you have become as a result of that experience.

I would really appreciate it if you helped me with my essay.

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