Hello! This focuses on the impact my family had on my goals, particularly in how they provided an example to follow. That is, an anti-example.
I would greatly appreciate any and all feedback, especially feedback that isn't candy-coated. :) Thank you!
Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community, or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I come from a very traditional Mexican-American family-one with high morals, strict rules, and, more than anything, strong family values. My family and extended family, for as long as I can remember, has always managed to get together at my grandparents' house every other weekend, despite the fact that it requires at least two hours of driving for each individual family to get there. During those Saturdays and Sundays I spent wrestling with my multitude of cousins on the front lawn of my grandparents' house, I developed an unbreakable bond with each and every one of them, a bond that even hundreds of miles of separation could never break. But those were days of innocence. As the years passed, my older cousins fell, one by one, under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and lust. Some would come to our bimonthly get-togethers wobbling across the lawn with bloodshot eyes and foul breath or come with their bellies bulging with new life; some would stop coming altogether. The group of what was once 20 cousins tumbling around on my grandparents' lawn was quickly diminishing and it was not too long before I was the oldest one in the group; before I was the next in line to fall into the clutches of substance abuse and teen pregnancy.
I have always been a generally observant person; I was never ignorant to the fact that my older cousins had become mothers and fathers at the ages of fifteen or sixteen, that they had dropped out of high school because they thought using drugs and alcohol was more important that doing school work, and that they had cluelessly run away from their homes with their significant others to get married without a plan in Las Vegas. What I was ignorant to, however, was the idea that their actions were wrong-I loved and admired them too much to realize that. In fact, I began to think that following their example was acceptable because I was, after all, essentially destined to follow in their footsteps. However, once I began to see the youth drained from their faces, the joy drained from their eyes, and the innocence drained from their souls, I realized that there must be more to life than a bunch of dead-end life choices. I realized that I was destined to follow my own path and that instead of seeing my cousins as positive role models, I should rather learn from their mistakes and see them as an example of what I shouldn't do. I came to the realization that as much as I loved and respected them, I did not want to follow a path like theirs and therefore lead a life of constant struggle.
After becoming conscious of this idea, I made it my ultimate goal to pursue academic excellence and, in time, be the first member of my family to attend a four-year university. The most amazing result of this new purpose in my life is that my entire family, my entire world, was (and still is) at my back cheering me on and pushing me to do better. My newfound zeal for ultimate success began and continues to seep into the hearts of my family members and as I continue my ascent on the ladder of triumph and prosperity, my family is very faithfully by my side.
The essay is smoothly written and connected, you clearly show the phases of ordinary-extraordinary-conflict-then conclusion.
I also liked how you created a visual effect that made me imagine the essay, and realize events indirectly through visual comparison. In addition to showing the state of your characters by describing their appearance.
I liked how you chose your logical mind over your emotions, knowing that this was for your own good even if it's against your feelings. This shows maturity, growth, courage, and awareness.
You do show how you were affected by this world (your family) and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations, but I think you should elaborate more on these dreams and future goals. (Being a good person and attending university isn't enough.) Being the new enlightened person in this community, how are you going to help others of this society? How did this experience affect your choice of major. Due to this experience, how do you imagine yourself in the future?
In conclusion, you did great with the cause, but work more on the effect.
P.S thanks for helping me out, check out my reply to you. :)
My family and extended family, for as long as I can remember, has always managed to get together. Change has into have.
I developed an unbreakable bond with each and every one of them. Just using the word each will do, avoid redundancy.
As the years passed, my older cousins fell, one by one, under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and lust. Try changing it into "As the years passed, one by one, my older cousins fell under the influence of drugs, alcohol, and lust."
I felt touched by the end of your essay. A very good one =) Good luck in your application. Mind helping me?
Hello sushiwrap! I am using my phone and I typed a lot yet they just disappeared :(
As I'm not a native speaker of English, the only thing I could say is that you can elaborate more on your future plans. What you plan to do in university, and why is that important. You can say that because of your personal experience, you will work to stop people from felling(like your younger cousins). Attending colleges is not your final aim, but what you learn from colleges will help you become a better person is. Try working on that: explain what you want to learn in universities and how will that help you change the world. I cannot express my thoughts so clearly in a foreign language and I hope you can understand ;)
Thank you, ammr993, weeyizhi, and luying9682. I will definitely take your feedback into account as I write the final draft of my personal statement.
